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Original poster

I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

363 replies

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:16

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

OP posts:
IWillJustSayThis · 15/06/2025 20:18

Your DH sounds like an idiot on this issue. I wouldn't go out to dinner.

BuckaDuck · 15/06/2025 20:18

I agree with you.
There is no way I would do that to my friend and no way DP would ever ask me to.
Sadly I do not think your DH has any respect for your friend at all.

Stick to your guns.

BuckaDuck · 15/06/2025 20:19

Or respect for you.

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Relationship problems
IWillJustSayThis · 15/06/2025 20:22

Your DH does not get to tell you that you have to get over it and meet up! Is he always such a dick or is this behaviour new?

Original poster
DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:22

BuckaDuck · 15/06/2025 20:19

Or respect for you.

Well that's kind of how I feel. My friend has been through hell. She has sat, with both DH and I breaking her heart and has been in such a low place. I just wouldn't do this to her.

OP posts:
Mobylome · 15/06/2025 20:23

100% YANBU.
Ask him why what he wants is more important than what you want.
Why his friendship/loyalty towards his friend trumps yours.

Original poster
DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:23

IWillJustSayThis · 15/06/2025 20:22

Your DH does not get to tell you that you have to get over it and meet up! Is he always such a dick or is this behaviour new?

Not at all. We've had a pretty happy marriage to be honest. Some ups and downs with normal life stuff but I would say we were settled and happy.

That's what I meant when I said it was like talking to a stranger, this really isn't like him.

OP posts:
Rowthatboat · 15/06/2025 20:24

he 'expects' me to do this
With that attitude there is absolutely nothing I would do for him, let alone this completely offensive suggestion. No chance!

Mrsttcno1 · 15/06/2025 20:26

Definitely not unreasonable of you, I would be exactly the same.

IWillJustSayThis · 15/06/2025 20:27

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:23

Not at all. We've had a pretty happy marriage to be honest. Some ups and downs with normal life stuff but I would say we were settled and happy.

That's what I meant when I said it was like talking to a stranger, this really isn't like him.

Show quote history

It's very odd then and I imagine upsetting that he is so scorched earth about this.

Original poster
DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:28

Rowthatboat · 15/06/2025 20:24

he 'expects' me to do this
With that attitude there is absolutely nothing I would do for him, let alone this completely offensive suggestion. No chance!

Well this is what has pissed me off massively tonight.

OP posts:
Bas27 · 15/06/2025 20:30

Agree with all PP. I’d be livid, YANBU, and your friend is lucky to have you in her corner 🖤
n
Of it were me, I’d be trying to get to the bottom of what the actual issue is with DH. Why is he behaving this way if out of character?

Notquitegrownup2 · 15/06/2025 20:33

I think his irrational answer is because his friend has put him under pressure to go out as a foursome, to make his new woman feel welcome. His friend wants to play happy families and your dh feels trapped because he didnt think and agreed without checking with you. He's now doubling down because he can't think how to explain it to his mate, without offending him . . .

CagneyNYPD1 · 15/06/2025 20:33

Stand your ground. This now isn’t about your friend and his friend. This is about him not respecting your views and choices.

He can want you to go along but he has no right to expect and then be angry at your choices.

OpenWindow60 · 15/06/2025 20:33

Your friend will rightly be devastated if you simply move on to her husband's new piece.

Validating their relationship and easing her transition to your friendship group.

I'm with you OP. No way would I do this.

CagneyNYPD1 · 15/06/2025 20:34

@Notquitegrownup2has probably hit the nail on the head.

Smokesandeats · 15/06/2025 20:35

It sounds like he’s already told his friend and girlfriend that you’ll be there before discussing it with you. Tell him you expect him to respect your wish not to meet up with the cheating pair of scumbags.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/06/2025 20:36

I agree with you. He has every right to maintain the friendship with his best friend. But he needs to accept that his friend's choices have changed things, including destroying the friendship with you.

Mumofteenandtween · 15/06/2025 20:37

Well you could always point out to your husband that you do have some thoughts about them both that you would be happy to share with them. And that maybe could he arrange it for when you have had a bad week and would like to get all your frustration and aggression out on a suitable punching bag. The two of them would be perfect…..

ohyesido · 15/06/2025 20:37

Hell no! I remember once coming across my ex his new GF and a couple we used to regularly socialise with, very painful at the time

PinkyBear · 15/06/2025 20:40

Notquitegrownup2 · 15/06/2025 20:33

I think his irrational answer is because his friend has put him under pressure to go out as a foursome, to make his new woman feel welcome. His friend wants to play happy families and your dh feels trapped because he didnt think and agreed without checking with you. He's now doubling down because he can't think how to explain it to his mate, without offending him . . .

It’ll be this.
💯
But your H is stupid for agreeing to placate his friend, and not thinking how you might feel about the situation.

ClawsandEffect · 15/06/2025 20:42

I had exactly this situation with an ex and his friend. His friend had royally screwed over his lovely partner. The new woman (and the friend) were very keen to be integrated into the friends friendship circle, which included my ex.

Except the female partners of the friendship circle were having none of it.

Eventually, the friend and the new woman got married and everyone was invited. And while my ex and a couple of other male friends went to the wedding, none of the female partners went. My ex was a bit miffed that he had to go alone. But whatever.

Disdo · 15/06/2025 20:43

So your husbands friend wants you to go on a double date with his mistress/replacement so he can convince himself that his past behaviour towards his wife and children was totally acceptable, tell them both to trot on. If your husband wants to go then it’s his choice but he should NOT be making that choice for you, does he really think it’s going to be a great night out, he needs to reconnect to the real world again and stop living in la la land.

cryptide · 15/06/2025 20:44

Tell him that you expect him to behave like a grown-up and to respect your perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to do this. Given that he can't drag you there against your will, there is literally no point in him proclaiming that he expects you to go.

Ellie56 · 15/06/2025 20:47

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this.

I would tell him he can expect all he likes . It's not going to happen. Is he usually such a twat?

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