I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

My extremely difficult child is now nearly 9. I’ve been at a loss with how to deal with her since she was about 3, and today I submitted yet another plea for assistance. Kids that mask so well at school ruin lives at home. Anyone that says that they cannot understand a parent that doesn’t like their child sometimes, or god forbid, hates them, has never been through the torture of being told on repeat how quiet and well mannered their child is at school whilst being punched, spat on, screamed at and manipulated at home. Even worse when they have a younger sibling that you are trying desperately to protect.
My child has destroyed me. I got close to suicidal and had to leave home at one point during covid because I couldn’t stand to be around her constantly. I’ve spent years thinking that I hated being a parent, I shouldn’t have had children, I’m a terrible parent, but actually, it’s just that my eldest is impossible to parent.
Now I’m the one venting, but I’m just trying to say, it would be wonderful if someone’s advice works, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong, there just aren’t any real answers for some kids. Try to get as much time away as you can realistically get.

No, I've never had anyone SEN in my family

Oh okay, that makes sense. Yeah, the school sounds good!

Your heart doesn't break for her child, you just made that up for dramatic effect. Your second sentence is so outrageous that I don't think you even mean that, it's just for attention. And yes I see the irony of me giving you the attention you so desperately crave.

Then believe me when I say considering sending a child at aged 4 (or pretty much any age really) to a special needs school isn’t remotely anything to do with just making a decision to do so and within a month said child is in an appropriate placement.

It’s fortunate for you that you have NO idea what the system looks like.

Hes ok, we have had some terrible times, hes a good dad. The things that he kept not doing which was enough for me to want to leave, he makes a really big effort in doing now, he works in london so does the lunches and clothes in the morning to relieve some stressful morning situations, i live 5 minute walk from nursery but it can be really hard so he arranges a taxi in the mornings they are at nursery.

but, he struggles to talk to me about the struggle as he just does not have those kind of qualities, hes not good with talking about emotions, it’s frustrating because If i ask him to have them for an hour so I can do my university degree im currently doing, he ends up losing it and becoming really stressed which makes me feel I can have time to myself? Not that doing uni is time to myself, but you get my jist - i hope that makes sense, I basically just feel guilty.

Oh okay, sorry I didn't know

Ok.

And, does he get time to himself, uninterrupted (including toilet and shower time)?

Do you make sure he gets time for himself?

Oh my god, someone who fully understands me 😭❤️ i am sending so much love, my lord it’s absolutely, SHIT isnt it!

Consider yourself fortunate

Yes,

he has a shower for 40 minutes a day, I count that as a big chunk 😂 i shower like twice a week, i hardly eat dinner ive lost alot of weight lately

I love it when women who I imagine are sat in there lovely houses with husbands who work and they have plenty of time to be yummy mummies throw judgment on other mums . You have been totally honest and I'm sure not a danger to your child . All this nd and adhd stuff is over the top as well , bloody everyone is these days ! Maybe just maybe your son is naughty and just not very nice at the moment , some kids can be without it being a neurological problem or your fault . I wish I could give you some practical help but please try and seek help from a doc or friend and I'm sure one day you will be sat together , with a lovely mum and son relationship , remembering how bloody hard it was . Good luck , you've got alot on your plate and remember that not all women are judgmental and self satisfied

Oh, did you have a child with my ex partner’s twin? Does he also get a 45 minute shit every day plus regular uninterrupted coffee with the neighbours/friends/ family?

So this appointment was to basically discuss why they have refused the referral.

i went there with my child who had bruises etc, and I cried and begged and pleaded to do something, and they said it’s not within their remit and they will send charities, they never did, I did that myself.

my youngest has severe eczema, another thing I have to basically fight to the horns for, even under specialist care, 2 emergency referrals for allergist both times they refused even after me pleading, while hes face is swollen and he cant open his eyes, today I took him to the GP and she said its because hes sock are too tight I just left crying.

i feel fucking ignored

OP - I’m probably signing of for the night, but can I suggest you re-post (including the relationship inequality) in the Relationships board?

You deserve better, truly.

Honestly.

I see all that clearly op.

You wouldn’t be posting for help like this if you weren’t caring but desperate. A lot of people are feeling let down by health and mental health support systems at present.

Ive not read the full thread, but, and this will be controversial, will he game?

I had a chld who was a nightamre until he got is hands on a nintendo DS aged 4 and mario, and level/adventure based aged appropriate games like pokemon and zelda. It allowed him to focus, it held his attention, it gave me a tool to negiotiate with, but also a tool to give me a break. He hated going to the park, crafts, toys, garden, baking, literally everything. He needed my attention 24/7. He wouldnt watch tv, videos, listen to stories etc. But gaming, it was like a lightbulb came on. And now, at 19, he has been my easiest child, very social outgoing, loves the gym, uni, but still games as a hobby.

I second this.

You will get some combative responses here.

And just for now, give yourself little targets, little wins.

Tell him every day that you love him. Even if that’s all you can manage, it’s something important for you both.

There isnt any in my area sadly
the nurseries that had this didnt have space for 2, they are like gold dust, its a major limitation and ill have to take unpaid leave

Do you want to say roughly where you are? I'd help if near.

You are giving him a lot of attention but can you focus on praising every little tiny bit of good behaviour and ignoring all the bad? Kids wants attention, even being told off will do so try and flip it.

When he goes to bed, dad should do the routine, get in the bath and try and relax. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be better.

I'm so sorry @13MAPARTHELL , your post doesn't shock me , nor does my 'heart bleed' for your child , I do wholeheartedly sympathise .My dd was impossible and I had a breakdown due to her behaviour, there were times when I wished either she or me or both of us were dead and I'm sure those with no understanding of what it's like will be horrified . We did get a referral and she was given counselling 🙄 which lasted all of 3 weeks before the woman went on long term sick leave. It wasn't until she was a teenager that we had proper intervention.
I can only suggest you keep pushing for help , might be worth writing to your mp ? Xx

Gently - praising is anathema for certain types.

I just had a 30 minute break when dad got home, went downstairs and he ran straight into my arms lots of kisses and cuddles and sorrys on both sides :) for today… until tomorrow of course 😂

i promise i tell him I love him everyday, I just deel rhat sometimes i love you but I dont like you, my mum used to tell me that daily, i would never say that, ive been tempted but I know how hurtful it is

I wish I could do more than add a ‘clap’ to your post.

Honestly.