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Original poster

I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

269 replies

13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 17:12

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/06/2025 22:08

This reads like something I wrote when DS1 was 4. He was impossible, every single thing was difficult.

Sorry I haven't had time to rtft but I'm sure there has been lots of advice re adhd autism etc. OT worked wonders for us, we went privately and I adapted the house and his routine for a lot of sensory stuff, a sensory diet they called it. Often done to preempt bad behaviour rather than react to it. I could post all day about my journey but just wanted to say I totally understand. I went to a support group for parents with suspected adhd and pda (we called it ODD) and it was like finding my tribe. People with regular kids have no idea how awful it is, it took me years to build up my confidence after DS, I was the mum with the bad kid who everyone stared at and even close friends avoided play dates with. It was an enormous relief to meet others who struggled the same way.

For now keep him and his brother apart as much as possible, maybe alternate days in care. The less time they spend together with you the better, as the 3 yr old will suffer. Try to have them do different things, I wouldn't even try to get them to play together for now as it only stokes the fire.

He might always be a difficult child but chances are this is your worst time, try to get through it and be strong.xx

menopausalfart · 25/06/2025 22:08

I hope you get the support you need. So frustrating that it's taking so long.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 22:08

Gagamama2 · 25/06/2025 19:43

Get out the DS!! Playing age appropriate games, solving problems, getting creative on something like Minecraft is all positive surely. There are lots of educational type games on an iPad. I mean in an ideal world all kids would be like my middle girl who will build stuff out of cardboard for her stuffies and paint and organise her room and read etc etc…but this is not an ideal world. When my partner (who works away from home half the week) moans the kids have had an hour of screens after school sometimes I literally want to walk out. It’s relentless. The screens for my youngest are more for me tbh. And they do regulate him. He can’t seem to switch himself off and is so angry / emotional all the time. It must be a relief for him to zone out

Show quote history

I definitely agree! Ive just gone on vinted and brought aload of games of there! I knew this nintendo would come in handy one day! Ive had it since I was 10 😂

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 22:10

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/06/2025 22:08

This reads like something I wrote when DS1 was 4. He was impossible, every single thing was difficult.

Sorry I haven't had time to rtft but I'm sure there has been lots of advice re adhd autism etc. OT worked wonders for us, we went privately and I adapted the house and his routine for a lot of sensory stuff, a sensory diet they called it. Often done to preempt bad behaviour rather than react to it. I could post all day about my journey but just wanted to say I totally understand. I went to a support group for parents with suspected adhd and pda (we called it ODD) and it was like finding my tribe. People with regular kids have no idea how awful it is, it took me years to build up my confidence after DS, I was the mum with the bad kid who everyone stared at and even close friends avoided play dates with. It was an enormous relief to meet others who struggled the same way.

For now keep him and his brother apart as much as possible, maybe alternate days in care. The less time they spend together with you the better, as the 3 yr old will suffer. Try to have them do different things, I wouldn't even try to get them to play together for now as it only stokes the fire.

He might always be a difficult child but chances are this is your worst time, try to get through it and be strong.xx

Thank you so much, this is really helpful!
and yes me and partner have said actually tonight about doing this on the weekends I take one out sat him the other and then vice versa, when school comes I will probably stay part time really and have my youngest twice a week, I really worry about how this impacts him

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 22:12

Thepossibility · 25/06/2025 21:20

He sounds like my nephew who was diagnosed with ADHD. 4 was his absolute peak awful age! I babysat him only ONE time for a couple of hours and he attacked my small dog and my child. I knew there was something off when he was a baby and he hated being held, by anyone. He would strain to get away from you. Mine would snuggle in. All he liked to do was trash things. My poor SIL went through a lot. He is a wonderful little boy now at 10. Of course he still has some challenges, particularly at school but it's like night and day to what he was like at 4.
He is lovely to chat to.

It is so fucking hard, my mums dog growls and tries to bite him, and he will go to put his hand in its mouth, im like wtf are you doing! Or he tries to hurt our cat, who now has a new home next door, he loves bugs and has them as little friends, and then only AFTER kills them

i feel like im quite literally, waiting for time to pass, its insane and now how I imagined it, its a hard pill to swallow it really is

OP posts:
Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 22:14

Sayithowiseeit · 25/06/2025 21:17

I have been there. Absolutely desperate. Being screamed at that they hate you, they wish you were dead, they want to kill themselves, hurting themselves, hours of screaming because of something so small that they have forgotten why they are doing it.

Begging for help from services and being told "you're a good mum, you advocate for them, you safeguard them and as you're not a risk to your children we're going to close the case" well thanks for that.

I struggled for years and was let down so badly. My mental health plummeted and I was suicidal because I could not take it anymore. Dealing with this on a daily basis, begging for help and being told no, having thoughts that you hate your child and being so desperate to get away from them. I even told all services I was at my wits end and wanted to die. 8 days later I begged children's services to take my children into care, I was told "oh we're not at that point yet" i replied "you might not be but I am". I told the social worker I was planning to kill myself, do you know what help I got from her? She sent me a text message with details for 111, I kid you not. That night I attempted suicide and very nearly died.

There really is no help. The system isn't set up to help.

This has turned into a rant of my own. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, you are not an awful parent. You are a mum and a good one from the sounds of it, that is having an awful time. It is not your fault that the system is letting you and your family down.

I am so sorry this is your experience, it really is awful, I have been so close previously as well & only have myself to pull myself out of that pit! It is so incredibly hard to cope with, I even rant to Chat GPT because it listens, and responds and its actually really helpful and says things like your experiencing extreme stress daily, which is not natural etc, thanks AI

HOW SAD IS THAT

OP posts:
yourtodolist · 25/06/2025 22:20

Just to say I have been here and things are so much better now. Ignore the ignorant posts on this thread, I absolutely understand you as do some other posters. I had a regular child and then came my second. They are now diagnosed pda. I received no help at all from posts like yours or from desperate calls to all authorities. I genuinely thought it might be better to give up my child as I had no idea how to handle them. Once I started pda strategies I started to breath. My child is nearly 7 and we have mostly good days now. I have no help from anyone, no school as they (the school) couldn’t cope but we are now doing well. Please dm me if you need an ear. I’ve been there and it got much better. It’s not you, it’s your situation.

Mo819 · 25/06/2025 22:26

No judgement here I've been there my son was a devil at home angel at school they didn't believe me untill I filmed him .
Keep strong hunni your doing your best . Refer yourself to ss if you feel you need it they can at the least sign post you to services. And google local support groups. This will pass.

notanothernamechangemother · 25/06/2025 22:31

Sounds incredibly difficult. Have you tried Homestart? https://www.home-start.org.uk/Homestart support families with at least one child under 5. It might give you give you some respite. You can self refer as well. I hope things improve soon.

Home-Start UK

Home-Start is a local community network of trained volunteers and expert support helping families with young children through their challenging times. We are there for parents when they need us the most because childhood can’t wait.

https://www.home-start.org.uk

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/06/2025 23:56

@Sayithowiseeit your post was hard to read, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you were at the stage I was afraid I would get to. Thankfully I never did but came close.

My DS is late teens now, an A student and athlete, handsome and popular and I honestly can't match the man he is now with the child he was. It's so removed I sometimes wonder if I imagined it all. Then I remember being whacked over the head with a hard object while driving because a light turned red, or having to rush out of a pub because he randomly snatched glasses from someone's table and threw them at the wall and smashed all over the place. I know I've been lucky, when he was about 4 and a half it was like some neurological miracle occurred and he began to make huge leaps developmentally. He gets very wound up and agitated sometimes now but manages himself with intense exercise. Once the self regulation kicked in, the difficult behaviours started to fade. Hang on in there OP

Justagirl95 · 23/04/2026 17:22

How's it going now OP? I've reached breaking point with my 4.5 year old and this thread has really made me feel like im not alone 🩷

ApproachingMinimums · 23/04/2026 18:05

13MAPARTHELL · 25/06/2025 17:22

I have seeked help, and its lead to nowhere, there is no help for me.

Show quote history

This is not helpful but I have seen what you are going through with my niece.

Nothing worked. Nothing. My sister and her hub got to a point they hoped she would grow out of it (as they tried everything else) and she did to a degree once she got to an age where how she appeared to others mattered to her a bit but she was still foul to her parents. I couldn't bear to be around her. She would steal my car keys and they would never be found, that sort of thing. She would go to any length to hurt and upset people. A true psychopath born to loving parents.

I have mentioned her and this on here once before and got flamed for it but it is recognised that psychopaths and sociopaths are often like it from birth/very early life. I fervently hope that is not what you are dealing with.

I have no answer but to empathise. Keep trying to get help is all you can do. You will get a lot of posters who can't imagine the kid is as bad as you say.

My niece died at the age of 39 as a result of (yet again) not taking good advice and thinking she knew better. It didn't work out for her.

Don't flame me. She was formally diagnosed.

smallglassbottle · 23/04/2026 19:13

I don't know if the op is still around on this thread, but it sounds like pda. Pda is well recognised as being one of the most soul destroying parenting things out there. It is utterly impossible to deal with. I don't know if there is any better advice around now as it was a newly recognised condition when ds1 was young. He had adhd and pda. It nearly finished me off. I hope op is receiving help or advice now.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 23/04/2026 19:19

smallglassbottle · 23/04/2026 19:13

I don't know if the op is still around on this thread, but it sounds like pda. Pda is well recognised as being one of the most soul destroying parenting things out there. It is utterly impossible to deal with. I don't know if there is any better advice around now as it was a newly recognised condition when ds1 was young. He had adhd and pda. It nearly finished me off. I hope op is receiving help or advice now.

Hello!!

still around, same issues 😂

he is now diagnosed autism & PDA profile and it is absolutely impossible your right, i just take each day as it comes now, im medicated following a few mental breakdowns, which has helped and i also drink a bottle a wine a night, which also helps (not the best i know) and NO HELP still, called 111 several times, back to early help, its just signposting every single ‘support’ framework is essentially signposting you to the others, I gave up & emailed them this recently

‘thank you, but i know how to use google, im looking for support, physical support, until you can help me with this, save your energy googling local support who signpost me straight back to you’

OP posts:
smallglassbottle · 23/04/2026 19:27

13MAPARTHELL · 23/04/2026 19:19

Hello!!

still around, same issues 😂

he is now diagnosed autism & PDA profile and it is absolutely impossible your right, i just take each day as it comes now, im medicated following a few mental breakdowns, which has helped and i also drink a bottle a wine a night, which also helps (not the best i know) and NO HELP still, called 111 several times, back to early help, its just signposting every single ‘support’ framework is essentially signposting you to the others, I gave up & emailed them this recently

‘thank you, but i know how to use google, im looking for support, physical support, until you can help me with this, save your energy googling local support who signpost me straight back to you’

Edited
Show quote history

Oh bless ya, it's a hard road for sure. Is there a national society or anything for pda now? Are you getting any advice or anything at all?

Ds1 is now 27 and I recently learned that pda's central problem is acute anxiety and anxiety over loss of control.

Original poster
13MAPARTHELL · 23/04/2026 19:30

smallglassbottle · 23/04/2026 19:27

Oh bless ya, it's a hard road for sure. Is there a national society or anything for pda now? Are you getting any advice or anything at all?

Ds1 is now 27 and I recently learned that pda's central problem is acute anxiety and anxiety over loss of control.

Show quote history

Yes and they are good, PDA society - they have an email and you can email a scenario and they will respond with a way to deal with it next time, which is actually super helpful!

yes the need for autonomy is wild, we essentially do not feel like parents, we have to treat him like an adult in some ways, while of course keeping him safe, which is wild! There are a few boundaries of course, but we have to be super relaxed with him, and even then its still a nightmare. Kids with PDA simply dont listen unless there is something exchangeable, its a very transactional etc.

hes current thing is spitting in my face 😂

then there are moments of sweetness, its so JARRING 😂

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 23/04/2026 19:38

It is really difficult when you have to keep them apart all the bloody time.

smallglassbottle · 23/04/2026 19:54

13MAPARTHELL · 23/04/2026 19:30

Yes and they are good, PDA society - they have an email and you can email a scenario and they will respond with a way to deal with it next time, which is actually super helpful!

yes the need for autonomy is wild, we essentially do not feel like parents, we have to treat him like an adult in some ways, while of course keeping him safe, which is wild! There are a few boundaries of course, but we have to be super relaxed with him, and even then its still a nightmare. Kids with PDA simply dont listen unless there is something exchangeable, its a very transactional etc.

hes current thing is spitting in my face 😂

then there are moments of sweetness, its so JARRING 😂

Show quote history

This sounds useful re the pda society. My ds settled right down when he hit 13. His anxiety was bad, but he was more manageable. They argue for bloody England though 🙈

Are you using screen time and puzzle games etc? I found computer games useful to calm him. Stuff like school tycoon.

Justagirl95 · 24/04/2026 14:32

Oh god thats so hard, I'm sorry 🩷

My problem is he doesnt show any signs at nursery, its just when hes with me so we dont get any support there either. This is rough.

Do you mind me asking - has his relationship with his brother improved? I've found my 2 year old has to leave activities etc early because of my 4 year olds behaviour and thats something im really struggling with.

Thank you xxx

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