To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

My mam reared her own fair enough. My kids not that close to her now. She 80s.

Is this from mums net or your children because you mention both? It’s a tricky situation but only offer what you’re happy giving. I think a lot of people on Mumsnet mention the weekends and seeing GP because it is often expected you spend every weekend with them. Which just isn’t possible when you work and need to do jobs at the weekend. They’re given the advice of look after the kids then when they’re on here complaining they only see them once a month but expect everything to be brought to them. If you go to the kids house at least they can do some home jobs while you’re there like washing. If they have to be out the house visiting you they can’t do anything. It’s all a matter of perspective

Ultimately surely you will reap what you sow🤷🏻‍♀️
if you want a close relationship with your grandchildren you will need to spend time with them on a regular basis and be part of their everyday lives.

The threads are about those that do childcare seeing them more, naturally. You don't have to do anything. My MIL or DM do not provide childcare (or would I want them to) neither of them see our DC either as they're not interested. Problem solved, show no interest.

Don’t stress. Mine never did childcare but still made the effort to come and see them when they could. They worked until my kids were at primary school anyway. When everyone retired, they moved closer and since then have enjoyed doing the odd day in the school holidays. Probably 5-10 days a year since then, including weekend babysitting. We paid for childcare. It wiped out a salary for a few years. I liked that my kids mingled at nursery and made friends and did fun things. (Good job as I had no other choice!) We also made friends with other parents and built a good social life and support group with them, did holidays and park trips, a bit of wine at a daytime BBQ, that kind of thing. Kids were with us/one of us 99.9% of the time those first few years.

Surely it depends on your own
children, though? Have you ever talked about it? What are their expectations? You say they’re assuming… but what gives them that idea? Do you really know that? Are there other GPs who can help out?
My own parents are old and have multiple health issues that prevent them helping, as well as the fact that they’re 100 miles away. My in laws are a 90 min drive away and, while young, fit and willing to do ad hoc care, cannot and would not do regular care in lieu of nursery. We didn’t think to ask them if they’d help out but they also let us know prior to our 2 DC that it wouldn’t be happening. It wasn’t a tough conversation and we weren’t offended as the logistics would be too difficult.
It’s worth just having an honest but non-confrontational conversation with your DC about what their expectations are. I really don’t think it’s the case that everyone on MN expects help - every so often someone comes on and posts about the lack of help in outrage and they generally get their arses handed to them!
Funnily enough I would never have thought to ask my parents for help if they weren’t elderly / infirm / far away / not particularly good with children anyway, as I thought they’d likely not be interested and be of the opinion that their child-rearing days are over. But my brother pointed out that I was looked after my Granny as an infant until she became too ill to look after me. parental help isn’t a new thing, when people generally tended to live closer to their families I’m sure it was just the way children were raised.
Incidentally, I like having no formal arrangement as it means that when my in-laws do look after my 3yo (the occasional wedding, one night when we went to a gig, when my second DC was being born), everyone enjoys themselves and we don’t feel guilty about it. My friend’s mum has her DC 2 days a week so she doesn’t feel like she can ever ask for extra help at the weekends or in the evenings as they do so much already!

Another one of these threads, surely you realise OP that you can be as involved as you want, no one forces grandparents to provide childcare, mine really wanted to there were no expectations, if they hadn’t then I would have sent them to nursery.

Have an honest conversation with your adult children op! The earlier you explain your position, the better. It’s actually more helpful to the parents to have clarity from the start, even if they are disappointed initially. It’s far worse to let any expectations go unchallenged and let them down later!

Btw, fwiw, as someone who is still recovering from the effects of the pandemic lockdown with teens (reader it nearly broke me 😬) I think your views on this are valid. You have parented and facilitated family life for two decades; you deserve a change or a break!

One word of advice though; make sure you have plans in place…. travel, a pt job, a project, a volunteering role, a mini
enterprise… because if you don’t create your own empty nest life, then others are all too willing to fill in your diary for you!

I think it's entirely your choice what you do and no-one can criticise you for wanting to live your life your way. You are hurting no-one and have earned the right. They are responsible for the children they bring into the world. Any contribution you make is entirely voluntary.

What on earth are you in about? Are you saying that if Op doesn't provide childcare she can expect less of a bond to them? Talk about manipulative!

I guess it's only been a few threads I've been on recently where it occurred to me ,I am going to be expected to do a lot of childcare.

What makes you think that that is the expectation? (Don't assume that MN is representative of RL) I didn't have regular childcare from either my DPs or DILs and they only lived 5 miles away and my MIL was a former TA. They did one off occasions which was much appreciated but I wouldn't have dreamt of asking them for more.

Just don't get involved in any children discussion at all and then you can't be accused of raising expectations?

Can you tell them you don’t want to be tied to day to day childcare?

If my health is good I will help my dc as much as needed but make it clear that it will be an equal division of my time eg id do a lot of only had one grandchild but if my other dc then had dc and needed help id do equal hours for all.

If my health isn’t up to it at that point I will offer financial assistance instead towards nursery fees or something like a cleaner / meal delivery services etc to help out

If one grandparent offers childcare, they will 100% be much closer to the child.
If one grandparent gives up time to help you and look after your kids, you're going to want to spend more of your leisure time with that person also.
If someone shows little interest, you give back that same energy.

A friend of my DM has three kids, who had between them four of their own kids. DM’s friend looked after all four of grandkids on a weekly basis (one day all four, one day each solo). This was a lot for her, but she loved doing it. This then led to expectations from her kids that she’d have them any other time they needed child care, at which point she started to moan.

So my DM said to me: I’m not going to do that when you have DC, I’m not changing any nappies and I’m not paying for their baby stuff etc.

Of course my DM has a relationship with my kids. We don’t see her weekly, but maybe once or twice per month (she works still too, so we see each other when we can). I would never assume that anyone would look after my kids (that’s my job, and I wouldn’t have had them if I thought I couldn’t handle it). You can definitely tell your kids what they can and can’t expect from you when they have kids.

There are all different situations in between of course! A friend of mine has her DM pick up her kids from school once a week, give them dinner and bring them home at bedtime. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing!

I'll just give a few examples of what I think is 'fair' from someone with a toddler and a baby. DH is a farmer and works a LOT, I work 3 days - for reference.

My mum, does help as and when she can. But she is in her 50s and still works full time herself. She also lives 3hrs away. She doesn't ever have them over night. She minded the toddler twice for us to go to weddings when he was a baby but we came home by midnight. She isn't very hands on but I am beyond grateful for the help. She comes to visit for a weekend every 2ish months.

My ILs both wonderful loving, caring grandparents but well into their 70s. They will mind one child for 2ish hours if needed. eg last week they had the toddler so I could bring baby for his check up. Again I am super grateful for their help. They also took baby once so I could take toddler to a show. We go to see them at least once a week, but usually much more as they are about 2 miles away.

A friend, her mum lives literally next door and will not help. I am not saying she needs to offer full time care by any means but recently her DD had a day off school and she couldn't find childcare. Her mum wouldn't have DD. (Of course I can't know for sure), She wasn't busy that day. She lives right next door.

It's a balance. I know I certainly would not expect GPs to do any childcare in a way that would stop us needing nursery but I must say it is a nice re assurance to know that in fact we do have someone in an emergency.

Let your children know that you will not be providing FT child care and what you would be happy to do.

Be clear with them that you won't be helping. Don't moan if they then decide they're not having kids. You got to be a SAHP (appreciate it was hard, but you must have got financial support from somewhere) but the reality is that is impossible for many many people. As long as you're clear right now, it's fine. I think a lot of the anger comes from people who were merrily promised support and then left to swing. It may be that you can only be a grandparent if you're prepared to offer support.

My mum always made it clear that she wouldn’t help with childcare. Not in a nasty, direct way, but more in a, gosh your AuntyMary is so tired looking after her grandchildren, I wouldn’t want to do that, I’ve raised my children’ kind of way. It meant that none of us expected childcare from her.

I chose not to have children, and balancing work and career was a factor in my decision, but not a deciding one. If I’d really wanted them, I’d have found a way to manage- plenty of people manage alone just fine. You telling your children in advance you won’t look after grandchildren is sensible and means everyone understands the boundaries. My SIL relies on relatively infirm MIL to do lots of caring for her children, and I can see she won’t be able for much longer - it should never be a given that grandparents can provide this.

It's also worth noting that my mother has put the hours in with my kids - and she has an amazing relationship with them as a direct result. Don't expect much if you see them a few times a year.

I don't think you should do any regular childcare if you don't want to! (And especially if it might impact your health/happiness or if feeling you have to do it changes your relationship with kids/grandkids).

I DO think how 'hands on' grandparents are can affect how often you want them around when handling small kids. For example, when my mum visits she actively plays with my DC, will change nappies, make snacks, take them down the road to the playground so I can sit down, stay in so my DH and I can go out after bedtime. All of this makes me happy to have her round sometimes during the working week (I'm working pt).

MIL (who I love and is still a wonderful woman) has set a boundary that she doesn't do nappies and isn't comfortable with having the DC when I'm not there. No problem, absolutely her right. But it does mean I resisted when she hinted she would like to set up a regular afternoon each week for her a FIL to visit. Instead we normally see them about once a month for a full day or weekend. I know they would love more but we are very busy and guests on top of young DC is stressful.

Depends on locations too if they live near. My mams friend was very good helped out they take her on hols now. But my mum cant be shocked she not brought away or hasnt shown huge interest in grandkids. You cant have it every way. Her friend built up a nice bond with the kids

This exactly
My kids saw my mum ,5/6 times out of 20 years
They never met my dad
My mum's in a rest home ,my DC won't visit her

My DH kids have young toddlers
they have hinted that DH ( retired ) should have them for a day or two a week but it’s a 45 min drive there and unless they dropped of to us it wouldn’t be happening

plus we have a grumpy dog who I’m not willing to lock away twice a week

and I’ve done my time of being stuck to bloody term time expensive holidays
I want to go away when I feel like it not pay triple the price

You are getting yourself very wound up over nothing here really.

Why not wait until you actually have some grandchildren and see what happens, than building up a picture of how awful and exploited and undervalued you will be as a result?

Remember though that you don't have to do childcare to see your grandkids regularly. My parents never provided childcare but they always made the effort with my kids - we saw them regularly, they came to sports days, Christmas concerts, birthdays etc and always showed interest in their lives. They are very close with them as a result.