I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

Thank you this is really helpful,
i am 100% going to do this, ive asked dad to take a few days off work, when I get like this I just need TIME to get over myself and crack on because I never have a choice of course, i do this regularly.

i know my child has issues, its been recognised by medical professionals, so to still not get help and be expected to cope with it alone, while workjng and having a child with medical issues as well, its ALOT

Right now, im ranting, I dont hate him, but in the moment of writing this I felt as if i did.

@DollyandDotty are you really in this field? Because you would know some kids are so extremely obviously ND, that their parents' lives are a living hell and yes the word hate does come in at times. But obviously the parents do terribly terribly love their children like every other parent too

That's very typical of the ND child.

I don't blame you and I'm sorry that some people have attacked you.

Family members , they dont help me with my child, we see them but not often and never for anything child related, maybe a coffee once a month, and my partner tells me this sadly, he thinks that my child views me as weak.

because it has been recognised by professionals that there is power influence involved in his behaviour

i know it’s embarrassing, im 30 years old

I find my kids extremely triggering- like yours they have days of continuous aggression, noise, fighting. Like you it was always when with me rarely with dh and certainly not with any other caregiver.

What helped me was to start low dose anti depressants, which took the edge off the emotions, made me calmer and less guilty with myself for feeling like that. Counselling as I was struggling with my job at the same time, and I also started exercising and took up an old hobby from
pre kids so i wasn’t just “mummy”. Now when they’ve been exceptionally challenging I put on my running clothes so I’m ready to leave when my husband is in the door from work.

I also acknowledge and apologise if I do shout - my children know I’m not perfect. Honestly the pills made me much more able to think of ways to tackle the behaviours: calmness, sticker charts, consistent boundaries. I don’t always get it right but it’s heaps better! We play again now and don’t use screens so much as a sticking plaster. See if any of this helps whilst pursuing support for potential behavioural needs. You can do this!

The only mis- match is you having the imagination of moss.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and no one’s helping you. It’s healthy to recognise feelings of hate towards one’s child when it happens. It doesn’t mean you don’t also love them, feelings are intense sometimes and it is horrible to be so without support. Your mum sounds horrible to you, I’m so sorry.
re quitting your job, maybe talk to work about some unpaid leave until Sept? So you don’t have to quit, assuming you’d rather not.

Huge sympathy for you OP. The way he behaves is NOT your fault and the way you feel is completely natural. I have a close friend with a child very similar to what you describe and she could not be a better mum yet she is at the end of her tether. My DC has similar issues - perfect at school and meltdowns, rudeness and abuse of siblings at home. Now DC is older they can articulate better what's going on to cause these - there is always something, even if just overwhelm from the day. I think one issue is that kids like this seem to need a lot of stimulation and entertainment yet are a nightmare on days out etc. It's much better now DC is older as I can say if you don't feel you can cope and behave properly then you should stay home (I very much present it as a kindness to them rather than a punishment). One thing that helps is detaching emotionally and seeing it as a job. I.e. it's my job to bring x up. It sounds horrible, but imagine your son as a kid you've fostered or something. You will be much more objective and it will be easier to see when he's just exhausted and overwhelmed. When that's the case the TV is a godsend. I would put him in summer childcare and let him watch TV otherwise if he wants. When you have him all day, one outing somewhere low key eg local woods or something. But whatever else, please detach emotionally from it all a bit. Or it will break you. Good luck

No-one has attacked her. They are just not minimising what is a very concerning situation.

He punched me in the face before writing this, and hit my other child, and im sorry it made me feel an extreme way, its a daily occurrence and a pressure cooker which has popped today, it takes alot for me to feel this way, im a very strong person.

Firstly, I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, it sounds really hard work.

I am thinking of when my kids were young and it was really, really important they got enough physical activity every day. My lads were 2 years apart and if indoors would be totally hyper until energy was used up. Sugar or UPFs would exacerbate this, as would hyper cartoons or - when a bit older - video games. We would hear them starting up and send them for a run round the woods.

If you haven't got much space outside locally there are things you can use to work off energy like a pogo stick or punchball.

Also, and I never did this because I am rubbish at routine and hate it, but having a clear routine with clear expectations works really well for some kids.

If he is ASD, i wonder if he is masking with other people and letting off steam in his 'safe space' ie with you.

The fact that you bonded well is great. That means you have a strong connection to build on. Can you remember exactly when things started to go wrong? Was it around the time of any other significant changes in his life?

Based on your descriptions, I think this situation is not something that traditional discipline can fix. (I'm not a fan of traditional discipline anyway to be fair.) That doesn't mean allowing violent or destructive behaviour, of course. But it's so easy to get into a power struggle with a strong-willed child, and in a sense he has nothing to lose and something to gain by breaking a TV. He can't understand the financial cost at his age, but he has figured out that it's a surefire way to get attention. Nothing will turn his behaviour around overnight, as it sounds like a habit and a pattern for him now. But you can change things, with the right tools. Play therapy might be very beneficial for him. And once again I would recommend the Beyond Consequences material.

Your partner tells you your four years of feeling old sees you as weak???

oh, lovely, you’ve got it coming from all sides.

Can you talk through maybe a typical day out with him? Give an idea of what you’re experiencing and how you handle it?

I recognise that may be hard - MN is full of people who just live to judge - but I get it. Parenting a challenging child (pretty much not only alone but also as a nice little side show for family and even your own partner to just casually judge from their armchairs) is really really really bloody difficult.

I am definitely going to do these things, thank you i really do need something to take the edge off.

i also always apologise and make up for jt somewY and pray he remembers that and not me having shouted at him.

I'm not an expert and this is not a diagnosis but I do think it might be worth you contacting the PDA society as I think they will be able to help you.

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk

ps - I had imagined having a child and sitting doing drawing with them, or them doing quiet things like that independently - never happened. Three live wires, who have all grown up into amazing, kind, lovely people with whom we are very close. We have had some nightmare times along the way, but it can and does get better.

It’s hard but behaviour is a communication of a need. You need to find out what that need is.

Whatever the cause, it is an extreme thing to say and shows how very bad things are for you. Please be frank with your GP. I cannot believe they would ignore a mother saying that she has got to a place of hating her child.

Not if im not there, but if I am then yes he will.

The other thing is that your partner HAS to back you up every time. Literally echo and back up every consequence or boundary. This is absolutely vital or he will see you as weak. Also, have clear but not too many boundaries and stick to them without fail. Also talk in advance about the day. Today we're going to get up, have breakfast, do some craft, have a snack, go to park, have lunch etc etc. You can have a snack at x time. Be super clear. Also, one can watch telly while other gets attention and then swap.

OP works in safeguarding - I’m sure she knows what happens to women who dare to ask for help bevause they're beyond breaking point.

I feel so sorry for you, so I have some ideas.
do not keep up a front; people need to let them know you need help.
See your GP better. help now before you have a breakdown and end up with your son perhaps going into care
as you have had referrals, look up corresponding online/phone support; they may be able to suggest something
You have to have an honest conversation with his father; though he may help at weekends and work in the week, you need more help. i.e., evenings, etc.
Are there any local charities? I know my mom used to help with a group called Home-Start, which would support families who needed help. Locally to me is a SENSE center, which helps and supports families.
can your son go to a nursery or similar ones connected to schools? They are ideal for getting him used to school. sorry if i missed a point about that

Oh for goodness sake. If you're going to comment at least read all of the OPs posts. Ridiculous.