Sleepover - a bit shocked

[Platypusdiver]

Dd is going to a friend's for a sleepover. Friend is a girl and both are 13. I get a whatsupp message this morning from the friend's mother. Addressed to me and the parents of two boys, telling us that she (mother) will sleep at her boyfriends to give the kids more room!

First, I didn't know there would be boys, which i am not over the moon about. That is on dd for not telling me. However, I am shocked that a parent of a 13 year old girl thinks an unsupervised sleepover with boys is a good idea (13 as well). (Also, it's at her place, if anything were to happen, it would ultimately be her responsibility.)

Obviously, I am going to say "no adult supervision, no sleepover". But I am also uneasy about it being mixed. Would it be okay? Dh thinks so long as the friend's mother is there it would be okay.

Anyone who thought it was ok to leave 4 13 year olds, regardless of whether they were male or female, alone overnight is not someone I would want supervising a sleepover.

I’d say no to boys and no to no adult supervision!

Of course not. She does not have good judgement. You cannot leave them unsupervised all night. That is madness and the mother is being well cheeky

if she wants them to have more room she can sleep on the sofa

Bloody hell op

Concerning you need to ask

my child would never ever be going to this girl’s home again. Sure the child could come to mine but my daughter would never darken her doorway again before she was 16 and even then….

Either...

Sleepover mum is off her rocker

Or sleepover mum doesn't want a sleepover so has cooked up a way to get other parents to not allow their kids over without being the bad guy.

I fear it may be the former. Any sense of this parent in general? Harder when they're older but is it a friend from primary school? This has my safeguarding bells ringing in general for the daughter

Edit: for what it's worth we had mixed sleepovers at this age in the 00's but in larger groups not pairs - 2 x 2 are more likely to pair up and keep things quiet, a larger group that's less likely I think. We used to all sleep in the living room with host parents (well, host mum) breezing in and out every now and again

Nope , I would not allow this
Your dd was not honest with you about the fact that boys would be attending this sleepover

I know a mum like this, very laissez faire, very 'cool', let's her 8 year old out wandering the neighbourhood on her own, generally is clueless about where any of her DC are. Thinks things for much older children are fine for the younger ones (e.g. films).

Before I knew exactly how 'laid back' she was she had insisted on taking my 2 yo to 'give me a break'. She wanted him for 5 hours. After half an hour I felt uneasy about the whole thing, went back to her house to find that no one knew where my 2 year old was and she was in the shower. Luckily found him in the garden playing. But the gate was open to the main road. Never again!

This wouldn't be happening if it were my DD.

This is precisely why I am not a fan of sleepovers either. Goalposts aren't same in different households, in this case no parent and 2 boys staying too!

Bonkers IMO.

Come again?

Firstly you don’t think that an 8 year old wondering around the neighbourhood alone might be a cause for calling the police?

Secondly, you thought “hey, perfect person to leave my 2 year old (2!!) with”? Despite presumably hardly knowing her

unfathomable

Nope.

She basically wants a night at her boyfriends and using this as an excuse. My dd best friends were boys at that age and I did allow sleepovers otherwise she’d have missed out on that whole experience but they were all immature and I stopped that soon after at puberty. So the boys a non issue for me but the absent parent no way

Same here in the late 90's. Don't know if I'd feel the same about it now though tbh

I am not sure about mixed ( as my kids have best friends of opposite sex)

But ... No ruddy way without an adult.

No of course she shouldn't be going to a mixed sleepover.
She is a child.
Don't people believe in parenting children anymore?

I did a few mixed sleepovers as a teenager. If you have a friendship group hat contains a mix of boys + girls, then it isn't that weird. We had a great time.

No one was dating though, and very clear rules: Boys slept in one room, Girls in another.

There were some parents who didn't allow it. I remember a few times, where all the boys were invited for the evening, playing games, dinner, etc. But then the boys had to leave, and the girls slept over. Bit annoying but no one felt offended or upset - just "oh that person's parents are a bit stricter"

We all knew why though...

(Unsupervised though, at 13? No Chance.)

We knew her reasonably well via school. Eldest DD is a friend, she also works at my work and seems very capable there. But at home is just very 'chilled' which we hadn't realised. I dropped him off, got the vibe and was back as I say within 30 mins. Luckily we live 5 doors down.

And I wouldn't call the police 😅 but it's just not something I would do (to let my 8 yo wander for hours around the local neighbourhood on her own).

Several parents seemed to think a mixed sleepover was fine when my DS2 reached about 14-15. It was always a no from me and he always had to be picked up late evening. I’ve seen too many cases via my work in school with resulting accusations and problems. The parents are niave at best. But no way would I have a teenager staying over without an adult present.

This!

A mixed-sex sleepover of at least 10 youngsters with at least 2 adults present - fine.

A smaller group isn't fine, especially with a 2-boys and 2 girls setup where it is all too likely that one of the girls will be pressured into coupling-up with her best friend's boyfriend's best-friend and is basically inviting and coercing an abusive situation. This would be true even with an adult in the house.

The sleepover mum is bonkers.

I would reply to the Whatsapp saying something like "no offense meant but I had no idea that this was a mixed sex sleepover and certainly won't be sending (dd name) to any sleepover where there won't be adult supervision. (Dd name) won't be coming after all."

Definitely not without a parent. Mixed sleepover depends on kids relationships, if they're just a mixed friendship group with no romantic interest and you know them well that would be fine with me. However, the fact that your daughter didn't mention it was mixed makes it seem like she be interested in one if them.

Mother of 5 here and I would never have allowed this for any of my now nearly all adult children. You do meet some bonkers mothers along the way. One memorable one along the way had my 6 year old over to play for an afternoon. When I picked up she happily told me it was lovely for hers to have someone to play with so she’d had had a lovely sleep while the kids played in the river. FFS!

Mixed sex sleepovers even with mum present would be a big no from me.

and What if there’s a text to bring alcohol sent around? Truly not unheard of at 13 year old sleepovers.. for our family we have a blanket ban on them..

NO TO TWO GIRLS & TWO BOYS — EVER.
AND ABSOLUTELY NOT TO NO MUM.

I’d message her back: are you shitting me???

Time for a text.

Hi xxx,

Thanks so much for you message about the sleepover plans. It’s given me a chance to think things over and I’ve realised that I’m not comfortable with mixed sleepovers at all.

DD values your daughter as a friend, so this one is totally on me.

Hopefully the girls can catch us some other time.

Thanks again XXX

As someone who survived having four kids who were teens at the same time, I was always happy to play the role of ‘my mum is a bitch’ when needed.

Personally, I don’t think you are being a bitch, I think you’re being a normal parent and this other woman is absolutely crazy. 13 year olds shouldn’t be left home alone overnight, she’s just found a good excuse to hang out with her boyfriend for the night.

Going forward, even if she tells you she will be home and supervising, I wouldn’t believe her anyway. My child would never be sleeping over there, I’d invite the girl to our place instead though.

Explain to your child why this is never happening and let her tell her friend how terrible you are. I told mine, if they were ever at a party or out somewhere and in an uncomfortable situation, find a way to blame me for them having to leave. They used this a few times when they needed to.

Parenting teens can be difficult, but it’s even more difficult when some people refuse to parent at all, because they’re ‘cool’.

Edited to add:My suggested text keeps it nice and tries not to judge the other mother. It allows the girls to remain friends and makes it seem less or you’re the overprotective one, when in reality, you just want to ask her if she’s fucking nuts.

No way.
They are often sexually active at 13.