I HATE my 4 year old, I dont want to look after him anymore, I have given up parenting him.

[13MAPARTHELL]

I cannot stand my 4 year old,
he has been referred twice and they have not continued due to nursery. He is an angel for others, he does not like me clearly and I dont like him. He is extremely difficult, ruins single handedly every day out, every trip to the park, every activity. It is near on impossible to manage, it’s extremely difficult to have a job, he is naughty on purpose, and im not joking he pushes every boundary, repeatedly. He is a huge wind up, he hates everyone, he hates his brother, he hates me.

i let him do what he wants now, I’ve completely signed off mentally, and physically because I am struggling to find love for him right now, i really am.

i am finding myself saying some not nice things, because nothing makes an impact.

i just feel like I dont want to be around him at all.

or when other adults are in charge he is holding himself rigidly controlled due to not feeling safe. When it's just you, he can finally relax because he loves you and feels safe with you and he doesn't need to be afraid.

Highly anxious children can be a fucking nightmare when in the sole care of the one person they feel safest with.

I'm truly sorry you are struggling. It sounds as though you're at the end of your tether. However, responding to your child's behaviour with cruel words and negative emotions (which he can sense whether you verbalise them or not) will do genuine harm and make everything worse. At a certain point you and he have got stuck in a negative feedback loop. It's essential that you reset things. Did you bond with him as a baby? When did things start to go off track?

No one on this thread can diagnose your child with anything, though he may well have additional needs of some sort. Clearly you need the help of professionals. I'm not going to pretend it will be easy to access help, but your son deserves that help. He is crying out for it in the only way he can.

You say that you have sought help, but it's not enough to say you've tried that and now you're done. Please keep going, look into more resources.

Here is one option: an approach called Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control. I have friends with children who were adopted, and they swear by this approach. It was originally developed for older children who acted out in quite extreme ways, mainly due to attachment issues. But it's a great approach for any child IMO. It's all about building the relationship and forgetting about traditional reward/punishment style discipline. There are books and video materials, and you can also book individual consultations with therapists who follow this method.

Your making this sound worse, im telling you my internal feelings as advised in my earlier reply. I do all of the things you just said.

my child is loved, im extremely loving as a parent, people think im a pushover and im not strong enough with him.

Also OP I wouldn’t put too much on a diagnosis. They really do just that. They diagnose and that’s it. There is no support. You’re better off going through early help via the local authority and then getting a family support worker.

A friend of mine reported herself to social services to get help, might that be an option?

It's not me making it worse. Read your first post as a stranger here would and see what it says.

If you can't see that, maybe what you think you're saying and doing with him isn't what you think, either.

You have my full sympathy but there is a mismatch with what you say you do and what you wrote.

Just wanted to say I have been there. Both my children (one diagnosed ASD) have hit me to the point of bruising, thrown things around, told me they hate me and they hope I die and that they die too.

There is very little help or support out there I’m sorry to say. But when they start school at least teachers are on your side and may be more likely to support a referral.

I let my ASD child have a lot of TV which most parents would probably be shocked at. He has a lot of snacks too (but is slim as a whippet). I would say do whatever you need to get you through the day and show love when you can, give hugs when he will take them, express that you care for him.

I disagree, 4yo kids are a handful yes but not like the OP is describing, otherwise all
mums would reach breaking point and that's clearly not the case.

"We have done this and we had great times"

So he did respond positively to one on one time with you? It sounds like you only did it a few times though. It's not a consistent thing? It needs to be consistent for him to feel secure in your affection.

We are bonded really well , hes very socially aware, if he hits, it will only be someone younger, he will be his most badly behaved, when he sees me struggling with juggling them both, if i say im just going to the toilet someone come with me, he knows thats a time, so he will then hurt his brother. Hes smashed a few TVs now, hes been told off of course, and if he dosnt get what he wants, he will say im going to smash your tv, its like fighting fire?

if he goes in a room, he dosnt care
time out, dosnt care
toys, dosnt care

its extremely difficult to make an impactful discipline situation, that is why I am struggling so much as there are two I simply cant control the situation, i hope that makes sense?

This is so hard for all of you. Please go to your GP and talk about you, not your son. Ask for referral for counselling.
Try calling Family Line 0808 800 2222 in the meantime.
Take care.

Please reach out for help. You will not be judged. Call your local authority children's services and express how you feel, they will put support in place for you. They will not automatically remove him from your care so this is nothing to worry about (unless you want him removed from your Care, you can ask for that too). You can't just continue as you are without support, it's not fair on you or him. You sound like you need some support with depression? And some help with parenting (nothing to be embarrassed about it's hard!!!!!)

I just want to send you a hug, you sound like a great mum who is just at the end of her tether. You are in the trenches parenting wise and it will get easier after a few months at school. Be aware he will be so tired from school it might get worse for a while in those first few months. He reacts most to you because you are his safe person.
I really hope you can get away for a couple of days without the kids. You really really need this. Do anything you can. You need a break.
I know it's the last thing you want right now but 1 to 1 time on a regular basis will be invaluable to both of you. If it were me I would make that happen if I could.
The systems around behavioural issues etc are broken.
The two of you will come through this.
Hang in there. It gets better.

Oh my goodness OP, it sounds incredibly difficult! Sending you love ❤️.

I am not trained and apologies for arm chair diagnosis but what you describe sounds like he is neurodiverse, thst behaviour is just not right!

please insist on getting the help you need. My eldest (now 19) has special needs and learning difficulties and I use to be in absolute despair when he was younger. Things really improved and he is a joy now, we love him dearly.

Please keep strong and don’t give up on him. You need to have a serious talk with his dad who needs to pull his weight!

I'm not doubting that, bless you. I'm just wondering why on earth you aren't getting help...

You sound like a good mum at the end of her tether. Just hang on in there for a couple of months...

You told her to do various things, I’ve told you she is already doing them, plus more.
What the OP thinks in her head is not the same as what actions she shows her child.

i cant get work off in summer holidays and I just cant do it i absolutely cannot work with them here , ill have to quit my job

what do you mean by this? Of course you can’t work whilst you have a 3 and 4 year old at home with you. You need holiday childcare.

Oh, this sounds so hard. You’re struggling with your child struggling to exist in the world - and no support.

And I’m sure self righteous people telling you that it’s all your fault.

it sounds like just for starters you need a break - you cannot pour from and empty cup and it sounds incredibly empty.

Can you get a break?

For starters I’d be making life low stress and low stimulation.

you are being leg down by the system - which you already know, particularly if you work in a safeguarding role.

I actually feel im a really really good mum, who is being let down in many ways by both support network, the NHS etc.

my child is incredibly loved, and well cared for, I am simply struggling right now, theres a lot of stuff on this camels shoulders, and my back has broken, and im struggling to feel see any positives atm in my situation.

i work in safeguarding 3 days a week
i research 3 hours a week to try and help him
ive done my own referrals im waiting for for him
ive got a younger child with severe eczema, im fighting tooth and nail for this as well
we have no support what so ever

i promise you I have tried

If he is on the spectrum then perhaps watching TV or playing on an iPad is his way of zoning out or decompressing. Especially if he’s been masking at nursery.
OP you sound like you’re a good Mum and you try hard to entertain him - park, crafts etc. Allow yourself some time for him to just watch TV, you can still craft with your LO (maybe even in peace) and invite DS 4 to join. If not leave him where he is happy.
I think we are so hard on ourselves trying to offer varied activities. In reality in the 80s all we had was TV, playing in the street and if you were lucky Brownies. We all turned out alright! Be kind to yourself OP. Worst case scenario your son watches TV for the 6 week holidays, it’s not the end of the world.

Who tells you you're not strong enough with him?

In the absence of any immediate help from family or any professional support perhaps you and your partner could regroup, harness some energy and work together this weekend. Agree a timetable for the days.
Do some short focused play based activities sometimes with your other child, and yes interspersed with short screen time. Go outside and try to wear him out a bit. I know is just the weekend but, despite your thread title, you can change your mindset. You've acknowledged he's challenging but you do love him. Until help comes in other forms you (and his father) need to accept it's really hard for you right now but believe that it's OK to just be good enough.

Thank you

their dad just came home and I just went straight upstairs for a break

i really do need a break, i feel worse today because I called my mum asking for help in summer whenever possible, and she went absolutely mental at me for even asking

its sort of been the final straw today

Christ, you poor woman.

The kid is important, and everyone is giving you advice about what to do about the kid. I hope some of that's useful.

But you're important too - and not just because you're the kid's mum.

So I think you should look for help for you. Not in terms of 'I can't deal with my son'. But in terms of 'I am going mad here, I'm stressed and I'm really not holding myself together'.

You need help. And I think you should be selfish about looking for it - because you're not going to solve the other problem otherwise.

Yeah, yeah, Sprawl - what does that mean, in practical terms?

I don't know, to be honest. My point is that you should present - to GP, Social Services, whoever - not as a mum with an unengageable son, but as a woman with an unbearable weight of stress.

Ok.

Don’t even bother with toxic family - theyre less than useless as they will just drain you further.

How supportive is your partner?