To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

I’ve been a parent for 21 years now so that ship has long sailed. Grandkids are going to be coming into my life soon and even though I had my first child in my teens, I will of course be there to help out when they need. Unless I end up with a health condition that prevents me I would never tell my child who could be struggling with a newborn and sleep deprivation that sorry I can’t help because I’m going out for dinner with my friends. I would be embarrassed for myself to do that 😁

I've been a parent for 31 years. I had my first when I was 18. No grandchildren on the horizon, but that's fine. They have to do what's right for them. I'd like to be more helpful than my own mother was should there be any grandchildren but that's because that's the kind of person I am and what comes naturally to me. I can't make that decision for anyone else, including my own parents. I don't hold it against them that they weren't very involved at all. They never owed it to me.

If my mother wanted to go out to dinner with her friends, that's her absolute right. In an emergency would be one thing, otherwise her right to decide.

Of course it would be her right, but I would never respect it because I would never do that to my own children. I’m not planning on being a grandparent that has my grandkids all weekend or school holidays, but I absolutely will be there to help out and not just in an emergency.

As an active recently retired person, I can assure you that there is a whole world of options other than working, looking after someone else's children for free and 'sitting at home doing nothing'.

I think it's wrong for them to "assume you will step up"

If you have children, you have to be accept that you are responsible for looking after them.

I don't think grandparents have a responsibility to provide childcare and I don't think you need to feel bad about it. If I was you I'd make that clear before they have children so they don't have any false expectations.

OP..this isn't my experience at all. All families are different and I see my grandchildren along with my daughter and son in law most weeks for a few hours as we live close. I rarely babysit though as I work full time. Sometimes a few weeks go by as we are all busy but I guess for our family, family time doesn't just mean a nuclear unit all the time.

I agree but I also think that a decent grandparent wouldn’t look at their grandchildren as just ‘someone else’s children’ I don’t think either my parents (who did provide childcare) or my IL’s (who didn’t) think of my DC that way, they see them as their grandchildren a much loved part of the family.

*edited for spelling

I regard my mother as a whole human being who deserves to be her own person, not just a mother or grandmother.

That's not to say it wouldn't be sad if they didn't babysit ever. My mother did once every 1-2 years for a few hours, which is a bit pathetic, or in an emergency, which was only maybe twice. I think that's a bit on the low end but later, when she wanted other things, I said no because she hadn't built the kind of relationship that was needed for the things she wanted. It does come home to roost.

I'd definitely want to be much more involved and supportive, though I don't think it's something I'm obligated to do. I would limit the childcare I'll do to days that don't mean I have to give up some key part of myself. If those days don't work for them then I guess I'm not available for that level of commitment.

Maybe just set some ground rules now, ie - I’d happily offer one day a week, or I’m not able to do a full days child care but I’ll do pick ups/drop offs or help fund a day at nursery, or help financially with shoes or something like that.

Just be clear, they are adults, their baby is their responsibility.

You might find your grandchildren arrive and all you want is to spend time with them, you might not… my dad in particular isn’t interested but gives them pocket money.

I think it’s a generational thing.
I only remember my grandmother visiting her children for special occasions or the occasional Sunday lunch, the same with my parents.
My parents took us to visit our grandparents and I took my children to visit my parents.
As for childcare, my mother didn’t work until I started full time school and was old enough to get myself to my grandmothers house by myself for an hour after school.
My mother rarely had to look after my children and childcare wasn’t expected.
I’m 60 next year and still work full time, I have 9 grandchildren and we meet up when we can.
I didn’t offer childcare and it wasn’t expected. Obviously, the occasional babysitting happened but nothing regular.
I do think that the expectation that grandparents should step up these days is too much.
We are entitled to a life too.

There is a mild ageist and sexist attitude in some of the comments which I'm sure is socially derived. I am not unaffected myself.

My children's GM on their father's side is in her 80s. She has looked after my children only a handful of times in their lives, a d they are in their mid twenties now. She probably would have done more, but I never asked her. Same with my own parents. I considered my children first and foremost my and their father's responsibility. We were both onboard with that mentality.

She is more active than I am. She does regular walking trips with a group, swimming, goes to bingo and outdoor bowling. She's been to cruises and walking tours of the middle east and Russia. She has raised 6 children and has 4 GGC. She's more than entitled to spend her time on herself not yet more children!

My mother is far less active due to health and often goes shopping or sits indoors watching daytime television. That's her perojorative too.

The truth is when the majority of people think about grandparents doing child care they primarily think of their mother doing child care as if women should be tied to children all their lives and their virtue and value as people, parents or grandparents is directly tied to that concept.

Neither my mum nor MIL look after my children regularly and that's no problem to me. We love them dearly and the children have great relationships with them. My mum was always very clear that she wouldn't want to do weekly childcare, so I never expected it from her or my MIL. However, both are very invested in the children, spend lots of time with them when they visit / we visit them etc. etc. I think it's mad for people to just assume their parents will want to provide regular childcare for their grandchildren.

'Only' 3 days a week?! That's an awful lot!!

That is a form of childcare when they’re taking them out, baking etc and it’s regular and consistent. It shows care and interest. It requires effort and arrangement. It’s nurturing for them.

It’s funny how some people feel about the subject, my parents couldn’t wait to be grandparents. They’d have both my girls at any given chance and wouldn’t call it “childcare” and wouldn’t ever take anything from me because it’s their grandchildren and they just want to spend time as much with them as they can. They have the most amazing bond now and it’s so nice to see because I didn’t have that with my grandparents.

I meant with us as a family - 99% of the time we are all together when we see our parents at one of our houses or on days out together. They dont ‘have’ our kids, we do things all together as a family (and love it!).

My point was you can be a brilliant grandparent and live 5 hours away and see the grandchildren only in the holidays. We visited ours only in the holidays and totally adored them. Just because some do school runs, doesn’t make them more of a grandparent than anyone else.

You do not have to offer childcare but this may be one of only ways you get to
see your grandchildren often. Also, what might surprise you is that it might be the only way you may continue to see your children regularly. This is because modern families with both parents working are very very busy. Usually weekends are spent catching up on things and spending private time with their children, not swanning off to grandparents. As someone who was a SAHP you must realise this.
We have done childcare for both our children for about 8 years. It was our choice. My husband is very hands on. We get to
see our grandchildren and our children when they pick them up every week, Outside of this we only see children/grandchildren socially every few weeks.

It’s a tricky one. The reality for a lot of people (and many won’t admit it) is the relationship can be transactional sometimes.

The GPs who provide more childcare are the ones they spend Xmas with.

The siblings who visit their parents more with the grandkids are the ones who get lavish gifts/money bestowed.

You’ll hear a lot of ‘it’s so lovely our kids have a relationship with their GPs/ our parents adore their grandkids’ but you can literally smell the relief when kids are packed off to GPs during school hols when parents are desperately trying to juggle work and dwindling annual leave. And there’s often resentment when it’s not on offer.

My brother is admirably honest about it - he lives near our parents, he got the childcare and he gets the money. He also does everything for them as they becoming older and needier. Theres no resentment between us at all.

Be honest, don’t be guilted, don’t feel there is a norm you have to abide by. You are very much entitled to a life.
But you might also find you like spending time with the grandkids sometimes. A happy medium can be found.

You absolutely aren’t obligated at all to help and I’d just be totally honest with your children and just say that you are burnt out after years of intense parenting and now need your own time while you’re physically able to enjoy it .
I have to laugh at the amount of mns who say the same things on these threads about never expecting help and never getting any help and then mention that the gps actually do babysit for occasions and go have for the odd week in the summer , so you absolutely have help !!!!
We have had zero from family , literally nothing in 14 years and to top it off not even when we are there so they spent no time with us when kids were small .
I’ve had to bring in my 3 kids to dental appointments, drs appointments, I lost a job as I just needed a bit of help for 3 weeks with childcare and it was a tiny amount but refused . I’ve looked after 3 small kids post surgery. My dh is fantastic and we are very 50/50 but we also have to work . We’ve never received a penny in help etc etc . Fair enough.
My mil made life difficult for me when I had 3 tiny dcs.. literally extra work.
Thing is…. kids grow up and gps get older . And it isn’t tic for tac or whatever, it’s the sad reality and consequences of being shit and totally unsupportive.
Now my mil is alone and needs support and has health issues , we are still both working and at last getting a bit of downtime as our kids are older and there’s no chance in hell we are helping, I mean absolutely visit (like everyone’s saying ) for a cup of tea every few months if even but that’s it and that’s what everyone is saying above, we don’t have to help to have a relationship. They didn’t have to help and support and either do we , we can all still meet up twice a year or whatever 🤷‍♀️

I grew up seeing my nan weekly , grandma maybe monthly both grandads sadly passed away.
My kids see all GPS weekly / fortnightly.

My adult dc talks about kids and joked I would be helping so they can work. However I absolutely would have no issue in this. I would do as often as they needed or as little as they need. And they know that . I'm alway around, I already do the younger kids school runs so makes no difference to me.
I'd alo offer to babysit so they can have some time together when they need it.

No not nice when its presumed you do it. My two friends help out but then you have your other kids wanting help too.. they both said its def expected now gp will pitch in!! My mam never helped so we just got on with it

Visiting your parents now equals "swanning off to grandparents", a negative thing apparantly. It's really quite shocking how you're trying to dress up the conditions that you were able to see your grandchildren. It sounds as if it was do childcare or don't see them.

@Crackanut just saying working parents do not necessarily have the leisure time to visit anyone at the weekend. They need to catch up. I am not saying the two (childcare and visits) should be connected but sometimes this is a good way of seeing your children and grandchildren.
When I was a SAHP we had free time at the weekend because all the chores were done.

There are no conditions for me to see my grandchildren.

Hey op you shouldn’t have to feel obliged to do this. Too many people expect it because childcare is expensive but the government helps a lot of families unless they have a certain amount of income. You could just offer when it suits you. I would say it’s best to wait as your dd might want to sahm. I think adult kids forget you have spent most of your time bringing them up they don’t always think that some gp might not want to do it’s harder as you get older. I don’t think you should be worrying right now. Trying living your life as best you can no one knows what is around the corner.

Is it quality time if they are just coming in, picking up the children and leaving though? The key thing is that you are choosing to do the childcare, not feeling pressured and, presumably, not having it expected of you as a right.