To dread what is expected of me when I am a grandparent

[Swan6]

It won't be long before grandchildren arrive in my life
Which I've always looked forward to
But there seems to be an air of expectations on Mumsnet from current parents towards expectations of grandparents,
attitudes I'm picking up on
,basically saying it was the grandparents own fault they don't see their grandchildren much ,as they are not offering childcare.
Parents were busy and wanted family time at weekends,and that didn't include grandparents,but if they wanted to see the child they could always offer childcare .
When I was a child ,1980s .. we visited the grandparents with our parents,maybe one afternoon a month at most .
My Grandparents were old and definitely didn't offer childcare to my parents.
When I had children I was a SAHP.. didn't have a choice ,as 2 of my DC had disabilities and were not in school.
But even if I hadn't been a SAHP ,there was no one to help out childcare wise .
No one ever offered any childcare,and it didn't occur to me to ask .
It's been really hard going raising my kids ,and I'm looking forward to the youngest being somewhat independent
The thought of being expected to do any of this again fills me with dread .
It seems like expectations on grandparents is huge
Mentally I've only just got through parenting unscathed ,I've nothing left to give ,if the expectations of me as a nana is to do 2 days a week childcare...I just haven't got it in me.
But if I don't ...
the cost of childcare will wipe out my DC being able to have children
I know they both assuming I will step up ..
And of course I will step up ..but oh ,I hope they leave it a good few years ..

We have no help from grandparents we have no contact with husband’s parents. I haven’t seen my dad for 2.5 years except briefly at a family funeral- he lives 20 mins away and sends the odd text but we don’t see each other. My mum lives 5 mins away and never babysits. She sees the kids maybe 2/3 times a year for things like Christmas. I have an aunt who helps if we have to get a babysitter- for example when I’ve been in labour.

My mum had lots of help from grandparents- they watched us all the time and I saw them all the time even when they weren’t babysitting. My mum is in her 50’s and there isn’t really any reason she can’t babysit, she just chooses not to. I plan on being a lot more involved if I ever have grandchildren.

I wouldn't go by threads on here. MN is full of unreasonable people with unreasonable expectations!
Personally it won't be an option for me as I'll be working full time until I die most likely. I'll happily babysit for nights out and stuff (as long as there's not a long list of instructions!) should my DC decide to have DC which is not a given.

I find MN generally quite weird on this
sort of thing and I wouldn’t assume that things you’ve read on here are anything like what your life will be. Lots of people on MN have a weirdly hostile and transactional approach to their parents and (especially) in laws. IRL most people are not much like that.

i think it depends on how many children you have too. If you have two, and one of those is adamant about not having children. then perhaps you feel happier about offering care and help for the one child who does have children. I've got five, and if they all produce children and they are close in age (as my children are), then how could I be fair in offering to help without having to help all five and ending up having no time for myself?

So I've said I will visit, I will dote on grandchildren, I will come to whatever I am invited to, but only within what I am capable of. I still work and will be working (although self-employed) until I drop off my perch. My time is limited and if all five decide to have five children each - I just don't have that much time left to me.

I have a baby and I have my parents who do not get involved in the slightest, its a push if I ask them to have the baby whilst I have a 20 minute hygenist appointment so I dont ask as I know they arent interested.
The Inlaws however want to spend all of their time with the baby, constantly offering sleepovers, days out.

Your kids might not even want their own kids so its a bit of a non issue but just set the tone from early on.

Its not that deep.

If they can't afford to have kids without you mopping up childcare then they'd need to consider all the other scenarios as well.

Like you being run over by a bus - how would they cope then?
It's unlikely they'll be factoring you into their decisions.

You can have a close relationship with grandchildren, by keeping in contact with them often. That doesn’t necessarily mean childcare, but it means being interested and invested in them and how they’re doing.

Many grandparents are still working, so childcare isn’t possible, but weekend babysitting might be. I know of one person who has a very close relationship with her grandchildren, but hasn’t seen them for three or four years, because they live at the other side of the world. They are in regular contact though, even though it’s not physical contact.

For context: I’m a grandparent. Love and utterly adore my grandchildren. I would, if I could, see more of them, but as a busy Deputy Head Teacher, 61, and also single (relevant, as this means as well as working a 70+ hour week, all the ‘house stuff’ is on me!) I only see them in the school holidays. My daughter is also a teacher, so luckily she is home in the holidays too, so childcare is not needed then.

I am a FANTASTIC grandma, extremely close to my little lovelies, and we have great ‘Nanny Days’ out together. You will too OP, no need to worry about ‘expectations’ …you will be the grandma that you want to be, and loved just the same. Stop worrying about it, otherwise you won’t enjoy it…and it’s honestly the best job you’ll ever have 💖

You could always move abroad then they won't ask you 😂

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions here.

No-one has actually asked you to do anything, have they? The grandchildren are hypothetical, they don't even exist yet. All of this drama is in your own head.

This is the second thread like this in the past week or so.

I had no expectations of my parents as grandparents. Which was handy (and wise!) as they have been pretty terrible grandparents. My children couldn't even recognize them in a line up.

Needless to say they won't be getting any assistance in old age from me. They can do it themselves or pay for it or not have like l have been doing for years. They were barely average parents, always too wrapped in themselves and their dramas

You see, it’s this sort of attitude that I find a bit twatty.

My grandparents lived the other side of the country, we saw them a few times a year, one set I was very close to, the others not, because they were unpleasant people.

My parents live about 45 minutes away, probably looked after my kids about four times in their lives. My kids adore them and as adults, seek out opportunities to visit.

Im not a person who thinks that the quality of a relationship is defined by quantity of contact. It’s the relationship you have when you are in contact,

On MN there is an underlying message of you can’t be decent grandparents with a good relationship if you’re not providing childcare, frankly that’s not true and the implication is manipulative and absolves parents of the responsibility to support positive relationships.

@Swan6 your kids were raised in your family, chances are that their values and expectations will reflect their family experience, so I don’t think you need to worry too much. Just be consistent with what you’re able to offer

I agree with making expectations clear from the off.

BIL and his wife kept having kids I think because of the great (and totally free of course) childcare offer provided by DMIL.

I don’t fancy doing childcare a few times a week after working until my late sixties, OP. I’d happily spend a long day with a DGC once a week but one day with nice activities like baking and the library planned is very different to three days which is asking far too much imo.

Having said all this, I currently early have a two year old who’s partial to a tantrum and it’s often physical work so I think I’d like to be fully exempt from childcare duties when they’re that age. 😅

My DC had no expectations of me. I was a grandma before I was 50, and at 56 work full time, and will continue to do so until at least 67 (longer if able due to rubbish pension!). They decided to have their children in full expectations that they would need to sort childcare. As it's turned out, due to flexible hours and generous AL, I do a fair bit of childcare, and have always done overnights at weekends, and evening babysitting to give them a break. I use flexi days and AL to take days off for DGC illnesses and emergencies. The important thing is though, it's seen as a bonus not a right, as I appear to have under promised, and now over deliver. I recommend it.

We didn't live near any grandparents growing up and we don't live near our parents now we have children ourselves.

Never occurred to us to factor in grandparental help when we started a family.

We have 1 child as couldn't afford to have more.

There aren't any set expectations on grandparents. It's a current topic of interest in the media. Everyone just does what works for them.

If you get asked you can say no. It's not your repsonsibility to provide childcare nor is it an exchange - give me childcare and you get access! That would be an extreme case.

There is no point in hypothesising about a hypothetical situation.

You're saying you want to help but worrying you'll be expected to help?!

FWIW I have 2 little kids and no grandparent support with childcare and we manage fine (DH full time and me part time). I would love some grandparent support but even if it were available I wouldn't make any assumptions. Maybe you're being unfair on your child in assuming what they are assuming!

Talk to them.

Make it clear that you are not available for childcare if that’s what you want to do.

We knew when DS arrived that we had to be self sufficient as GP didn’t want to do any childcare. We made sure we had £50k saved to fund nursery before we TTC. Thankfully we are now nearing the end of nursery and don’t plan on having anymore DC so all’s good.

The issue arises when people haven’t got enough money to fund childcare and expect others to step in and do it for free. Have the conversations now and not once the DC is born. It’s easier all round.

If you don't want to provide childcare then don't. It's not mandatory.

But you have to accept that if you don't spend much time with your grandchildren then you won't have a close relationship with them. That's the issue with my MIL - she only wants to see us every few months for Christmas, Easter and big birthdays. That's 4-5 times per year for an afternoon. She's also upset that my son "doesn't like her". Well, he barely knows her and she makes no effort whatsoever so I'm not sure what she expects.

I don’t ask either of my parents for regular childcare, occasionally when an emergency has come up they’ve stepped in.
My DH and I worked around each other so when I had finished my maternity leave I didn’t go back to the job I had left, instead I switched to care work 3 nights a week, it was only after both my older ones were entitled to their 30 hours at the age of 3 that I went back to my job.
When the littlest arrived I stayed in my normal job and paid for childcare.
It is not down to you to offer childcare if you can’t/don’t want to, funding comes in a lot earlier now. My children probably don’t have as close a relationship to their grandparents as I did when I was younger, my grandmother used to have us a lot.
My parents never offered and I never asked
because I assumed had they wanted to be more involved they would have suggested it.

It sounds like you don’t want to see your non-existent grandchildren more than once a month. And if you carry on as you are you’ll probably get your wish

Please don’t stress! I thought you were going to say that it was a matter of weeks, not potentially years. Anything can happen in that time.
Talk to your DC by all means but please do it gently, maybe drip feed a bit - too much too soon could be a heck of a shock for them & could make them feel unwelcome in your life. Further, you may change your mind when you meet any GC and want to spend every moment you can with them, no matter what their parents plan!

My parents were very much able to spend time with thei DC but chose not to; an afternoon a week was about a good as it got, and then it was clear that we had to be very grateful that they’d offered. (And as for spending any of their money on the GCs, well they didn’t do much of that either.)

I was looked after by my grandparents a lot, they were some of my strongest relationships, growing up.

We were promised childcare from one of our parents when I was pregnant with dd, but then they changed their mind, and have only ever babysat dd or ds a few times, nothing regular. It would have been easier to know from the start, so I had realistic expectations.

I take dd and ds to visit their grandparents regularly, so they still have a relationship with them, but I think the bond isn't as strong as I had with mine, who looked after me so often.

I don't like reading posts saying that if grandparents don't help, then they mustn't expect a relationship with the kids. A relationship isn't supposed to be transactional.

Personally we didn't ask or receive childcare from grandparents. Logistically it wouldn't have worked but I'm pretty certain I would not have agreed with how they'd have 'parented'. They'd have been too many cross words and negativity.

I think expectations and feeling obligated must very much depend on your relationships already. You mentioned OP that your kids were discussing their intention to start a family. This shows you must be very close already and this close knit relationship will, very likely, be expected to carry over to your relationship with any grandchildren. I can see how you might feel that you should or could offer childcare as you must see your adult children very regularly to speak with them about their plans?

This close relationship may make it harder for you to say no if you are asked but it is worth mentioning that it isn't your plan to mind kids. Perhaps lightly ask if there are decent nurseries near them and see where the conversation goes.

I don't think anyone mature enough to plan a family, would have a family without taking the cost of childcare into account. Its the very reason most of us have one or two children instead of three or four.......

I’ve already told my kids I’ll be doing one day a week and hopefully the other grandparent will do one day a week too. Unfortunately neither of them have a partner yet so it’s a bit of a moot point but i absolutely plan to do some childcare but I also plan to do my own thing. I certainly hope I’ll be getting grandma sleep overs too. Luckily in my world, people don’t seem to be precious about not letting kids sleep overs with grandparents, often from early days.

Ask them if they can afford a child. Have they budgeted for childcare? You’ve recently read that it costs ‘x’ a month in their area. And of course nowadays you can’t rely on having grandparents or others to help. For example, I’ve nothing left to give. Completely tuckered out. May have to work given financial situation myself. Etc etc

Dont let them proceed under the assumption that you’re at their disposal until you die.