Ruined ds's prom

[lostanduseless]

Went to pick up him and friends and there was a hideous diversion. I just couldn't do it. Drove round and round for an hour until his headteacher gave up and drove them home. Could hear friends getting frustrated, understandably, while on the phone to him.

I feel to stupid and useless. I drive loads but every other parent managed to work it out except me. Poor ds. Poor teachers. Poor other parents. What a twat.

Google maps got me home on Sunday when I was coming home from Doncaster on the M1, and live updates showed the M1 was closed. I put in my home location, and it took me past the diversion route and just got me home on the main A road towards Huddersfield.
Some other built in sat nav systems need updating regularly otherwise they won't work as well.

@Gloriiayou seem obsessed with blaming the teachers for this and insisting they should have called a taxi immediately etc. You don’t seem to be considering any of the following:

1. OP was already on her way, they likely expected her to be just a few mins late
2. OP was speaking to them throughout. She suggested an uber but they were against it.
3. Not everywhere has taxis available at the snap of a finger. I live in a small town (not a village, not the outer Hebrides, etc) - we don’t have uber and there is one taxi company with multiple cars plus a few single car companies. To phone one midweek late at night I would be shocked if they even answered the phone, let alone had a taxi available! We just don’t have the demand around here for a taxi company to justify working those hours.
4. Not everyone can afford an unexpected taxi cost. Without knowing the financial situation, you can’t just order someone else a taxi expecting them to pay for it! For all you know, they’ve saved every spare penny all year just to be able to afford to send their son to the prom.

You are speaking from a place of massive privilege if you don’t even have to consider worrying about the cost of a taxi. In an ideal world we’d all be able to do that in an emergency (which this wasn’t fyi) but there are many, many people living hand to mouth and just don’t have any spare money for things like this.

The op was made to feel awkward by the hapless HT who didn't call an uber

It is normal to feel bad when folk put themselves out particularly when there were other options.

I've got lost in diversions op, don't sweat it! Do not be buying them chocolates send them a link to a taxi app should it happen again.

It's a very disproportionate reaction to think that you're traffic issues has ruined DS's prom and that you feel sick about it.

Sounds like there is something much deeper going on about your sense of worth and resilience. Perhaps you should talk to someone and work on your own esteem.

'you seem obsessed with blaming the teachers'

I am! We've had pages of people telling the op how to manage maps, diversions, her anxiety etc etc etc. As if she is hopeless. No, the school staff were.

To your 1, 2, 3 & 4 points the op suggested an uber. Surely she wouldn't have done that if she lived rurally and they didn't exist or if she couldn’t have afforded one?!

So, send teacher a kind card and small gift like bottle of wine, say you really appreciate them stepping up to look after the boys. Also offer to cover cost of petrol but BACs transfer.

then send a text to boys and their parents- explain you feel really bad at letting them down and the wait and why. Or if you see them in person say this. Make sure you apologies to the boys themselves.

youcan say you know you were a total idiot. That way you take control of narrative, not being left wondering what they’re thinking. Sounds like you are possibly a HSP type personality, who tends to overthink these things (it’s sort of thing I’d do) , so better you tell them what you think they’re thinking rather than be left not knowing what they’re thinking…😉 you can be lighthearted on that bit, but make sure they know your serious about recognising impact on them.

then forget it. It is a small life mini disaster that you couldn’t help and didn’t do deliberately. Don’t overthink it any more. It’s done. It worked out ok in the end, you’ve said sorry and probably feel far worse about it then anyone else.

the only thing you can do in future is to check google maps on your phone immediately before heading out …check for new blocks in road, make sure you’re familiar with route and landmarks.

Also learn how to use google maps on phone with voice instructions- you have to set it up on phone to do this. I used to use a dedicated TOMTOM sat nav unit till last year, but now have switched to google maps on my phone for shorter journeys ….google is much much better at constant tracking and adjusting routes in real time. On longer journeys now I use both. My phone also automatically links to my audio centre (car is 10 years old so this isn’t new tech) so I get voice command through the audio consol very clearly. Ok, you can’t see a screen, but it is better than what you were trying to do. If I get lost, I try not to panic and just find first place to stop. Turn off engine. Take phone out and reset route and check where I’m now going. you can force a route around a diversion if needed. I don’t drive in a confused panic. Just stop safely and re-examine route.

id also be teaching my kid about taxis and getting them a uber app on their phone if it operates in your area. They’ll need it one day, you never know when.

Why didn’t you just stop and look at a map? You have a map on your phone. Stop following sat nav, stop and take 10 minutes to look at the map and make a route avoiding the closed roads.

And if this was prom then they are 17/18. Why didn’t they just call a taxi themselves?

My point is her reaction is excessive - thats the anxiety kicking in.

Complete overreaction to the point you’re now making this whole situation about you. Do you often victimise yourself OP? Will your son remember his prom for being a fun night with friends and a right of passage, or have you overshadowed it with this indulgent nonsense?

stop and take 10 minutes to look at the map and make a route avoiding the closed roads.

How do you know which roads are closed, or what distance the road is closed? A sign saying 'road ahead closed' or 'diversion' doesn't tell you how far the diversion extends.

I would respectfully disagree @Limehawkmoth - op really hasn’t let anyone down or been a “total idiot”. A sincere but light in tone apology to the teachers themselves, with or without a small token of appreciation, is enough. A round of grovelling apologies and multiple gifts makes this into a huge thing op is atoning for. Not only is that unnecessary, but given how she has described her reaction, very unhelpful for op. Nor is it helpful for her son. He needs to understand these things happen first of all and, based on what some posters have said about anxious parents, dialling up the drama is going to be negative for him too.

The teachers are almost certainly putting this down to a diversion, not blaming an idiot parent.

This advice also ignores the fact that stopping isn’t always a good idea. I was sent on a long diversion (over half an hour) around the outskirts of a major city last week. It was late at night, I was on my own, I’d never been to the area before and almost of the driving was in deserted industrial areas. Not a chance would I be stopping and sitting alone to pore over a map! Thankfully, the satnav was reliable and I wasn’t under any time pressure. If I’d needed to just keep driving until I got somewhere I could safely stop, I had that option. Op didn’t.

Don’t worry about it at all, things happen. When they’re older they’ll look back and laugh, they’re not going to look back and be angry about something this minor! Apologise and buy/do something to say thank you for whoever helped and then forget about it 😊

You’ve spectacularly missed my point …she thinks she’s been an idiot …she said that
We know she hasn’t…she is someone though that appears very sensitive to what others now think
i said specifically, a way to handle this if she is a HSP type is to tell people that herself and take control of narrative
maybe I didn’t make that clear enough
hopefully I have now

@lostanduseless trithfully I always found the unhealthy mindset the worst. And I get it sometimes I do see myself doing it but it does make the event solely focused on you.
it wasn’t deliberate, you didn’t forget - these things happen. You gave alternatives and they chose another one.

what you need to say to your son is that exactly that - but avoid any histrionics any notion that his prom was ruined and move on

My son would be laughing about this - he’d have jokingly said ‘useless mum’ as I have no sense of direction at all. But he’d have joked around with his mates and tried to have some banter with the Head and that would be the end of it. My daughter might not have been so forgiving in the moment but would have got over it by morning!
An embarrassing moment but I’d do as suggested give the Head a bottle of wine and apologise. It could have happened to anyone. My BIL got lost going from wedding to reception at a family wedding (took him two hours to drive five miles) with his young nephews in the car. A friend managed to miss putting her under 14 year old daughter and her friend on two flights (too late for first one, rebooked it for much later that day and managed to miss that one too).
Heck my own kids managed to miss their flight WHILE IN THE AIRPORT - didn’t realise the gate closed 30 minutes before take off. They were eating breakfast 🤦🏻.
Give yourself a break.

This. So you were late. These things happen. Of course it didn’t ruin anything! Maybe reflect on your reaction to this event and whether you could work on confidence, resilience, self esteem?

I kept suggesting an uber but they all seemed resistant to it. I also said about 30 minutes in it would be an idea to contact one of the other parents, which they did but not to tell them to come. I appreciate they didn't think I'd totally fail to get there until it was too late though.

They had options then - other than HT.

It's just unfortunate you couldn't get there - and HT got them home safe - so no real harm was done here - just one of those things.

It's not easy to use an electronic map when closed roads and diversions will not be shown

I thought they hadn't actually got there initially which would have been bad! Ah don't worry, diversions and sat navs that won't play ball are very stressful.
A thank you gift for the teachers will be just the ticket.

I haven’t missed your point. Mine is that it is very unhelpful to someone who is unnecessarily beating themselves up to encourage them in this behaviour.

I’m an anxious and sensitive type myself and I struggle to see how it’s controlling the narrative to repeat to others hypercritical and overblown judgements of yourself. It doesn’t present an assertive image to them and going through the motions is going to reinforce her own feelings of inadequacy. Then we have the son, seeing his mother bowing and scraping to everyone.

Controlling the narrative - to the extent there even is one outside op’s mind - is better accomplished by her taking the advice of almost every poster on this thread. I.e. reframing it as the non-event it is and proceeding accordingly.

Iv done this myself while on a course for work, about 10, years ago now. I couldn't for the life me figure out how to get to the carpark 😂, I could see it, but had no idea how to get in to it so I parked like 10 mins away and walked, for 3 days 😂 don't beat your self up about it, everyone had a goodnight before hand and you all got home safely that's all that matters. It does not make you useless, you just got overwhelmed this one time. Forgive yourself and move on

I thought at first you meant you went to pick them up to take them TO the Prom. That would have been a disaster 😄 but I don't think it's so bad if it was to take them home after. Poor you...I'd have been the same I bet, even with Google Maps on!

This is a bit extreme OP. You can’t hold yourself to such high standards.

I also detect that teenage brain thing where their impatience sets a command to parents to jump and we say how high when really we should tell them to sod off Ill be there when I’m ready and they will be grateful for whatever bit of their life enablement I am doing (taxi, money etc). This is really difficult to manage but you visibly and continually beating yourself up on this tiny issue is not setting a good example for their resilience.