To NOT tell DH about the pregnancy

[Tothink]

Might be causing some uproar by admitting this but I have spent years thinking that any woman who falls pregnant whilst on contraception are either lying about their contraception or using it incorrectly.

…. and here I am, tested about 15 minutes after taking my contraceptive pill (which I NEVER miss) and looked down seconds later to a positive test.

I feel numb to be honest, I have two children (one starting primary school in September and the other has just started nursery). It’s a struggle. DH works A LOT, he works so hard and so 95% of the household stuff/child raising is on me.

Things will change come September obviously, with both children being in school/nursery… but that’s when I am meant to be going back to work.

The mental load of having 2 little ones is just a lot. I wish I had the strength to raise one more. I’d love to have 3 children, I love the idea of an even busier house, I love the idea of another little person to love unconditionally. However, I don’t think I have the physical or mental strength for this.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave… imagine getting up and having to look after 3 children on broken sleep (night feeds, nappy changes, winding….). It’s HARD.

Selfishly, I’ve only just started to feel a bit more ‘me’ again, too.

I can’t do it and I think I’m going to have to have a secret termination.

Well I'm 38 and I've not only been asked it several times during each of my 4 pregnancies but also multiple times during recent gynae investigations and then surgery 🤷‍♀️

If you can't remember how many children you have or how many times you've been pregnant, maybe you simply don't remember being asked it either.

It really isn't. I've been pregnant a few times. Never been asked about anything historic. Besides which if you've had two full term births the answer is just yes. A slightly delayed menstruation has no bearing on your body after you've had proper babies.

"how many pregnancies" I'm going to call bullshit on also unless you're in for fertility investigation

Who cares how many pregnancies doc? Some.

You still have to be careful. I was attending a hospital appointment and my husband was with me. I was happy for him to be in with me. The nurse was going through my medical history, reading it out to check it was accurate, one of which was “removal of retained material of conception from uterus” or something to that effect, ie a d&c after a miscarriage. DH obviously knew about the miscarriage, but it made me think that could have been awkward if it had been a termination and he hadn’t known!

Maybe not now, but you don’t know what happens in the future.

They're also well aware that women might not be telling the truth about everything either, so they consider that possibility.

The point to this example is that yes of course it would be best for OP to tell her husband , and that's what you would want in a marriage but for that to happen he has to hold up his side of the deal too. Which is to support you and completely respect your autonomy over your own body. If OP doesn't think she'll get that, it changes the playing field and I get why she would withhold the information.

I can't agree with this @TheCurious0range

If the OP was going to have surgery to electively cut off their own leg and arm, I would expect the DH to be strongly disagreeing with OP, not supporting her due to respecting her autonomy over her own body.

There is going to be impact on DH, and his marriage, if OP decides to tell/not tell.

OP, if its early enough then can you just tell your DH afterwards that you had a very early miscarriage? Because you basically would have done, he doesn't need to know it was your choice. That would explain any sadness if you have any and he would know that there had been a pregnancy and to be more careful with contraception/start a conversation about a vasectomy.

But it's not him facing the consequences, it's her. He might have some feelings, but all the consequences and the impact of of what she decides and his reactions are on her. If it was him asking these questions it might have some relevance but theory about what he should do doesn't help her.

DH will want to keep it and he won’t take it well at all if I mention a termination. But he gets to get up after 9 hours sleep and leave…

He gets precisely NO say in what you do with your body. If you think he’d become a controlling, pressurising arse, which it certainly sounds like he is (rich, from a man who doesn’t contribute to any child rearing or domestic tasks), then do it and absolutely don’t tell him.

He wouldn’t feel guilty pressuring you into keeping a pregnancy you don’t want, don’t feel guilty for ending one at the earliest point without telling him.

So if the handmaid's tale happens we need to be prepared by having unlimited unwanted children. Gotcha.

A third of conceptions in the UK ended in termination in the most recent data year. The Aunts will be busy.

I can’t imagine not telling my husband, but then he would support me whatever decision I made.

Do whatever you need to do. If he’s going to make you feel bad about a termination, don’t tell him.

he's a lovely man, it sounds like you do all the childcare and he would gult trip you? I bet he's a "great dad" as well.

@Tothink if he was going to respect your choice then you would have no need to hide it.
Terminate and never speak of it to him .
He has 9 hours sleep with two young kids? Yes he works hard but sounds like you are the one “trapped “ to all the responsibility.

Do what’s best for you .

It really is.

I've had several follow up appointments to unsuccessful smears. 2 biopsies in the last 3 years. A few internal examinations.

I've been asked about the number of pregnancies and the number of live births at every one of those appointments.

Depends on the circumstances, and whether the number of pregnancies is relevant to the planned surgery or other treatment.

So, it's still her choice and if he doesn't respect that I can understand why she wouldn't tell him.

If DH decided to get a Brazilian bum lift I wouldn't want him to but it's his body his choice, no person can tell another what to do with their body.

Just to point out, your DH absolutely does not have to find out from future appointments etc. I had a termination very young that nobody knows about and was requested it was locked in my records, so whilst it's there it's not discussed in any appointments etc. DH has been to all my appointments for both my pregnancies and everything in between and it has never been mentioned.

The burden of the secret from my termination was very difficult to bear at the time but my situation was completely different. I don't think I could keep it from DH if it was his baby, there could be complications that you will be unable to explain later on but only you know deep down what is best for you 💐

This is really reading very " Handmaids Tale" with all the bossy husbands reading their wives medical records and glued to their sides for all medical apppointments.
Honestly OP, just call BPAS. We don't even know how far you are along. They will give you good advice and also tell you about medical records.

He's not a lovely man if he's not doing his fair share at home.

No way would I tell him and I would go ahead with a termination secretly.

Are you joking?

If you're having a midwife or Dr appointment for a pregnancy...you don't think your history of pregnancy and childbirth is important or relevant? What sort of middle age backwards bullshit is that?!

It is absolutely bog standard and necessary for antenatal care to include information about all past pregnancies and births, for obvious reasons.

Anyone declaring 'well I've had four dc and no one EVER asked me if I'd been pregnant before, how the pregnancies went or about my other births' - if in the UK and in recent decades - is flat out lying.

I would change clinics if I were you. As above, one THIRD of conceptions ending in abortion makes this a weird ass question.

An early pregnancy termination in an already multiparous woman is a medical nothing

I'm seeing a lot of people saying "he has a right to know".

As a man I ask "Why?" It's not my body, it's not my choice whether to keep it, I'm not the one who has to carry the child for the next nine months, so why am I entitled to even know about it?

I'd like to think that if I was in this situation, then DP would tell me, because she'd know that I'd support her and be completely onboard with her taking the lead on whatever decision she wanted to make. But if for whatever reason she didn't feel she could tell me, then no, I don't have any RIGHT to know about anything that's going on with DPs body unless she wants to tell me.

@Tothink , do whatever you need to to get through this.

You should speak to your husband.