To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

But that is up to them, both to decide and to manage. I think it might be a good idea to tactfully set out what your views are but you mention that you still have child who is dependent on you? How old are they?
Do keep in mind that MN is often not your average real life...think of it as real life with the nobs turned up...something like Eastenders!

I can't wait to be a grandparent. I hope our DC don't leave it too long. As I intend to retire to look after them if that's what their parents want.
The happiest days of my life were when the DC were little and I could play with them all day. DH also can't wait.
I don't understand the attitude of not wanting to help out. I didn't stop being a mother when our DC turned 18. So long as I'm able to help them , then I'll be there for them.

Not a hassle to me, a privilege.

There's no reason to think childcare will be foisted upon you against your consent.

Presumably there isn't extreme financial hardship meaning your child could not afford even a few hours a week of childcare while working full time? And has a present partner?

You've raised your kids and all you need to do now is be interested and supportive. But you don't need to do childcare. That's not your job. If asked just politely decline unless it's a massive emergency.

Well you can like your own children, even love them, and not want to do childcare for them.

I think my dc are about 10 years off having children, but I'll still be working in 10 years! I hope that they will be able to live near me - but I suspect they need me to downsize before that can happen (or die). Anyway, I think I'll offer to do one day a week if they want. Plus a week in the holidays. If they live in a different town (or even continent), it'll be a different kind of relationship.

My dd has a good relationship with her granny and she has only ever been there to visit and spent a week with her in her caravan.

My mother didn't help out at all with my children and I had no expectations of her doing so.

You were a child in the 80s? How old are you roughly

I think as long as you don't do that thing where you get so excited at the news of a pregnancy that you make a load of promises that you won't keep then there's nothing wrong with not committing to childcare.

I never had grandparent childcare growing up and I doubt my kids will. Family get togethers and video calls work fine for us.

You get out of grandchildren what you put in. It's common sense that grandchildren, especially before they start school, will be closer to a GP who looks after them, takes them out etc. So it's your right to say you don't want to provide childcare, but don't get a case of the green eyed monster if the other grandparents are very hands on.

I was a SAHM and when you are at home with the children you don't always realise just how precious that weekend time is to working parents. It was a massive shock to the system when I did go back to work. It's not fair to expect working parents to prioritise your relationship with your grandchildren at the weekends if you are able to see them during the week but choose not to.

Set out your expectations of involvement and maybe they will wait until they can afford to have children before procreating.

"None of these things should mean that their inability or desire to provide child care for their GC, is used as an excuse to limit what time they can and are willing to spend with their GC."

It wouldn't be an excuse, it's basic logistics. Why should a grandparent who doesn't want to help their children expect to take up their weekends as much as they want?

I don't think anyone should assume a grandparent will provide regular childcare. If you want to offer the occasional night out, sure, but I don't think it should be expected that you would watch your grandchildren while your daughter or son works, for example.

Many grandparents haven't retired yet. Regardless of your situation, you are allowed to have a life of your own and not be at your son or daughter's disposal to mind their kids.

I will say that from my personal experience, and just from seeing what I have from my friends, the real breakdown with grandparents not seeing their grandchildren comes from their relationship with their children. So, focus on the relationship with your adult son or daughter and their spouse. So long as it's a positive one, they will want you around without you having to earn it by babysitting. Also you can do other little helpful things that don't include childcare, especially at the beginning, like picking up some groceries on your way over or bringing a meal when you visit that they can reheat during the busy work week. I think it's the grandparents who want to come over, be entertained, and add more work to the new parents that are the real problem.

We live far away from both sets of grandparents. I don't know anyone who expected regular childcare from grandparents (except SIL who also expected me to babysit for her when I visited my Mum!), but I know a lot of people who were disappointed with how uninterested their parents were with their grandchildren and how they never wanted to have a day out with the family and were never available to babysit, even in an emergency. So there's both extremes. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say e.g. you won't be available for weekly childcare but you can babysit once a month to allow the parents to go out.

But, if you were a child in the 80s then you must only be in your 40s or early 50s so surely your children have loads of time to become more financially stable before they have children so they can afford childcare.

Yep, as many have said - generally you get out of relationships what you put in (with the occasional selfish exception). It’s fine and dandy only seeing your adult children and grandchildren occasionally when you (and your DP/DH?) are healthy and hale and enjoying life in your 60’s and 70’s.

But then for many (unless you get lucky and go suddenly) comes the decline of your 80’s and sometimes 90’s. I see too many elderly people sad and lonely because often their partners have died before them, and their adult children and grandchildren rarely visit because they just don’t have a close relationship- often because they didn’t make it a priority once their children were adults and the grandchildren came along. I think the older people regret it now they need them- the happiest very elderly people seem to be the ones who helped out a lot when they were younger and now have a very close relationship with their grandkids as a result imo 🤷‍♀️ I even see them regularly bringing the great -grandchildren around.

Tell them now. My MIL did and it was honest and frankly good to know. She said "I raised my children, it was exhausting, I still work, I will babysit occasionally when I choose, but I do not want to be fixed childcare". We hadn't even asked her, she just told us upfront her thoughts, and i'm glad she did. There was a post the other day here about in laws who promised childcare and then were exhausted and backed out leaving the parents scrambling. I'd rather have someone be honest than tell me yes then obviously not want to do it. Are your children fairly young still (under 30)? I think there is a reason that people (myself included) left it till after 35 to have children, and even at times we struggled to afford the care, but we did it, got through it and we are fine now. Children (babies and toddlers) are utterly exhausting. It won't get better if you agree to be part of their plan now. Just say no. If they want to save and wait a few years, they should.

I don't think most people assume anything, at least that's not my experience with the mums in my circle.
We get one day from my mil but that was her request, we had him booked in at a nursery 5 days but she asked us to please cancel one day.
Works well and we regularly check she's still good with it and we don't expect her to do big days out or anything

Dh & I left uni & married soon after then a couple of years later had our first child. My parents were on hand to babysit but I took some time out from work until nursery years when parents then helped with dropping off & collecting from nursery & school while I worked part time.

Consequently & interestingly we are also young grandparents. We look after our grandchildren 2 days a week,school runs & toddler duty shared with dil parents who do the same. We all live within 20 mins drive of each other which helps. It's a huge reason to not leave it too late & to stay close if you can.. it was family team work We love it & wouldn't change a thing.

Are you working full time now? Or part time even? I think then I can understand why you wouldnt/couldnt do childcare but if you're sitting at home doing nothing then tbh I dont understand why you wouldnt want to help out?

Even 1 or 2 days a week would make a massive difference to childcare bills and you would still have 5 or 6 days a week to yourself. Not to lie but it does cause some resentment. If your children are struggling to afford housing and food and you choose not to help them out (even a few hours during the week) then I think that is a little bit meh.

I know I'll get roasted but it's my opinion, they arent entitled to your time or effort but it will likely impact your relationship with your children and grandchildren.

Two of my best friends are now grandparents and they both have their grandchild one day a week. They absolutely love it but also say it's exhausting! Just do what you feel you can - it doesn't have to be regular childcare, it can be having them for tea or an evening to give their parents the chance to go out. Or an overnight to give mum & dad a lie in.

You might find yourself feeling differently when your grandchildren are born - I'm looking forward to doing all the cuddles and the fun stuff and not being responsible for discipline and rules!

Do what you want to do - but be honest when the time comes.

I adore raising my children but I dont think (at this stage) I would want to go back to literally raising little ones in my late 60’s/70s! The current generation of primary school parents (totally generalising ages here but late 20’s to early 40’s) will be working to mid/late 60’s and I want to be able to travel after that. Im sure I will love sleepovers/occasional babysitting/fun weekend days out but I dont want to be doing school runs or day in day out childcare.

Its also important if they both work that they take into account your health might not always be the same as it is now. I would class my own parents as very fit and they have needed operations in the last few years that would have ruled them out of doing childcare for many weeks on end. Nursery is always guaranteed to be there for them if they are both working. If they are relying on you, they would need to have a back up plan if you are unable to do it at short notice.

Just be honest if the conversation does arise with them.

There’s still lots that could happen! Some people don’t like grandparents looking after DC. Someone may work part time and then they won’t need childcare every day. I think being honest with them now is the best idea. I really doubt they won’t have children if they really want them, they will find a way financially.

Could you offer to pay for a day each week of nursery? that would be very helpful I’m sure.

Tell them now.
No one should have kids assuming someone else will look after them.
Tell your kids only to have kids they can afford. We have parents nearby who don’t work but made it clear from day one they wouldn’t help out and they haven’t. They also didn’t make much effort to see us either even with me present whilst my son was young and no wonder why he doesn’t want to go there now he’s 6 and maybe stay a few hours on his own as he doesn’t know them!

Don’t commit to anything but please make some kind of effort if you want to help your kids and be in their lives.

My daughter knew I'd retired in order to travel and be spontaneous. So she never expected nor felt entitled to childcare from me. However I did say that I would do emergency or random childcare, fine instance to cover (in their case) clashes of shifts that meant that the parent supposedly looking after the little one, couldn't.

Also, I funded a day a week of the nursery costs, which made me feel a bit less guilty.

And I have a lovely relationship with my little DGDs, despite only doing occasional childcare.

As a Nana to a nearly 3 year old I can only say my experience. Due to complications I didn’t really have a relationship with my own grandparents and my mum was very much the Disney Nana. Loved them, loved to show them off, didn’t do much hands on. That was her choice.
But I know how much it would have helped me having someone in my corner so was determined to do things differently. I went part time and have my beautiful boy once a week. We also occasionally have him overnight. Yes it’s exhausting at times but this is completely outweighed by the amazing relationship I have with him, and also my daughter.
You have to do what suits you but omg it’s worth it!!

Don’t get it.
My mum just said no to regular childcare. We paid many many thousands in nursery and childminder fees over the years. I will be saying the same.
Speak up now. Their financial situation is not your problem.
Cant you speak to them openly and honestly?! Worrying.

In a recent post, the OP's mum didn't want to offer any child care because she went on lots of holidays and wanted to be able to take advantage of last minute deals. OP was fine with that and put her child in full time nursery. However, her mum's friend did a day a week's childcare for her grandchild and OP's mum had noticed that her friend had a much closer relationship with her grandchild than she did.

OP's mum was now putting pressure on OP to let them see the baby at weekends and have them for sleepovers. OP was pushing back as the only quality time she had with her own baby was at the weekend and she wanted to spend the time with her husband and baby. In a month, she and her husband would spend two weekends with just the three of them, one weekend with OP's parents and one weekend with her PILs. OP's mum wasn't happy.

In a situation like that, it is perfectly reasonable to limit the time the grandparents spend with their GC. Grandparents who offer childcare often do have a closer relationship with their GC as they spend more time alone with them.

My parents and my in-laws provided childcare for me and I’m extremely grateful, but I had a big age gap between my children and my youngest when I was forty, I’ll just be getting a life for myself when they finish school and my eldest could have a child by then, I’m really hoping they won’t expect any childcare, I feel guilty but my whole adult life I’ve always had someone to look after.