To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Yep, definitely not lovely. 🙄

I completely agree with your post. It reminded me about a conversation I had with my mum about if I’d had an unplanned pregnancy when I was younger. She said she would have supported me in a termination if it was what I had wanted but would have kept the info from my dad as he has deeply religious views (that she doesn’t share) and it would have been very upsetting for him.
My mum was a doctor and happily married for over 50 years, yet she was happy to keep that info from my dad as she knew it was my right to choose and wouldn’t want to hurt him with the knowledge.
I accept it’s a different situation as my dad wouldn’t be the father of the child but he would be the grandfather (I know they don’t have any rights).
My dad is a lovely man too and probably would have not wanted to have known. I know it is not the same but the parallels help me see that what you say makes sense.

Thank you. Your DM sounds like a wise woman - just as OP is. Wise women understand that the best solution to a problem isn't necessarily perfect, but it's simply the best when all circumstances are taken into consideration. 🤗

I think that your doing the right thing. You have 2 young kid's and your husband has left you doing 95% of the load. You had a few years of been physically and mentally exhausted. Your youngest child will be going to nursery and your planning to go back to work. I think that you can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.
The reality is you have to protect your own physical and mental health in order to care for the kids you already have. You also have to consider the costs of bringing up the two kids you already have.

As a friend of mine said it's one thing having loads of kids but you have to consider the costs. You want to be able to give kids a good education, pay for extras they may need and possibly help them with university or to buy home in time.

I have seen the effects of having a 3 or 4th child in a family. The mother ends up carrying the load and in some cases they end up as sahm. They are trying to cover the higher costs on one income and it worse when the older kids get to the teenage stage as the costs of food, shoes and clothes rise a lot along with all the other bills.
Then the mother is trying to get back into the workforce after years of being at home and that's not easy either.

I think in your situation getting an abortion and going back into the workforce is better for your own physical and mental health. To bring up kids you need to keep your own physical and mental health as good as possible so you can give your kids a happy childhood. Working outside the home also gives you an income so as a family you have money for savings ect and can afford extra things for the kids as well.

I think you're making the right decision for you, OP. You have every right to make this decision for yourself, and it's completely understandable why you are doing so. I hope you can put this behind you quickly.

I didn't say any of that, what on earth are you talking about? You have shown your hand.

I might have some sympathy for his right to know if he was a dad that pulled his weight. I think to have a big family you need real tangible support either from a partner pulling their weight, extended family pitching in or paid support. It's a lot for a mum to take on without support.

I wouldn’t think twice, do what you need to do and don’t give it another thought.

for yourself, your existing DCs and your family.

I really agree with this and respect your honesty

Bless you. Hope call goes well

It seems pretty unfair to blame the husband in this scenario for working hard. He is the sole earner for the family so to look at it another way, he is working hard so that the OP can be a SAHM. If the OP feels that she is doing more work than him overall, that’s a conversation that needs to be had.

I hope all goes well with BPAS, @Tothink. I’m afraid that were I in your particular shoes, given the circumstances you describe, I would downright lie and say I was having an early miscarriage. These happen a lot, 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, I should know, I’ve lost 66% of my own pregnancies.

Obviously we don't know if he's working those hours as a deliberate opt out of family life or if he's doing it out of necessity and feels terrible for the burden it places on OP. Odds are it's somewhere in between but it doesn't really change the fact that it's OP facing being left to look after potentially more children than she can cope with.

I’m sorry I just NEED to vent. I’m going mad.

Here is where I’m at…

DH still doesn’t know and I have a telephone appointment booked with bpas over the weekend.

Still very sure about this decision but have (very short lived) moments of doubts.

My current thoughts are:

For:

• I come from a small family, DH comes from a big family. I have always been envious of his big family gatherings! There’s always a new baby/wedding/birthday etc etc. Lots of bbq’s and fun things planned. Oh and lots of cousins for the younger kids to play with.
• I love the initial 1/2 nights in hospital just you and baby, bonding, feeding and it’s a moment I would treasure for life
• I love the idea of my two boys having another friend, I love the idea of teenagers having each other (I wasn’t particularly close with my brother at all, but I loved the fact he was there, his presence in the family home - considering he spent much of it in his bedroom - was enough to make me happy and made the house feel more… homely?).
• … It’s obvious I love the idea of a bigger family and a full house
• I would then be able to close the book on baby making days (for sure) as I would definitely NOT go for baby no 4! Whereas if I terminate, there is still a small chance I’d try for no 3 in the future… or at least contemplate and wonder. Maybe not.. but who knows…

Against:

• Would I physically cope? I go to bed most nights and my legs genuinely feel intense relief. My body is shot from having 2 boys so close together (current ages 2.5 & 4.5)
• 3 kids is a lot… we’d be outnumbered with 3 and I think I’d feel it
• Holidays would be a nightmare/write off
• Night feeds and those unsettled nights of broken sleep where baby is awake/windy/fussy for most of the night.. this terrifies me as I would have no choice but to get on with it the next morning (school runs and all)
• Very selfish reasons include having no time for myself (who is going to look after 3 kids!) and my body is already covered in stretch marks and sagging boobs galore, imagine what I’d look like after another one!
• Scared that I would be an utter tired mess and would fail to properly look after the children, myself, my relationship and the house
• Not actually interested in going through the bottle making, sterilising, dummies (and then having to get rid of dummy), sleepless nights, countless nappy changes.. the list goes on! Essentially, anything newborn - 1 year old related !!!

To summarise, I’d love another child but I’d have to grow and have a baby before I really get the ‘child’ (am I making any sense here?). I can’t skip the hard stuff and the hard stuff could potentially break me.

My mind is, quite frankly, fucked. Still quite sure on my decision. It doesn’t seem to be the right time. Perhaps we’d try in the future, perhaps not…. I don’t know.

Not going through with this particular pregnancy doesn't mean you are saying No to all potential future pregnancies.

I’m really sorry you can’t turn to your DH to help you. Could you introduce a hypothetical? As in, ‘I’d love another but… [your list of cons as above]… do you think if we went for it that you could help more take a more active role in parenting?’ Over late night cocoa or however you two get your couple time in.

This is a great idea. Get DH input in a hypothetical. I’d also be saying to DH that you are barely coping with two kids and need him to help at home just a bit more. If uou decide to stick with your family of two kids for now you should be getting more practical help from him.

There is a book called After The Party, by Lisa Jewell, which includes this scenario more or less. For some people it might help to read a fictional version of their dilemma.

I really don’t think your latest reply is that of someone who can go through this alone.

Is the reason you won’t tell him not because you think he’ll insist you have the child, but you’d have to admit that you yourself are open to this being a happy accident, but you’re terrified?

All the reasons you list for keeping sound like they come from the heart, whilst all the reasons you list for ending come from your head. That said, as someone else said, just because it might be a no for now it doesn’t make it a no forever.

Would you really want to have another child in the future with someone that you feel you can't confide in? Or who leaves all of the parenting to you to the point he never gets up in the night etc. Why would you put yourself through that and make it harder on yourself?

You are getting to a point now when you can have some more freedom, going back to work etc

@JustMyView13 Is the reason you won’t tell him not because you think he’ll insist you have the child, but you’d have to admit that you yourself are open to this being a happy accident, but you’re terrified?

Yes, definitely. BUT also because I am really quite sure that I will go ahead with this termination so don’t see the point in putting him through any of it. He doesn’t really need to feel anything, does he? And there’s the fact that I’d have to almost justify to him why I am making this decision when I just don’t reaaaaally want to tell him the reasons when he will be disagreeing.

You are so right about my head and heart telling me different things.. and what a mind *** that is! But equally, my ‘against’ list does seem to be very much outweighing the other. I think I’m just having a moment this evening… still in shock a bit and overly tired from these past few days.

@SouthLondonMum22 Having no/little help from him is a huge reason why I can’t do this. But it’s difficult to know how much I can ask of him.. he is self employed and if he doesn’t work, we simply don’t earn any money. He has to be there 5 days a week (at least). Most week he does the Saturday too.

He works very hard and is very generous in other ways, it’s just I can’t really expect him to come home after a 12 hour day and ask him to start taking over or wake up during the night.

It’s neither of our faults really, it’s just not the right time, is it? Because neither of us are in a position where we could cope with a newborn. Gosh, why does typing things out always straighten my thoughts so much?!

One thing I would say for your sake is that termination apart from the physical aspect has psychological consequences. You will be alone with it, with no realistical help from partner and no time to go for counselling. It is worth bearing in mind. I am not trying to preach or tell you what to do but I think it may be overlooked by you at this point. Currently you want to come back to status quo but it will never be the same after. You change after this and that will affect your relationship with you DH.
Whatever you decide good luck and all the love.

Of course you can. You don't get to opt out of parenting just because you also work, plenty of working parents get home from work and jump right into parenting.

Even if he is working 5 days a week and most Saturdays and it's agreed that you do nights, why isn't he then getting up during Saturday night when he isn't working on the Sunday?

It isn't good enough and having another child would just create more work for yourself.

If you terminate this pregnancy, and later change your mind, you can always try again.

If keep this pregnancy, and later realise you can’t do it, you can’t do anything.

Just because it isn’t right now, doesn’t mean it might not be in the future.