To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

So they’re not even expecting?

Please lay down expectations now. My friend made it clear to her daughter that she'd assist with childcare until nursery, but only 3 set days a week and required payment to cover extra trips, food etc., so it was never a role taken for granted, one that helped her financially (nowhere near nursery fees!) but one there to help for a fixed term and at the same time give her freedom to do what she wanted to.

just see what happens!
My parents are largely involved with my kids but theyve only ever done childcare once for me when i was recovering from surgery and they took them for a week and thats because they offered. Try not worry.

They shouldn't assume anything!

Just do whatever you feel like. My grandparents lived the other side of the world. There was no childcare although I stayed with them a few times in half term as a teen. My own parents don’t do the childcare thing either. I love them and so do my adult children I think. MN is full of opinion, just do whatever your family do.

There was a thread on this the other day/maybe last week.

I don't agree with if you don't provide childcare, you shouldn't expect to see your grandchildren. There should be no expectation of grandparents to do anything and it shouldn't be factored in your DC's decision to have children. It certainly wasn't when I had my DC.

My parents help as and when they feel like it. They travel probably half the year (enjoying their retirement) and still see my children regularly despite living 2.5 hours away. I expect nothing from them but am extremely grateful if they do fancy taking my DC on a day out or for a week in the holidays. My only ask is they don't change their plans if it involves me cancelling childcare or not booking holiday camp - which I don't think is unreasonable.

I really don't understand the MN mindset of grandparents must help with childcare and its their own fault if they cant see their children any other time. Nothing is a must.

Talking about it
In discussions

You only see the extreme on MN.

It's a massive change in relationship dynamics that most people just take some time to adjust to. But it seems a bit drama llama-esque to be worried before anyone's even pregnant!

You’re conflating different posts.
The grandparents who want to see the babies every week, but only at the weekend, have the babies overnight, are jealous of and resent the other grandparents who do care but don’t want to do care themselves.

Don’t be that grandparent. It’ll be fine.

Lay down expectations before they consider trying.

You can be a good grandparent without doing any regular childcare.

In defence of some of the recent posts about childcare, some of them are about grandparents offering then withdrawing the offer at short notice which is going to stress out a parent. If you are clear about wanting to be the sort of grandparent who sees the child once a month then that is fine. Many people are divorced so seeing each grandparent once a month takes up 4 weekend days assuming that they live near enough for a day trip.

You tell them now OP.

lay out what you're willing to do. However be prepared to fall completely in love with any grandchild, it might surprise you.

I don't do childcare but I do take mine out quite regularly. It's like all the best bits of parenting and you get to give them back.

Do as much or as little as you like.

Reality is I don't need to rely on the GPs but only last weekend my PILs took our two overnight Friday into Saturday. It was lovely to get some time as a couple and eat a nice dinner without it being a bloodbath.

It's lovely they offer but we don't ask. They'll probably not take them again for a few months which is completely fine.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Even if it is just an "in an emergency I could take them" or "I'll take them once a week/fortnight/month" or whatever suits you.

As a parent of young kids, the issues is more that if you don't happen to provide childcare, there will simply be fewer opportunities to see the kids. Doesn't mean you won't see them at all, just not as frequently as we may have seen out grandparents. I went to my grandmother every day after school while my parents were at work. My own kids are in nursery/school 5 days a week until the evening, when we get home from work. And then it's basically bedtime. And then we're pretty busy on the weekends with activities. In our case, one grandparent also works weekends, the other one is always travelling. So despite living in the same city, they see the kids maybe every 4 months. It's almost impossible to pin down a date where we're all available. Doesn't mean I expect childcare or that I maliciously think it's their own fault they don't see the kids because they don't provide childcare. Just a simple fact that there are then naturally fewer opportunities to spend time together as they'll be in regular childcare settings and activities.

I think ,that the cost of childcare must put people of having children.
If I set some ground rules now ,as someone suggested
It could well mean they don't have any .
On top of a mortgage,childcare will add an extra £1000 a month
How are parents managing that if grandparents don't help.
This is anonymous ,so I can be honest.
I guess it's only been a few threads I've been on recently where it occurred to me ,I am going to be expected to do a lot of childcare.
There was a comment made about how my whole life has been looking after children as my job was childcare before I had kids .
I don't know what the cost of childcare was years ago ..but it does seem very expensive, especially as both parents need to work now

You absolutely don't have to offer childcare if you don't want to my MIL doesnt and we still see her regularly though my partner is a sahd. If there is an assumption that you'll step into childcare and you don't want to then please flag it now as it may well impact their decision.

I feel on MN a lot of the issues is grandparents who want to be as close to the grandkids as grandparents who childcare and see them as often. I work so my weekends are precious and we often want to do things as a family. However, as husband is a sahd he sees the grandparents a lot during the week.

If both parents work and you are wanting to see them every weekend plus maybe a few evenings a week, that's not reasonable. If you are happy seeing them once a month or for some dinners depending on how close you live then that's fine.

No problem with grandparents not doing childcare except when they a) make vague offers and never follow through or promise and let down or b) expect the parents to spend what little free time they have with them on a very regular basis.

Even if you don't do childcare, offer to meet them in ways that is easy with small children. My MIL will happily meet us at child friendly places and doesn't insist they sit quietly while we have tea for 3 hours like some other inlaws

I would hardly class a few mumsnet posts as a whole generations expectations. Firstly, your experience is not at all universal. Many people had much more involvement from grandparents than once a month visits.
I and much of my friends growing up were in and out of grandparents houses multiple times a week, that was a very normal experience.
And if true though, if you do only your grandkids once a month it won’t lead to a close relationship, that’s just reality.

The only things you can really do to make the potential situation easier are

1. encourage your children to be wise with finances such as living in the cheapest house they can be happy in rather than the biggest mortgage/rent they can afford

2. keep as fit as you can and take care of your health

But most importantly, since you cannot fix this concern now, try let today's worries be sufficient for today. So much might change before any grandchildren arrive.

Came here to say this. My parents see DS more than my in laws but that’s because they look after him every single Thursday. We still see both sides at some point most weekends but just as a quantity my side would be more. I’m not saying that because I want my in laws to offer care (I don’t). It’s just maths

The kind of thing that really helps is building a confident relationship that the parents can rely on. The child can come to you for an afternoon and they don’t need to worry you’ll feed them chocolate and whole grapes, or leave whisky on a low table.
Then, what I envied massively when mine were small- babysit and have DC overnight one Friday night a month so the parents can go out and then have a lie in.

It’s not going to cramp your style, but it helps rather than impinging on the couple.

There's no point borrowing trouble from the future, worry about this when your kids have toddlers and it's a real issue. Every family is different. My grandparents wanted my mum to end her pregnancy with me, and certainly weren't going to be helping her out if she kept me because they both worked full time on low incomes. Once I was born I was the missing daughter they never had and I lived with them for years. You don't know how things will change and how you'll feel. On the other hand my parents have only met my kids twice as I moved abroad in my 20's, I've certainly had no help with childcare, you just juggle thing, and manage somehow.

Some families are tight knit and some aren’t. Just be realistic. Would you want to work 5 days a week with no help from parents and then spend your weekends hanging out with the same parents who don’t have time for your children during the week? Do you feel a deep bond and affection for people who you occasionally see for a meal? Obviously the more time you spend with kids, the deeper the bond will be. It’s ok to not want to be close to your grandchildren, but that will also weaken the bond with your own children. I know you may not want to hear that, but you get what you put into a relationship. Your grandchildren will become the centre of your children’s world - they will have a lot less leisure time and will likely choose to give the little free time they have to people who are involved in their life.

ETA: Even 1 day a week would be above and beyond compared to what many people get. Don’t get overwhelmed imagining you need to be with them several days a week!

Definitely make it clear what you’re prepared to offer and stick to that. My mum was clear with both of us that her offer was 1 day per week each and that she would still be doing holidays a couple of times a year so we’d have to ensure we had a plan for that. When they got to school age they picked up both on the same day (schools close by each other) and took them for tea. They had a great relationship with both grandkids but wanted to live their lives once retired which of course was quite right.

Just be clear what’s on offer and what’s not as that way there is no disappointment.

My MIL made it clear, she'd only do the odd bit of babysitting, as DD was grandchild number five and likely to have more. She said if she looked after one regularly, she'd feel it only fair to do it for all of them and it would be too much. My Mum at an early stage said DD could stay with her occasionally when she was a bit older - that has never happened and we've worked around it.

The one time I really needed help, my MIL said she'd look after DD for a couple of hours one morning as DH really had to work - I was finding it really hard to get my breath and DH ended up coming home. That week my Mum visited twice, more offering to do shopping that anything else but it's the sort of thing you do when someone is really ill anyway, not a weekly expectation.

Op we always paid out sure you just get on with it. It was hard though. Thank god they grown now just need dog care now lol. My friend minds granddaughter 4 days says its tiring but kinda expected now with cost living. I suppose set your rules at start what you do not do.

you need to tell them now, you're tired, yes your whole life has been childcare and it has burn you out. So visits, emergency care, some holiday days when theyve gone to school but regular set days? Nope, that's your right to prioritise your time now.
They can make their own informed choices once they know this, if it means no babies or just one and done then so be it.