To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Agree with this, personally.

What an odd response. I simply meant that if some unforeseen circumstance were to take place and her DH had to take responsibility for OP - LPA for example if she lost capacity. Quite possible it could come to light as a result.

I've had zero "d" c. I have just been pregnant a few times. I would laugh in the face of a doctor who wanted to know about how many 8 week situations I'd had to sort.

MN makes me laugh - so many people claim to be pro-choice but when it comes down to it a women's decision is rarely respected by other posters.

He does not have any legal "right" to know

You can request that the termination is kept off your records.

You may need support during the treatment so bear that in mind.

Your body your choice OP

There are ways of having an early medical termination which won't show on medical records and anyway why would husband be going through medical records anyway. My husband never went through mine, nor I his, the situation didn't arise.

I'm not advocating op does this secretly, just stating a fact.

I knew someone who was sterilised, she told her husband she had a cyst removed and he never knew different (he had previously had a vasectomy).

This is a dilemma and only the op knows what to do. I feel for her, she has to make her mind up quickly.

Precisely. It's not OP's responsibility if he's a primitive git who leaves her to do all the slog and has no respect for her health.

I would have the termination and not ever mention it.

BUT I have had a termination and it has never affected my mental heath, I don't think about it it was the right decision. I feel terminations should be easily accessible for any reason.

I read on mumsnet about the number of people who have termination regrets.
You don't know how you will feel until you have have one.

There are very very strict rules about disclosure, even posthumously.

This.

Do you think that by lying by omission, at the very least, you would be putting that stability at permanent risk?

They might well ask, but it isn't vital precisely because people may not know or may withhold information. It's why they ask rather than just go by whatever is already in your notes.
I had my first child and my first miscarriage in another country. The NHS didn't have any of that information, and aside a very brief run down that everyone was healthy, they didn't care because they don't really need to know.
It's completely fine to not announce an abortion at every appointment. And there should never be a reason for them to announce it if it is in your records either.

@Sdpbody not my experience.

I was bleeding very heavily and spent an entire night on the bathroom floor sweating, pale and felt very ill indeed.

Good luck op.

If you had a major illness or surgery presumably as your next of kin your dh might see your notes, with your medical history. I think having him find out by accident if you did terminate would be pretty huge.

And if that bum lift meant you couldn't look at him anymore, or you lost respect for him because of it, then he and you should be able to discuss that option as a married couple before he has the lift.

Yes, it's his choice. But it also has impact on you, your life, your marriage, your opinions of him.

That’s a massive thing to keep from him and he does have a right to know.

No, he doesn't, especially as he is not supportive. It's not his body.

Personally, I find his attitude towards unwanted pregnancies and his lack of involvement as a father, two massive red flags.

I’d personally find it very hard to live with a secret like this and if it ever came out, it would potentially be devastating to your relationship.

But, I also think you shouldn’t rush into a termination. You say you’d love a third child but don’t think you’d cope. I was the same - when mine were small, the idea of another child was unthinkable and as both my husband and I come from two-children families, we just stuck at two. Roll on a few years and the kids were 5 and 7 and we started thinking about how nice it would be to have one more. In the end, we decided that the age gap by that point would have meant the siblings wouldn’t have the kind of relationship we were imagining and that the older two wouldn’t be able to benefit from a lot of the things we were just beginning to be able to do (types of holidays, activities, etc.) because the baby/toddler/pre-schooler would need to be factored in (plus, like you, the thought of going back to sleepless nights and the baby stage didn’t fill me with joy!) I realised that the time to add the third child was when things were already geared around small children - in some ways I regret not having another then. So, given that you actually like the idea of 3 kids, consider carefully whether just extending this tough part for another few years might be worth it, because you almost definitely won’t want to go back to this stage again in a few years time! It may be that it really isn’t worth it to you and you’re very happy with two kids and no more. Just don’t rush in a panic to make a decision - sit with the idea for a while, without telling your husband so it’s not muddied by someone else’s thoughts yet.

I can understand your feelings of shock, but I think the guilt will eat you up if you don’t tell him.
Tell him, if he really wants you to think about continuing the pregnancy he needs to come up with how that’s going to work and not just financially and from a child care perspective but physically as well as you’ll be shattered being pregnant and running round after your other children. Also mentally, you’re probably looking forward to a shift in the kids being in childcare, you going back to work, some adult company.

Then you need to discuss the snip!

Hi OP, your body, your choice, and if he can't be expected to be supportive of your decision you don't have to share it.

But as PP said, you should be able to tell him and expect support. So the problem unfortunately is bigger than the pregnancy alone. You shouldn't be the only one suffering from broken sleep.

Sorry you face this, hope it works out. x

She can opt not to have it on her G P records.

Having multiple past abortions is absolutely relevant to future abortions and SHOULD form part of the discussion.

Even if not for strictly medical reasons, any practitioner worth their quals will be asking some questions for safeguarding reasons - it would be more likely the woman would need signposting to other support or help services as something is clearly wrong if they keep rocking up with repeated '8 week situations' they seem incapable of preventing.

Yeh I’m not sure where the ‘he has a right to know’ assertion comes from. I get it if someone is keeping a baby as this is also in the child’s interest but for a termination right after the test I think it is the woman’s right to disclose her medical information or not. For example if a woman went to get a tooth taken out we would insist she told her husband.

If he doesn't help much with the kids then it shouldn't be too hard to keep him away from any potential gynae appointments in the future.

I was asked how many pregnancies and live births I'd had by a gynecologist. The appointment had nothing to do with anything fertility related. It was just part of history taking. I suppose I didn't have to disclose anything I didn't want to.

He deserves to know, but absolutely should not be pressuring you into keeping it