To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

People will make time for what is important for them. We'd do every second weekend just us, other weekends for family and friends.

If you don't have time for me, that's your prerogative, but don't expect to be high up my priority list when you decide you want me.

Just forget it. Deal with it if it happens.

Awww my parents adore being grandparents 3 under 5 and older ones and they will either randomly pop in to take kids out for a walk or park or call up and say do they want to stay overnight sometimes 2 nights. But I never ask or expect. We pop around a couple of times a week for a wee while aswell. The kids adore there grandad and grandma but I'm the parent and my role is to make sure it's fun for the grandparents and not to much and to keep it that way and not to rely on them for childcare etc as that's fully my responsibility only.

My DD is very anti child. Shes a teenager at the moment so that could change but she was even looking into "arguments" for sterilisation (going so far to suggest paying for a private operation when she's old enough). She's very career driven as it stands and knows how expensive children are in general. Our DS hasn't really thought about any of that since he's 10 and "girls are gross". I'm disabled and know my limits, so could help but in a limited capacity.
In terms of grandparents help, my in laws are a mixed bag. One would offer to help but couldn't due to being very mentally unwell, the other lived 300+ miles away (would've loved them to be closer). My parents work/worked. My DF is older so has my kids when I have appointments or an after school thing. My DM will take my kids out when she's not on call or working now and again. No one has them over night as they both preferred being home in their own beds.

I think it’s uncomfortable but it is a bit “tit for tat” some people my age (50’s) were cared for by their grandparents regularly and babysat regularly and then their parents inherited, paid off the Mortgage and “cruise” my best friends mum & dad being one such example. They didn’t help with childcare when she went into Labour unexpectedly with no.2 as they had “dinner plans “ they are now getting quite frail and very definitely have the expectation that she will help.
oh how we both laugh. not a snowballs chance in hell. She’s busy helping her kids and helping with her grandkids.
people reap what they sow. That’s a fact.

You might feel differently when the time comes and you might not. I wouldn’t worry about it, you can offer occasional sleepovers etc which I’m sure the parents will appreciate too x

You don't actually know what you will be 'expected' to do though, do you. Talk to your child/ren about it, so that you can find out what they think you will be doing, and so that you can let them know what you are prepared to do, (if anything) before they have any children. And - if you agree to any childcare - remember that things can change. Your health may change, you will be getting older, you may not be able to do what you think you will be able to do now. That happened to me. I offered support for a grandchild and was then diagnosed with breast cancer and unable to help. Ask them whether they have thought how they would manage if you are unable to do what you have offered to do (if you do offer).

Yes, this may affect their decision on whether to have children or not, but that is not your problem. If children are planned (as opposed to unplanned) then all the pros and cons should be considered and that should include what they will do about childcare, as parents. Not what YOU will do about childcare. Ultimately your grandchildren are not YOUR children, and they are not YOUR responsibility.

really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent

Your kids sound young still-how old are they? Are you still working?

If you work, then you can't be looking after grandchildren.

Nobody I know IRL has grandparents doing days worth of regular childcare. They sometimes have the DC during holidays, or do the occasional taking to an activity/playgroup or picking up from school. Or days out at the weekend. But nothing regular - and often parents are also present.

I have 2 school age children. I see a lot of posts on here bashing both parents and grandparents.
My grandparents (on my mums side) did a lot of childcare for my parents and we spent every Sunday there with them.
with my kids, they went to nursery full time (over £2000 a month when they were both there together) and now they’re both at school, they use after school club.
we chose not to even ask grandparents because, why would we? That does mean however that any time we need help (evening when we’re both needing to work, any nights out etc) they are more than happy to help.
so many parents get a bad rep on here for expecting childcare but in my experience, in my circle of friends, our grandparents supported a lot more than our parents do now-it’s a personal choice and there’s no point panicking about something that hasn’t even happened.

@Swan6I sympathise with you a lot. I feel exactly the same pressure as you describe. I think it is a vacuum thing. The present set of thirty-somethings seem so inept at parenting that who else is there to help fill in but the grandparents? I get the feeling my crowd would happily have their children live with me permanently and they could occasionally visit !

We didn’t expect grandparents to do childcare at all, but they offered between them; I went back to work as a teacher three days out of necessity and my in laws had the kids two days and my mum one day. Now they very kindly do the school runs on those three days for us. It made our lives significantly easier (I think I’d have had to work full time and DH be a SAHP otherwise - don’t think either of us would have been happy with that) due to childcare costs. We very rarely ask for additional childcare, maybe twice a year they stay overnight? And I’m off for the school holidays, though they do take them for a day here and there - usually they offer!

For the grandparents it’s paid off hugely in terms of the bond they have with the kids. They are really close, know all about the little trends at school that the kids are into, take them to the park after school etc - along with some of their other friends doing the same thing! I think it’s lovely. I didn’t have that as a child at all, my grandparents lived miles away and we don’t really stay in touch - I absolutely would want to try and do this for my GC if my children decide to have them and live nearby.

I’m still working full time myself so wouldn’t be able to offer regular childcare for them to work but I’d be happy to babysit or have them at weekends - although not every weekend!

I’d like to do the traditional granny thing where you have them odd days, treat them, babysit odd evenings and school holidays. Unfortunately I will have to carry on working much later than my own grandparents did so may not get the chance to enjoy them in that way.

I haven’t got grandchildren yet but do have children old enough to start considering it could happen.

This 100%. You get out of relationships what you put in.

As soon as I.got pregnant, my mother kept telling stories about how she despised.those women who expected childcare from GPs. She went on and on long after the baby was born. She liked to see them on visits and that was it. At least I knew where I stood from the off.
She didn't want. to be called Gran either. I think she disliked its association with old age and the expectations which went with it.

My PIL absolutely loved providing childcare when DD was small, they did 2 days a week pre-school and then at least 2 days a week in school holidays. They were both retired by the time DD came along.

My Mum was still working and then retired abroad. So only really saw DD for holidays. We also lived 2 hours away from their UK base (I moved away before I had DD).

DD has a great relationship with both remaining grandparents (FIL passed away recently).

My brother really resented the fact that my Mum retired abroad when their children were small. But all her grandchildren have a great relationship with her. She’s also moved back to the UK now to provide care to her dad so is now also helping out with my sisters youngest for childcare.

I guess every family is different, make decisions for yourself - but don’t feel they are set in stone. Having disabled children is very different to caring for healthy grandchildren. You may find you enjoy the role once you get there - don’t cut off your nose despite your face by distancing your children now.

Hello
I do understand. Parenting is challenging and grandparenting can also be challenging. I am hands on with my gc and I've friends who aren't for a number of reasons. I also who has been hands on from the start am backing down now they are older and I'm tired.
Please dont overthink it .
A simple please dont base having families on me being a child care option as I simply cant but of course I will attend family celebrations and days out and come over sometimes to see them with you present.
Job done.
I see mine 1 at a time on a rota basis so I get to kniw what's going on in their world but its gone from monthly to 2 monthly as I'm tired.
I also direct debit pocket money up until they get their first job.
Ive a friend that says I'm bonkers and she simply attends birthday parties and pops 20 in the cards and thats perfectly fine too.
There is nothing set in stone and no wrong or right.
Sounds like you deserve a nice time to yourself with limited commitments.

Make your life busy and make sure your children understand that this is your time now. Nobody, having children, should expect the grandparents to fill in on child care without asking or talking it through first. Its rude and selfish of any new parent to automatically think this. And yes, I am a parent of young children.

I think you're being a bit over dramatic.

And I don't think there is an expectation or entitlement on Mumsnet. I see more posts saying your kids you see to them.

If people choose to have children it s their responsibility to.care for the. Whilst it might be desirable to have help it is not a given. It does not make you a bad person if you cannot or don't want to do it. Don't be guilt tripped into doing something.

You need to have an honest conversation now. There shouldn't be any default expectations. But you do need to be honest. My family told me all kinds of things about the support they would be giving me (I didn't ask) and I got none of it - my expectations were set by them and I do feel aggrieved by that. It has damaged my relationship with them a bit. You're right that you shouldn't need to provide childcare in order to your your grandchildren but if you want to see them you do also need to make the effort and not expect the parents to do all the running.

I have said to dds I’ll do a day a week each childcare. (Currently working 2 days a week) I think in terms of what your relationship looks like will very much depend upon your current relationship. I see eldest dd a couple times a month, I assume it will be similar if they have children (other than childcare) Younger dd I suspect I will see more frequently as That's the case now. We also talk/video most days.
Sometime grandparents (to be) are not particularly involved in their children’s lives but expect that all to change once grand children are on the cards.

@WorcsEduthis

The only time I think it's a bit shitty when GP's don't help out is when they relied on their own parents when they had kids, but categorically refuse to help their own? Just makes no sense!