I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

Its so sad for us as well, because between 4 grandparents nobody has any interest in helping not even for an hour, ever.

ive not read this one!

That’s not funny.

You’re not a “ shit mum” op; you are trying to get help, which is what you need.

Maybe because you say nasty things to him? My eldest was a difficult to manage child but I always refrained from saying horrible things to him even if I thought it. He’s a fantastic adult now. You need to sort yourself and be the adult here! Get some help, speak to your GP.

No dont be silly!

im reflecting how I feel.
i may seem less present currently with him, but gets love, ive never physically harmed him, these are my internal feelings.

Gosh that sounds so difficult.

You know what, I don’t blame you for your “fuck it” mindset. You need a break, let him watch TV, eat snacks(although not too much sugar or that will make him worse). Just have a week or two where you give yourself a break from doing what you think you “ought to do”. You never know you might find just doing less, being more relaxed, may help him be more relaxed.

The good thing is he will be starting school in 2 months, hopefully you will get more support there.

Agreed. Venting is one thing but to HATE (in caps!) your four year old is cause for alarm.

Please be honest with your GP. Don’t say “I’m finding it a bit difficult”, say what you said to us, that you HATE your child. They will take that very seriously and refer you for urgent help.

Janet Landsbury is lovely I agree. I'd also say think about looking into low demand parenting, and PDA approaches as both may help you reframe and avoid a lot of flash points.

I'd also recommend pages on FB like "neurowild" and "missing the mark, not fine in school". (The second one has a lot about masking!)

My nasty is not the same as what you are thinking, its me saying ‘why are you like this’ in anguish, because hes headbutted his brother for just sitting there etc.

The poor boy. Sometimes it can be very difficult to like your child let alone love them. but you absolutely always have to parent them that is how you come through the other side whatever that may look like.

Really?

He will have picked up that you don’t love him, that you do love his sibling, and most importantly that you genuinely believe the 4 year is responsible for creating and fixing this dynamic.

You are the adult here, and you should not be allocating yourself a free pass by blaming him.
I don’t know what would motivate you to do things differently- pride, or shame, or ambition, but you need to very quickly look within yourself for a reason to make this better and manageable.

Surely, you can today at least tell him that you love him, is he, as a person worth that.
If you genuinely feel your child is unlovable or not good enough for you to love him (and that is absolutely the sense you are giving off here), then frankly you are a disgrace to all of your cchildren, and setting them up for the chaos of the Stately Homes threads.

Could you afford some private sessions of play therapy for him? You can be involved in this as a parent and it can help to rebuild your relationship with your son.

Thank you!

i really am counting down the days!
its like he is bored at home? But wont do anything, and I try so much, so many different activities I make massive effort to do this. I also have no family to meet, and i have ny own limitations in money, like I just dont know what else I can do!

Does he get any 1-1 time with you or is his brother always there? What is he like 1-1 - I’m just wondering whether it’s at least partly extreme sibling jealousy?

In all honestly, it sounds like you need a break from him and some rest to recharge. Is it always you with him 24/7? Does your partner help you? Parenting is a partnership and men should do their 50%.

And I say this with zero judgement. Mothers deserve a break too!

you are connecting me saying not nice things, with my saying im struggling to love him.

i tell him I love him everyday, and cuddle him to sleep everynight where he sleeps in bed with me.

your comment is not it, please read my responses to others

OP I really feel for you. I know you only want a vent but would you consider talking to a child psychologist or play therapist to help you uncover the meaning of his behaviour? You may have to pay for this privately if you are not getting anywhere with a referral

Have you considered your child may have reactive attachment disorder?

Did you have postnatal depression, which may have affected your bonding?

Is he intensely jealous of his brother?
And angry with you because you (of course) care for your youngest?

Are you ever able to spend time just with him? Would the grandparents take the younger while you spend time just with him?

It sounds so overwhelming and I am not surprised you are so upset.

Have you been to your GP, said you fear for the safety of your younger child and you would like a referral to family therapist? If you make it about safegaurding your younger you might get more help.

Hi @13MAPARTHELL
It’s good you’re being honest.
You could report yourself to social services on the emergency helpline for your area. Say you’re worried how you are feeling and what damage you’re capable of doing. In theory, they should remove him from you and put him in a foster home.

A true measure of how you’re feeling is to really envisage this scenario where he’s removed from you right now.
Imagine Social services coming to your front door ready to take him. Really imagine it. Or him being ill and being taken from you. How do you feel? This type of visualisation can help flood you with relief and gratitude and more patience because you’re so pleased it’s not real. If it doesn’t and you’re pleased he’s going then you should consider this for his sake and yours.

There’s lots of other good advice on this thread. He may have serious issues. He may just be craving your love - it sounds like you need an urgent and serious break from one another and a form of intervention.

This is our broken broken system. The referrals being dropped is absolutely criminal, I'm sorry. Reading books is not likely to help when you need professional input and support.

Can you speak to your local MP? I don't know if they can pull any strings to make something happen but they need to be aware of how people are struggling in their constituency without access to proper assessments and support services. It's underfunded everywhere and some MPs are more switched on about this than others.

Do you have a SEND Local Offer? They sometimes have groups for parents who are dealing with difficult behaviour with no specific diagnosis. If there are other names for this in other parts of the country maybe someone can suggest others.

Could you afford professional help/therapy privately? OT, NVR, behavioural therapy, assessment for autism (assume too young to assess for ADHD but I'd look at that if he's not), PCIT or general developmental paediatrician/psychiatry/psychology?

Can you send him to childcare for longer hours over the summer, it sounds like he's ok at nursery can you up his hours? Whatever is happening you sound like you need space to breathe. Even if it means struggling financially I would consider it if I were you. If his nursery can't accommodate more hours maybe another setting has space?

I feel for you, OP. I don’t think you sound like a bad mum at all, just a mum at the end of her tether. I’m so sorry life is so difficult at the moment. I hope when your son starts school it may be a little easier to access support (though I know this is not always the case). Just sending solidarity for now.

Can you afford to pay for some private therapy- they can help you come up with parenting strategies that might work with him.

You could pay to have him privately assessed but realistically even if you get a diagnosis no support come from it.

I had a difficult time like this and now my son is an adult I realise what I was doing wrong.I wish I could turn back the clock.

My guess is your son is jealous of his younger sibling.
His way to get your attention is to be 'naughty'. And it works.

Except you are giving him attention for being naughty, not for being 'good'.

The only way to change this is for YOU to change your parenting style.
He's a tiny child. You have to be the one to change.

Start by giving him cuddles and attention, and praising him for anything he does that is not 'naughty'- even just sitting eating his food or whatever.

At the moment you are simply reinforcing his bad behaviour by focusing on him when he plays up.

You need to break the cycle.

It's not easy and I know how you don't want to be affectionate, but it is the only way.

Give him some time with you, alone, away from his sibling. Go OTT with the praise.

Even though this is hard for you, it needs to be done. Otherwise he will end up an unhappy child (he is already) and will be on a track to nowhere.

Believe me, he KNOWS you hate him. How do you think that feels to be 4 and rejected? He can't articulate his emotions. but he knows how you react to him.

I think rather than refer him, you need to refer yourself, to a parenting expert to start to untangle this mess. You can do it- you just need to start seeing it from a different angle.