Page 6 | Sleepover - a bit shocked

Fitasafiddle1 · 18/06/2025 08:13

Platypusdiver · 18/06/2025 08:06

Are you sure you want to encourage this friendship? I am further down the track, and it’s exactly these ‘cool parents’ that ply their kids with alcohol and encourage them to be older than they are.

I am a bit concerned. I will be watching closely now.

Good idea.

And a chat with dd about being more transparent. You will need her to be more open going forward so you have the trust required for the next stage - which can be hair raising. I found a non judgemental, relaxed approach worked well even with the really serious stuff - stay super calm at all times and inquisitive. Parenting teens is a challenge at times, they need to be able to come to you with anything.

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:14

Beetletweetle · 18/06/2025 07:14

I didn't realise she did that with her 8 year old. It was moving day. We needed help so he wasn't squashed by moving wardrobes. As I say, she lives 5 doors down, a trusted colleague. Just quite laid back parent which I now know having lived near her.

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Somewhat of a seismic shift from your previous post about the woman @Beetletweetle

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:15

Beetletweetle · 18/06/2025 06:21

We knew her reasonably well via school. Eldest DD is a friend, she also works at my work and seems very capable there. But at home is just very 'chilled' which we hadn't realised. I dropped him off, got the vibe and was back as I say within 30 mins. Luckily we live 5 doors down.

And I wouldn't call the police 😅 but it's just not something I would do (to let my 8 yo wander for hours around the local neighbourhood on her own).

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It wasn’t just “at home”

', let's her 8 year old out wandering the neighbourhood on her own,

Needlesnah · 18/06/2025 08:16

whynotmereally · 18/06/2025 05:56

I’d say no to boys and no to no adult supervision!

This.

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:20

she had insisted on taking my 2 yo to 'give me a break'. She wanted him for 5 hours. After half an hour I felt uneasy about the whole thing, went back to her house to find that no one knew where my 2 year old was and she was in the shower. Luckily found him in the garden playing. But the gate was open to the main road. Never again!

Presumably you confronted her?
And anyone who “insists” on having my toddler when I have squat all idea what they’re like as a parent…. Nope, just nope

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:21

? Dh thinks so long as the friend's mother is there it would be okay.

”should be okay” and 13 year old girls and boys doesn’t sound like the most sensible approach

GlamOrc · 18/06/2025 08:27

Due to something that happened to DH's family member we've always happily hosted friends or let dc go round others houses during the day, but have told everyone from the start that we just don't 'do' sleepovers.

You just can't trust someone to have the same parenting or safeguarding standards as you, no matter how nice or normal they seem.

It's saved an awful number of headaches.

Also to be honest we've always quietly encouraged dc to fade off friendships with dc whose parents have very questionable standards. It's definitely worked out for the best in hindsight.

RawBloomers · 18/06/2025 08:27

I’ve done mixed sleep overs through out my kids’ childhoods (now 16) as they have lots of male friends. I have a boys room and a girls room so any one can get single sex space and a mixed room in the lounge which I have sight off. I basically stay up all night to supervise. A bit brutal but I really value the male friends I have kept through my life and want to help my daughters maintain their friendships on an equal footing.

One DD likes girls so we have added complications around romantic single sex sleep overs too. Having the supervised mixed lounge helps make things no big deal while keeping things age appropriate.

We do also talk about how friendships can change as they get older and ways recognize when to cool things down.

Ryeman · 18/06/2025 08:30

Is the mum 26 years old by any chance?

Carlou · 18/06/2025 08:30

Platypusdiver · 18/06/2025 05:50

Dd is going to a friend's for a sleepover. Friend is a girl and both are 13. I get a whatsupp message this morning from the friend's mother. Addressed to me and the parents of two boys, telling us that she (mother) will sleep at her boyfriends to give the kids more room!

First, I didn't know there would be boys, which i am not over the moon about. That is on dd for not telling me. However, I am shocked that a parent of a 13 year old girl thinks an unsupervised sleepover with boys is a good idea (13 as well). (Also, it's at her place, if anything were to happen, it would ultimately be her responsibility.)

Obviously, I am going to say "no adult supervision, no sleepover". But I am also uneasy about it being mixed. Would it be okay? Dh thinks so long as the friend's mother is there it would be okay.

nope. No go. Ain't no way my 13 yr old child going to sleep over with boys...mother there or not. What the heck does she (mother ) think the kids need "more room" for????? Really???? Protect your girl ... don't let her go. But you could organize one for her and a couple of her mates later...with parents present AND no boys!

Starlight7080 · 18/06/2025 08:39

Makes you wonder how often she has left her 13 year old home alone all night

Jewel52 · 18/06/2025 08:41

ItsNotMeEither · 18/06/2025 06:32

Time for a text.

Hi xxx,

Thanks so much for you message about the sleepover plans. It’s given me a chance to think things over and I’ve realised that I’m not comfortable with mixed sleepovers at all.

DD values your daughter as a friend, so this one is totally on me.

Hopefully the girls can catch us some other time.

Thanks again XXX

As someone who survived having four kids who were teens at the same time, I was always happy to play the role of ‘my mum is a bitch’ when needed.

Personally, I don’t think you are being a bitch, I think you’re being a normal parent and this other woman is absolutely crazy. 13 year olds shouldn’t be left home alone overnight, she’s just found a good excuse to hang out with her boyfriend for the night.

Going forward, even if she tells you she will be home and supervising, I wouldn’t believe her anyway. My child would never be sleeping over there, I’d invite the girl to our place instead though.

Explain to your child why this is never happening and let her tell her friend how terrible you are. I told mine, if they were ever at a party or out somewhere and in an uncomfortable situation, find a way to blame me for them having to leave. They used this a few times when they needed to.

Parenting teens can be difficult, but it’s even more difficult when some people refuse to parent at all, because they’re ‘cool’.

Edited to add:My suggested text keeps it nice and tries not to judge the other mother. It allows the girls to remain friends and makes it seem less or you’re the overprotective one, when in reality, you just want to ask her if she’s fucking nuts.

Edited

This is brilliant, perfect response to the bonkers mum and good advice in general.

Spinachpastapicker · 18/06/2025 08:41

CrocsNotDocs · 18/06/2025 06:54

Sounds like the type of cool parent who will leave them with a carton of alcopops because “they will get it anyway”.

I was just thinking that. Nope nope nope.

Neemie · 18/06/2025 08:43

Not a chance. I’m pretty easy going but no way. It is quite an easy one to turn down though as it isn’t borderline.

CautiousLurker01 · 18/06/2025 08:44

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 05:57

Bloody hell op

Concerning you need to ask

my child would never ever be going to this girl’s home again. Sure the child could come to mine but my daughter would never darken her doorway again before she was 16 and even then….

Edited

Think OP is worried she will be accused by the mother of being over-protective and small-minded, which you and I agree is not the case.

@Platypusdiver absolutely fine to say ‘no adult supervision, no sleepover’.

And I’d give your DD a little bit of a talking to about misrepresenting the fact boys would there too. She knew that was not okay, hence not telling you. For that alone, she’d not be doing any sleepovers elsewhere until she’d earned back my trust.

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:49

Think OP is worried she will be accused by the mother of being over-protective and small-minded

why would she care what someone like this thinks?!

Shenmen · 18/06/2025 08:51

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 06:09

Come again?

Firstly you don’t think that an 8 year old wondering around the neighbourhood alone might be a cause for calling the police?

Secondly, you thought “hey, perfect person to leave my 2 year old (2!!) with”? Despite presumably hardly knowing her

unfathomable

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The police would not give a tiny shit about an 8 year old alone!! You must live a very sheltered life.

faffadoodledo · 18/06/2025 08:51

RawBloomers · 18/06/2025 08:27

I’ve done mixed sleep overs through out my kids’ childhoods (now 16) as they have lots of male friends. I have a boys room and a girls room so any one can get single sex space and a mixed room in the lounge which I have sight off. I basically stay up all night to supervise. A bit brutal but I really value the male friends I have kept through my life and want to help my daughters maintain their friendships on an equal footing.

One DD likes girls so we have added complications around romantic single sex sleep overs too. Having the supervised mixed lounge helps make things no big deal while keeping things age appropriate.

We do also talk about how friendships can change as they get older and ways recognize when to cool things down.

Exactly. There is no problem per se of both sexes sleeping over. It's the lack of supervision. I wouldnt leave an all female or male group of 13 year olds unsupervised. Both my son and daughter had mixed sleepovers - for birthdays only - from around the age of 14 (can't remember pre wisely - long time ago!). We just made sure they slept separately. We were fortunate our house layout allowed this pretty easily.

Other parents did the same. We were not a bunch of cool parents either, but did value the fact that our children had friends of both sexes.

DBD1975 · 18/06/2025 08:52

ItsNotMeEither · 18/06/2025 06:32

Time for a text.

Hi xxx,

Thanks so much for you message about the sleepover plans. It’s given me a chance to think things over and I’ve realised that I’m not comfortable with mixed sleepovers at all.

DD values your daughter as a friend, so this one is totally on me.

Hopefully the girls can catch us some other time.

Thanks again XXX

As someone who survived having four kids who were teens at the same time, I was always happy to play the role of ‘my mum is a bitch’ when needed.

Personally, I don’t think you are being a bitch, I think you’re being a normal parent and this other woman is absolutely crazy. 13 year olds shouldn’t be left home alone overnight, she’s just found a good excuse to hang out with her boyfriend for the night.

Going forward, even if she tells you she will be home and supervising, I wouldn’t believe her anyway. My child would never be sleeping over there, I’d invite the girl to our place instead though.

Explain to your child why this is never happening and let her tell her friend how terrible you are. I told mine, if they were ever at a party or out somewhere and in an uncomfortable situation, find a way to blame me for them having to leave. They used this a few times when they needed to.

Parenting teens can be difficult, but it’s even more difficult when some people refuse to parent at all, because they’re ‘cool’.

Edited to add:My suggested text keeps it nice and tries not to judge the other mother. It allows the girls to remain friends and makes it seem less or you’re the overprotective one, when in reality, you just want to ask her if she’s fucking nuts.

Edited

This totally, excellent advice and excellent parenting skills 👏.

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:52

Shenmen · 18/06/2025 08:51

The police would not give a tiny shit about an 8 year old alone!! You must live a very sheltered life.

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Yes I do
and bloody happy with it
pity for you not because it’s bloody loving living a “sheltered life”

faffadoodledo · 18/06/2025 08:52

Actually from younger than 14. Brain hazy and lost in the mists of time!

We have some lovely photos of them all mucking around and socialising around camp fires in the garden and gurning at the camera. Those were the days...

Shenmen · 18/06/2025 08:55

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 08:52

Yes I do
and bloody happy with it
pity for you not because it’s bloody loving living a “sheltered life”

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Well don't go around judging people who live in normal places. Expecting her to call the police is ridiculous.

Christwosheds · 18/06/2025 08:57

Spies · 18/06/2025 05:55

Anyone who thought it was ok to leave 4 13 year olds, regardless of whether they were male or female, alone overnight is not someone I would want supervising a sleepover.

This !
My dd at 12 went for a sleepover, a friend she had stayed with before, parents seemed sensible. Except that the next morning I discovered that the two girls had not slept in the house, but alone in a wooden garden cabin. No lock on the door, no fire alarm. They lived rurally with no other nearby houses and the chance of some opportunistic burglar creeping around their garden in the night was small, but still possible.

mondaytosunday · 18/06/2025 08:59

I wouldn’t let 13 year olds alone overnight even if all were boys or girls. That’s nuts.

Dodgejam · 18/06/2025 09:03

Shenmen · 18/06/2025 08:55

Well don't go around judging people who live in normal places. Expecting her to call the police is ridiculous.

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Yep, I’ll judge someone who seems very about an 8 year old wandering the neighbourhood alone but…. Yeah, I won’t actually do anything about it

Sleepover - a bit shocked

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