I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

He starts in September

for example a friend had him for an hour, while i took my youngest to the hospital said he was so good i walked in, and he punched me for no reason at all.

its so hurtful it’s getting to me so much

i cant get work off in summer holidays and I just cant do it i absolutely cannot work with them here , ill have to quit my job

Well the level of extreme you are describing is absolutely not normal so there must be something there.

I think you are going to have to try to get yourself into some parenting classes somehow even via social services because his behaviour sounds very extreme and when diagnosed a lot of input still comes from the parents. The Explosive Child might be worth reading and then as much as you can on PDA profiles and ND because if it isn’t ND then he is developing a personality disorder and unless he is a psychopath there is still hope and tonnes of time to affect change in his personality.

Im struggling, because everyone would describe me as extremely resilient and I really really am, but not right now. But when im here with no help, nobody to meet, with a child who wont do anything, I take him out, within seconds hes done something terrible, we have to leave… so what just put the TV on all day?

like im out of ideas

ive read several books
ive researched
ive seeked help you name it

Lots of people find life with toddlers pretty grim op.

I know that doesn’t make it stop, but for perspective you aren’t the first mum to find it horrific.

It does sound as though he may have some issues. If you could think totally objectively, what would you describe them as? Do you think he struggles to concentrate ie it’s cognitive? Do you think he’s frightened/angry? Do you think he senses your dislike ? That’s not to blame you but to know where to start. If the little one is easier and is suffering healthwise, could it be his bid for attention and concern? Even adults do that …

Its not like that, ive checked out.
but i would never hurt him, when i say horrible things its more a case of ‘why are you like this’ which is still damaging and upsetting to a child and I recognise this of course, its very hard when pushed to limits hourly

but no, i have nobody

Where is his dad OP? What is he doing to support you in this? What summer holiday care will he do?

I have found a confidential helpline where you can chat on line or phone ...please ring them Family Lives is what you need to google. 08008002222 please call them and ask for help x

Your right in everything you are saying.

its sad, im an adult.
i think when you get a grip, but so many times when your dealing with so much, its come to a halt for me where im just surviving but not present. When i say checked out, i mean basically said fuck it, your not going to stop hitting and behaving because you want to watch tv all day, fucking watch tv all day. You want 5 snacks, fucking have 5 snacks, and then I just sit there like ive thrown my hands up.

hes got a dad, he struggles on the weekends
but obviously hes at work all week, i work 3 days but short days etc.

You need to speak to someone at his nursery and tell them exactly what you have written here. Also, speak to your GP about your feelings towards your child. Do it tomorrow. What you’re saying is extremely concerning and your child sounds like he may be in danger.

https://parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/our-work/map-of-teams-and-services/

Put your postcode in here and see if there are any services near you that support up to age 5 and then self refer. Services like this are set up for situations just like this and they will be able to support you.

Just sending you a handhold op. Some people will be very judgey and harsh on here so don’t take all posts to heart. It can be unrelenting and there’s not enough support. Don’t be afraid to lean on people where you need. The good news is that he is only 4 - so there’s plenty of time for change. Keep that in mind. If going back to work saves your sanity, so be it- you do whatever works for you. In your shoes I’d do the same and I’d be looking at plenty of clubs, groups etc he can join to have plenty going on and also to make it easier for you. Lots of luck xxxxx

Im not sure if he senses it
listen, I know my post sounds bad
but its my version of bad in how I feel

he sleeps with me, i cuddle him everynight, i tell him i love him everyday, these things are still true, im talking about how I feel inside. Saying horrible things is me saying ‘why are you doing this, why are you like this, just leave me alone for a few minutes’ which is still bad.

he can’t concentrate
he struggles to play nicely
hes that child who is rough and boisterous, but always too far, he mocks people, mimicks people, its as if he cares for nothing, discipline is not a thing, he does not care in the slightest, has no attachment to anything physically

I am sorry you are struggling. I'm assuming if he has been referred you've already seen your GP/ school involvement etc.

Can you speak with your Health visitor/ surestart(not sure if they still exist) , If all else fails contact social services, ask for help and advice.

you're not a shit mum BTW - please don't say that. you are a mum that is struggling and isn't getting any help.

Please read Janet Lansbury no bad kids - perhaps you're just super reactive with one another, but he's so little things can change. Please don't give up on him - for him, you and your family unit

So sad to read. All behaviour is communication. Please seek further help.

I used my phone to video my autistic child's behaviour so that nursery and GP would believe me

Nothing in my area sadly

OP what area of the UK are you in?

Perhaps there are local support organisations that you could reach out to. For example in my town there is a parent carer forum, several different Sen support groups, parent support groups, local FB groups, etc. You could also reach out to organisations like home start, and to your local family hubs (children's centres).

I feel like you need real life support from people who "get it". I have nd kids and it's hard to put into words how relentless it all is.

Can you afford to pay for an assessment yourself?

My GP referred us to CAMHS, and they refused the referral. We can't afford the cost of paying private. However, my friends son was on the waiting list for assessment for 2 years. She paid privately in the end because she was desperate. Her kid hadn't been to school for more than 2 hours in 2 years.

OP what area of the UK are you in?

Perhaps there are local support organisations that you could reach out to. For example in my town there is a parent carer forum, several different Sen support groups, parent support groups, local FB groups, etc. You could also reach out to organisations like home start, and to your local family hubs (children's centres).

I feel like you need real life support from people who "get it". I have nd kids and it's hard to put into words how relentless it all is.

Oh I know and I wish I could figure it out

Look up a group called Autism unravelled they are good independent organisations who do assessments for all neurodiverse children.

And yes, sorry I meant to say, it sounds so shite I'm so sorry. But he's so small, things can change. I knew a crazy 3 year old, the naughtiest as a they get, and he's now a very charming albeit cheeky young man. Don't give up

Give him up for adoption?

may not be related to this thread but i wonder about hidden cameras (and the ethics for older children).. i have read about and have some personal experience (not my child) about DC with explosive rage but parent couldn't get them diagnosed because they acted / masked so well at school and during diagnosis, parents were made to feel they were exaggerating