I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

Strong signs of ND here.

For a ND child, school and nursery are exhausting. They aren’t designed for ND brains. But there are rules, so they spend all day overriding natural urges to fit in. They come home exhausted and dysregulated. He needs your help. (I’m ND as is my DD, so I do get it.)

And he didn’t get much time with you before a sibling came along, whose needs would have taken priority, so he doesn’t see his value at home either. But it’s his safe place and you’re his constant so he lets it all out there.

Try contacting Action for Children to see if they can help.

I have met kids like this. It sounds awful but it’s like being in a domestic abuse situation but there is no way of leaving. Four year olds are awful, and if he is ND then he could be more like 2 mentally with similar levels of impulse control and lack of emotional language. You need to find a way of low demand parenting which allows him to express slowly what’s going on for him, that might not be verbal. Watch for when his body relaxes and when it tightens. Watch for his meltdowns and keep a diary of any preceding behaviour. It sounds like he does whatever the opposite is to what you ask. He hurts his brother as you are already on edge about him doing so, although it’s obviously completely understandable for you to do so given the previous incidents.
Do approach early help, I’m a SW. Your kids won’t be taken away. Tell them what you told us. They’ll get it. Many of us have ND kids ourselves.

I found Phillipa perrys book/ audiobook very helpful when mine were smaller.

He never behaves like this around anyone else?

I apologise if this sounds stupid, do you think he acts out because he wants your attention? Because you say he behaves perfectly fine at Nursery so they haven't spotted anything unless I've misunderstood? Again, I'm sorry if this comes across stupid - I don't mean for it to.

But leaving him to do what he wants isn’t showing him love.

Its hard to tell, im really not sure.
we have done this as I recognised this might have been an issue, and we had great times, but ultimately nothing changes, also please note my youngest gets nowhere near as much attention my 4 year old is very much the forefront, and we have concerns about our youngest as well because of this.

Yes, I took him to the Gp and showed them a slideshow of injuries from my youngest, and the GP said it was not there remit

This. The fact he can control his behaviour when he wants/needs to but then exhibits such challenging behaviour with you warrants investigation and support.

Can you afford to seek private help?

Why don’t you go and try and be in ‘his world’ maybe he needs you more emotionally
more cuddles
more reassurance
more time together
try to understand him
it might be his way of needing you but he can’t communicate it

Please do not 'armchair diagnose' autism or ND.

Many children are difficult and many mums find them hard work.

It's not right to give labels when the root of this may simply be jealousy of a younger sibling.

But try to understand, I am one person.
they almost cannot be in a room together, that is how I have given up and let him watch Tv all day, because it keeps my other child safe and it keeps my 4 year old distracted from behaving in that way.

i dont have anybody

They are not just internal feelings. He knows you checked out.
I am in my 40s and doing psychotherapy. Its all about my mother and her issues while I was growing up. When I was reading your posts I thought I am wondering if my mother had similar feelings to you. She never did anything to address them.

I can say now after all I went through I do wished she gave me for adoption. So if you are thinking it's justified to do what you are doing, it's best for your child to be cared by another adult.

I don't feel any love for my mother, I can say this here in an anonymous forum. I do love my dad. My family was very dysfunctional.

I do feel lots of love for my children. I put their needs first.
I wanted to be different to my mother and have very little contact.

You have no idea on the impact you are causing your child.

he has ASD assessment, the neurodivergent team met him, agreed on meeting him he shows strong characteristics, and then proceeded to refuse the referral

You can reach out and give him a hug.
You can smile and tell him you love him.

Start changing what YOU do and see how he reacts.

I said “signs”. I didn’t say he is.

And described a perfectly normal ND situation. (You have to go very far in my family tree before you find someone not ND.)

It sounds like he's jealous of his little brother. Is his behaviour better when you spend time with him one on one? Or is little brother always present?

On what grounds did they refuse the referral?

I promise you he gets all of these things
just not this week, im a little more reserved because im so fed up

She doesn’t hate him. She’s just worn out.

It is very very hard to diagnose children his age. I'm an education professional and my opinion is that at the moment these labels are loosely applied and far too quickly.

Didnt say, I have an appointment with gp to discuss it, but nearest they could get is 2 months away, I promise I am trying 😭

Read @13MAPARTHELL posts. She tells him everyday that she loves him, cuddles him to sleep and sleeps with him!

Bu that's not what you posted. You said you hate him and are done with him.
Even he will pick up those vibes.

Get help for YOU on dealing with this and how to work with him.

You said his dad was around. Where is the younger one’s dad? Send 3 year old off with their dad and spend some time with your 4 year old.