I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

In your shoes I'd be sending him to nursery all day every week day, especially as you say he behaves well there. I'd work more hours to cover the cost to do it. Up breakfast, get him to nursery, then you won't have to deal with him until you collect him at night. Home, dinner bath, bed. Does he sleep ok? At weekends get his Dad to have him. In a couple of months he'll be at school. If he is still as bad id pay a childminder to collect after school and pick him up at 6pm. In the meanwhile film his behaviour at home. Take to your GP and tell GP you are at the end of your tether.

Gently not needed. If I am wrong, then say so. It's fine.

Nothing more to add. Just to emphasize: seek professional help for you, for your son's sake.

This isn’t the worst suggestion op. You need some reprieve and it may keep him out of harm’s way. You can find non violent games.

Maybe playing yourself first to pique his interest. If he’ll sit doing that it’s something for you all while you catch your breath.

Yes im in kent.

and yes your right, i need to do this more and dad is definitely doing night tonight!

Oh, OP.

my heart breaks for you.

Shit mother - leading to making choices in relationships that pit you last - and now a child who needs intense parenting whilst you’re told you’re crap by those around you in a system that’s designed to blame you.

You deserve better. You really do.

We can’t possibly know what’s going on as none of us are there to see it.
But I wonder if it would be helpful to go to the GP and ask for help for you, who is having to cope with so, so much. Maybe anti depressants, or counselling, something for you so you can get a little bit of strength to carry on.
Your DP sounds worse than useless, he doesn’t get to opt out when it gets too hard, to have the luxury of not coping, because that ramps up the pressure on you.
If I had to guess I would think that your ds is ND, and the stressful atmosphere is making him so anxious that his behaviour has spiralled out of control.
I would leave your DP, but at the least have couples counselling to see if he can step up a bit.

You’re wrong. It frequently doesn’t work.

Or because he knows you “hate him”. Kids are intuitive and I promise he knows. Please contact your GP and say you’re at Crisis point.

The first step is recognising that op. You are having a hard time and deserve the chance to get to grips with this. Are you able to spare some money for counselling?

Or as other pp suggested maybe antidepressants could help clear your head while you figure out what you need?

Same!! Why is this?

OP I have so much sympathy for you, what you’re going through is shit, and all the alternatives are shit too (running away from the family, putting child up for adoption etc), it’s like you’re trapped and there’s no way out. It’s terrifying. People on here saying “oh he’s just 4, he just needs more physical activity / hugs / discipline” etc etc do not understand what it is like to have a child like this. NOTHING works.

My 6 year old has been like this since he was about 3. School see a bit of the bad behaviour but not the extremity of it. I started a behaviour log when things got really bad which was useful to document home life and also very cathartic. It made me realise it wasn’t me being sensitive / a shit parent, it was the child - every 5 mins there was something logged and seeing it written down was validating. I also filmed him melting down about certain things / refusing to do stuff etc. It was so his teacher could see what I was going through. But then she left and new teacher just keeps saying “he has good days and bad days” but isn’t concerned. Meanwhile I’m here barely holding it together. When you have more than one you compare the behaviour (same environment, same diet, same parents etc etc) and know there is something else going on as it doesn’t make sense.

My 6 year old is only happy when gaming. He plays on his dad’s switch. Or watching YouTube. He would do these two things all day every day if he could and would be fairly regulated. Maybe it’s fine. I don’t know. My partner doesn’t like kids to have much screen time and it causes lots of arguments between us. But if he wasn’t in the
oicture I would just do whatever it takes to keep my son regulated and me sane. If it means 90% of time outside of school is on a screen then so be it. Hopefully it will turn out like the pp above.

also, I’m pretty sure my son is autistic with PDA. I can see his behaviour in a friends son who is diagnosed (he also uses YouTube and Roblox to regulate)

And I think you're talking bollox. Would love for you to be in the OP'S shoes for a day.

I dont mean that I dont hate him, I hate his behaviour.

i believe, alot of it is from externals such as my mum, who brand him to his face as the ‘naughty’ one, I dont do this.

or if we are with people, and I tell him off, others feeling the need to also jump on jt

now hes anxious as a child
and hes very easily embarrassed
if someone walks past laughing with a friend he asks why are they laughing at me etc. im trying my best to understand him, its so difficult.

i dont speak with those people anymore, and my mums knows not to do this now, i made that very clear

Sharing the three things that really helped me whilst parenting my eldest DS aka the shit spitting spawn from hell with very complex needs and exhibited what his SWs liked to call extremely challenging behaviours…bless them he bit them more than once…TBH he kept the destructive and risky behaviours up till he got to a residential special college and his additional MH needs in the form of bipolar and severe generalised anxiety disorder were finally spotted.

1. Book ‘ The explosive Child’ by Ross W Greene. Includes ideas on steering explosive and aggressive behaviours from oppositional defiant disorder and conduct disorder as well as the fiery end of ASD and normal kids with very low frustration tolerances.
2. Specialist positive parenting courses aimed at explosive ASD kids. did not solve his behaviours but gave me some headspace to retreat into in the face of none stop risky behaviours.
3. NHS CAHMS tier 3/4 paid for specialist Studio3 low arousal intervention strategies course to manage his complex and challenging behaviours. Works for some and was the only thing that gave some help.

TBH it took till he was 19 before he started to calm down, (mainly because the hidden bipolar was Finally being treated)

For your younger son,
The clothing from this company made a big difference to my younger son with severe eczema. It is not cheap but lasts and lasts and can cope with wet wraps and all.
eczemaclothing.com/collections/cotton-comfort?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19666594281&gbraid=0AAAAAoczHQjEjxWP6Zp0iid0lo0ZuXod2&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvpaMqJeNjgMV2ppQBh0gwR0AEAAYASAAEgIIT_D_BwE

Oh dear. Three months ago I lived there. So sorry I can't help but will virtually.

This is ridiculously relatable!
i actually have an old DS, I should fish this out.
my husband is the same about TV, and it really really does calm him down so much. It pisses me off I know he judges me for it, and then he has him for an hour while trying to do something else, and has a real massive stress & I say is this the alternative to just putting spiderman on for an hour?

FFS she already does that!

Which means sometimes it does so I'd be right then.

OP I really understand. Your son sounds almost identical to mine did it that age. He did eventually get diagnosed with ASD when he was 16. He 100% has ADHD too

At 4 he was an absolute little fucker he permanently hurt his younger brother (also a year younger), was really well behaved at school and then would come home and explode.

Things I wish I had done more of the time were as follows:

1. Whilst he was hitting his brother or doing something violent I would remove his brother and completely ignore him.
2. I would praise him whenever he did anything remotely good.

(Basically praise the good ignore the bad). Most of what he did was to see the reaction.

1. I would make time for him to decompress. If he was escalating his behaviour I would separate him and then give him time to calm down.
2. When he was being good and engaged we would then discuss about how to behave nicely.
3. Give him lots and lots of warning about what is going to happen when it is going to happen and countdowns to it happening.
4. If he is fussy about things like food, what plate to use, clothes to wear, where to sit, let him get his way. It's comforting.
5. Workout where his flash points are. The mice on it was when I returned home, when he returned home or when we had to leave the house. I tried to make these as stress free as possible.
6. I've come to realise that our whole family is neurodiverse and understanding this has made it a lot easier.
7. My younger son has been told for a very long time his brother is neuro diverse and when he is being a dick we used to eye roll out of his sight and say don't worry that's just the autism.

He is now 19, apart from being a very messy fucker he is great. He hasn't been violent for years. He's still needs to be given space to calm down and lots of warning. Now him and is brother are actual friends and go out together. I enjoy spending time with him. He has a full time job and lots of friends.

I used to feel like the worst mother in the world who couldn't control her son. He would hit all the kids all the time and always cause a problem at parties or in the park. It was embarrassing and upsetting. I'm also ashamed to say I used to lose my temper and scream at him.

I had no family to help at all and dh would work very long shifts so feel your pain thoroughly.

I promise it gets easier. Find some friends that you can go out with and blow off some steam. Hope it works out soon 💐💐💐

Well I hope that made you happy because it would be such a shame if you kicked someone who is clearly feeling low and you didn't get your reward.

Which is great.

I’m trying to say when things are tough, it’s fine to go to the basics.

Why are you so rude and aggressive?

If it works for all your sanity, it works. The DS literally changed our household massively. The first day he completed a game he was so happy and proud, he was like a different child. There so many age apropriate games for the DS too, it was great for young children.

My son is autistic, though manages fine now. He found his peer group at college, and outside hobbies lke the gym, school was harder, he was never bullied or alone thankfully, but he had a very small friendship group. Within gaming though, the boy excels. He was leadng groups of adults within online games at 14. i was in every server he joined and monitored chats etc, to ensure the people he was gaming with online we ok. But they were mostly uni students and young adults who just shared his passion.

Gaming taught his so many skills, andhas massively increased his confidence. He can speak to people, problem solve, lead teams to shared goals ensuring everyone is in a role that matches their stregnths etc.

Alot of people view it as a negative, but it can be such a positive, with the right monitoring and the right genres of games.

@13MAPARTHELL

I work in social care childrens disabilities and Im recommending this because you are not having success getting help through the medical route

https://www.kent.gov.uk/education-and-children/early-help-support-for-families#tab-1

i think this is the best place to start they won’t get you a diagnosis but they will listen and are designed to help quickly for brief periods and can act as a stepping stone to other services. You will be allocated an early help worker and they will do a family assessment.

your GP should have signposted you there in my opinion

Get out the DS!! Playing age appropriate games, solving problems, getting creative on something like Minecraft is all positive surely. There are lots of educational type games on an iPad. I mean in an ideal world all kids would be like my middle girl who will build stuff out of cardboard for her stuffies and paint and organise her room and read etc etc…but this is not an ideal world. When my partner (who works away from home half the week) moans the kids have had an hour of screens after school sometimes I literally want to walk out. It’s relentless. The screens for my youngest are more for me tbh. And they do regulate him. He can’t seem to switch himself off and is so angry / emotional all the time. It must be a relief for him to zone out