To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

Everyone who's working gets it if they earn over 195 per week that's most people.

That’s not true. Higher earners don’t get it hence why we had to save 50k for nursery fees before having a DC.

Ow I feel so sorry for you! Most people don't earn over 100k.

Time to start setting expectations early. Maybe move a bit further away ?

You have raised your kids and deserve your life now.

It doesn't matter if they're 'sitting at home doing nothing' as you put it. Their time is their own. It isn't owed to anyone and doesn't negate the fact that looking after small children when you've already devoted decades to the task of raising them, just may not be something you feel mentally or physically inclined or indeed able to do.

It isn't your problem. Affording childcare and raising their children is their problem. Should they choose to have them.

Just set out expectations now. If they have a mention you providing childcare, just laugh and say, I don't think so.I barely survive motherhood, and I want a break from child rearing.

There is no obligation on you to provide childcare. But I do think it’s important that your DC know that that’s not part of your plan, sooner rather than later - so that they don’t plan a family they can’t afford.

My DM made it very clear that she wasn’t available to do regular childcare for us, but what she did do was one evening of babysitting a month so we could go out as an adult couple, and she was happy to be our ‘emergency’ childcare if our DC were in isolation so couldn’t go to nursery or our childminder was sick or similar. This worked really well for all of us - we had backup and there weren’t any expectations on her. She then died when our elder daughter was 20 months old, very unexpectedly, so in a lot of ways I’m quite glad we weren’t relying on her so we could work - it would have made an incredibly difficult situation even worse.

The DC had and have a very good relationship with their grandparents, who have only ever done bits of ad hoc babysitting for us. DH’s family (MIL plus anyone without any plans!) come over every other Friday night, and before she died I would take DD1 to DM’s on a Sunday. My dad has the kids for a few nights in every school holiday and the occasional weekend (he lives further away) and they’re all very happy when that relationship.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but it’s really important that you have open communication about what you want rather than having other people making assumptions for you.

I used to be a bit like this, but I look after my grandchild one day a fortnight, have done for two years now and we love having quality time with her. She’s in nursery the other days. When her parents are around, she’d rather go to them, which is understandable. Not sure how often we’d see her if this wasn’t the case.
You might feel differently when they arrive. She melts my heart 🩷

I think yabu to assume they expect this of you when they're only discussing ttc.

You've no idea what the future holds for them, nor do they. Plus depending on where they live/ how much they earn they may get help towards childcare costs or funded hours.

I pay for ds to be in full time nursery because I know my mum doesn't want to do any childcare for him.. and personally I'd rather that he's somewhere he's wanted than with someone who resents it or isn't managing it well.

That being said, I work all week and get very little time with ds which both he and I feel. I don't want to spend all weekend every weekend with my mum just so she can see ds without actually doing anything for him. But the issue there is that while not wanting to help, she also resents him being babysat by inlaws, undermines my parenting repeatedly, queries every parenting decision I make in front of him and makes promises to ds such as "This afternoon we will all be going out for ice cream" without asking me first if he's allowed ice cream/ if we have plans/ if I want to do that which makes me the bad guy when it doesn't suit. If she didn't do those things constantly, then it would probably be easier to spend more time with her so she could see ds more, but again I don't think she's bothered about that, she wants to be able to swan in, give him presents or treats and leave again and be seen as the 'best' granny. But it doesn't work like that.

I do think the more you're willing to invest in those relationships, which means time and proper support, the more you'll get out of it but that's your call to make in terms of what kind of nana you want to be. I think a lot of the frustration you see on here is where GP are not helping or not being supportive of the parents or actually actively undermining the parents, while still feeling entitled to access the kids as they see fit without recognising that one affects the other.

Be supportive and encouraging towards your kids and their partners as they figure out parenting, respect them and their boundaries and be upfront about what you can do and it'll be fine.

Its up to you how much imput you have. They might have expectations. You tell them what you're prepared to do

As a mum of a 1.5 year old I’m getting quite fed up of seeing these threads (I think this is the third I’ve seen this week).
My mum looks after my little boy once a week while I work - she has asked to do it, I have offered her money, she has said no. My dad barely sees my little boy, childcare isn’t is strength and I’m fine with that. My in laws we see once a week, we go over together for lunch at the weekend. No one has had any arrangement forced on them - as soon as I was pregnant I said there was no expectation for them to provide childcare and let them offer.

If your children have been bought up to just expect this from you, with no consideration for if you’re capable and willing - then I think that’s on you!

Also my mum LOVES looking after my little boy. Her mum passed away when I was a few months old. She always says she feels lucky that she gets to have this time with her grandchild and that she can help me as she didn’t have help from her mum when I was growing up.

On the contrary, in the 80s, my mum lumped all the childcare on my grandparents. They cared for me FT from 3 months to school age. Then once I started school they did all the school runs and fed me dinner at least 5 nights a week, sometimes I stayed over on Friday too or stayed for the whole weekend. They also had me all day every school holiday. This was until I was 12 and then I stayed home on my own.

Dh’s grandparents were similar. They probably didn’t do quite as much of the school runs and running around to activities as they were still farming at that age. But the had him and BIL for lots of childcare.

On the contrary, ours are primary and secondary age now, and our parents have done absolutely no childcare for us. Other than maybe come over for a few hours while we went to an appointment or went for dinner a handful of times. Eldest is 12 and they’ve watched them over at our house, maybe 4 nights in 12 years. But definitely never looked after them while we worked or during school holidays. Never invited them to their house for a sleepover or on a holiday. I absolutely loved my sleepovers with my grandparents and our little beach caravan holidays. My dc will never have that.

I, on the other hand, can’t wait to be a grandparent one day and I hope they would look to me for childcare some days, or be happy for us to have sleepovers or have them for a week over the school holidays.

If they are having these discussions and including you in them, it's an easy chance for you to say what you are and aren't prepared to do to help. My parents were never babysitters and I didn't expect it of them. They may not expect anything from you at all, so all the worry might be for nothing.

I did talk with my eldest DD, who has some disabilities that mean she would need support, about this topic. We have the kind of relationship where we can talk about that sort of thing. I told her what I was willing to do but told her that she needed to plan as if I wasn't able to offer any help, because you don't know what the future brings for me. They shouldn't have a child based on my involvement and then find that something happens, like my health changes, and I can no longer help.

It's their child and anything they get from parents is a bonus.

What you describe wanting and experiencing with your GC is what my PIL wanted with my children. I think children often default to their own experience of GPs.

My PIL dropped my DH on his grandparents all the time. Then he married me, who had no GPs involved in my life at all. I had no expectation of anything from GPs and they were sorely disappointed that it didn't come naturally to me to have them involved multiple days a week.

If your children haven't had much GP involvement, that probably reflects their views of the role of GPs. Who they marry will bring their own experiences of GPs, and that will also make a difference.

So glad my parents didn’t have this sort of mindset in fact it was for the very reason that my DM had no help whatsoever raising us that she stepped in and looked after us and our DC whenever we needed it.

In return DC have a solid bond and DM is very looked after and cared by us all.

Childcare comes in all forms it doesn’t have to be a nursery substitute however it does need to be some form of consistent care otherwise no attachment or bond is formed. Then you have grandparents sat in hospital beds wondering why no one visits them.

Whereas my mother had the pov that she didn't have any help, so she didn't have to give any. I would want to be more supportive than that.

I wonder if she thinks the same applies to us, since she didn't do one bit of care for her parents when they were old?

We are a close family
I think I'm just very tired at the moment .
It's been ,and still is so hard
And I originally thought grandchildren was way of in the future
It came of a bit of a shock to realise they are not so far away.
I'm sure by the time they are here ,I will of pulled myself together and be able to offer whatever they need .

I'm scotland you still only get free hours when they're 3 ☹

I mean I do find it really weird when grandparents see their own children needing a hand and don’t help. Parenting doesn’t end when your children turn 18, if you have children you should somewhat expect grandchildren in the future and you can’t just ignore them.
I don’t agree with expecting your parents to have your children every week but a sleepover/few hours in an evening once a month or so isn’t unreasonable. If my own mum couldn’t provide that then I wouldn’t bother making an effort to see her either.

It's exactly because parenting doesn't end at 18 that GP may be too tired to help.

Stop and consider: A lot of children do not immediately leave home these days and often return home after university or stay home during university well into their 20s. You can be home sharing with young people for years afterwards.

Then also, you have to account for people who have children with time gaps. You can easily have 30 years or more of your life centered around children total.

If you started having children young
It's inevitable that parts of your life will have been put on the back burner. Then in your 50s which is the last phase of anything close to youthful (of course some people retain more energy than others) when you are now perhaps able to focus more fully on things you wish to learn, do, go to, explore, your children
expect you to help with childcare maybe several days a week during work hours possibly early morning to evening. Nappies, bottles, or stressful toddler days all over again. You can say one is not obligated, but many people will see their children struggling and feel guilted into helping in a more substantial way than perhaps is comfortable or ideal for them.

Is that necessarily kind or fair to them?

I also think this generation of GP may be overall the last to be capable of helping substantially. Many people are having children older and if their children also have children older, it's feasible that we'll have a large percentage of people who will either not live to see GC or be too frail to help them so we need to start looking at improving the quality of paid childcare and consider raising taxes to pay for it or make the nursery sector state owned or something.

I adored my grandparents and they lived on the other side of the country. We saw them about 4 times a year (a mixture of visting them/staying with us) and was heartbroken to lose them. I had only good times with them. Let’s not diminish the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren just because some dont do nappies, tantrums, school runs, meals etc.

My children see both sets of grandparents every few weeks to do all the fun things - days out, baking, play games, pub meals, walks etc but there has never been any regular childcare and our parents have never done any of the ‘day to day tasks’. I love it this way and they completely adore their grandparents.

Do you live in the same area? If not, it’s not an issue. Do eh you are prepared to do and stick to it. We live at the other end of the country to ours but I would love to live closer and help out more. My grandchild is the light of my life, but everyone is different and it depends on your lifestyle, finances, health and relationships with your kids.

Make sure you have a meeting with your mother first, to make sure she is able to meet your requirements for grand-parenting. Otherwise maybe delay it until such a time as she is in a position to step up to meet your expectations. Otherwise, if you decide to have children and she gets no say, you can't have any expectations. Maybe you should draw up a contract first?

My mother had her own job, her own friends, her own interests, her own life. I didn't ask her if she was ready to be a grandmother, I decided that for her. I didn't have my children to make her a grandmother, I had my children because I wanted them. I'd have been embarrassed for myself if I'd thought she had any obligation to serve me because I'd decided to have a child.

If the parents to be are still young ish and they couldn’t afford children without expected grandma care then maybe they could wait until they are more financially stable.

Having children should be a considered decision with all possibilities thought about.

And you can point out that you didn’t have childcare - and you don’t want to commit to an expectation you’re done.

Also there are other grandparents to be most likely assuming any child care will split

Just tell parents to be they need to think about how they can do this assuming your help not there. You could need an operation, want a holiday, just want a break from looking after others.

The parents to be need to start thinking about others (you) above themselves - that’s what parenting is all about. If they think they can just make decisions and mummy will help sort it all out are they really ready to be parents?