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Original poster

I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

363 replies

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:16

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 15/06/2025 22:35

Given he kept seeing the male friend even before this to says a lot about your DHs morals.

To me it sounds as though he doesn’t think that what the male friend did is “not that bad”.

I also agree with a PP that if I was fixated to as to what I “must” do by a DP or. DH I would tell them to get to fuck, regardless of what it was.

KurtShirty · 15/06/2025 22:36

What will he do if you just tell him it’s not happening?

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/06/2025 22:38

What's worrying is he's basically saying that his friend didn't do anything wrong - and neither did the OW. Well, that's pretty blunt, isn't it?

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Relationship problems
XelaM · 15/06/2025 22:38

Nooo don't go!

This happened to a friend of mine recently (husband of 20 years suddenly left her for someone younger he's been cheating with and left her with 2 kids and no money). I don't get involved in that I will still be nice and civil when I see the (soon to be ex-)husband but there is absolutely no way I would betray my friend by hanging out with his new girlfriend.

Edenmum2 · 15/06/2025 22:42

But why does his loyalty to his friend trump your loyalty to yours?

Because he has a higher sense of self importance? An understanding husband would just go to dinner with them without you.

is he perhaps copping some stick from his friend that you won’t do as he say? Is he egotistical in general?

i, like everyone else, wouldn’t have this for a second.

RockyRogue1001 · 15/06/2025 22:42

You're a good friend @DancingDucks

Maybe suggest to your DH that you won't be able to hold your tongue, and does he REALLY want an evening with that potential awkwardness?

CantStopMoving · 15/06/2025 22:44

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Bit confused as to why you not going is disloyal to your husband. It’s his mate, nothing to do with you.

If he feels that way you can rightfully argue that his is being disloyal to you by going along himself as his loyalty should be to your friend.

throwawaynametoday · 15/06/2025 22:48

Another one saying you are 100% in the right on this one.

You've not interfered in his right to continue his friendship with the DH, which was/is the right thing for you to to, no matter how much it sticks in your throat.

He has absolutely no right to demand that you must also continue your joint friendship with the DH as part of a new couple. Fuck that.

ZImono · 15/06/2025 22:49

Agree with others here who say he doesnt respect your views or position.

i think it also says a lot about his views on cheating and infidelity ...

GoodOldTrayBake · 15/06/2025 22:52

Your husband is a cunt. And I’d be worried he thinks it is totally ok for a man to move on so easily after leaving his family

AyeDeadOn · 15/06/2025 22:57

I'd put it to your husband that if you shagged another man in his bed, he wouldn't be best pleased if his friend and wife joined you and your hypothetical shag for a cosy meal out.

I don't say this often, but you are 100% in the right.

Agapornis · 15/06/2025 22:59

Since when does your loyalty to him need to extend to loyalty to his friends?

What about his loyalty to you, and to your friends?

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 15/06/2025 23:00

Tell him you also expect his loyalty on this so yo will have to agree to disagree.

Inyournewdress · 15/06/2025 23:01

Your DH is crazy thinking you can do this! You are absolutely right. You cannot draw a line under all this and move on as if nothing happened. Your DH and his friend will remain close, thats understandable and fine. But his friend is the one who took away the option of the cosy foursome dinners when he did what he did. It’s completely on him. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

Blackdow · 15/06/2025 23:01

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Your loyalty should be to your husband, and his loyalty should be to you. He is right… but it has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. He is asking you to be loyal to his mate, the cheater who broke your friend’s heart and walked out on his marriage and children.
Your husband doesn’t need support in anything right now, you’re not refusing to stand by him and help him and support him in something that has happened in his life.
You are refusing to stand by and support his friend and go to dinner with the other woman.
If he thinks that is equal to being disloyal to him, then it shows that he believes what his mate did was fine, that he’d expect loyalty from you if he did the same.

I’m glad you’ve told him you’re not doing it. I hope you stick to that.

Fitasafiddle1 · 15/06/2025 23:03

How on earth can he demand loyalty from you given what his friend has done?! Where was his loyalty to his wife?

Loyalty in this context is shorthand for compliance.

Your dh is trying to ruin your friendship, and replace her with the other woman. It’s obvious, I would have no part of this.

Your dh’s friend has a worrying amount of influence both over your dh and your own marriage op. Does your dh owe him? Or does he have something on your dh? Your dh is allowing this man way too much access.

My respect would have plummeted for dh if this had happened to us.

Show him the thread maybe?

MrsRedTop · 15/06/2025 23:04

Good for you OP. 👏🏻 it’d be different if the guy had left his wife and later met this woman, but she has had an active role in breaking your friend’s heart and throwing her family life (and their children’s lives) into turmoil. There should be consequences to their actions. Your husband is prioritising himself which is very selfish and unfair of him.

Inyournewdress · 15/06/2025 23:05

It’s actually disgusting that the ex husband would even suggest this. Shameless! Hasn’t he taken enough and done enough? He can’t even respect and allow his wife her close friends. God, he sounds like a piece of work. Was he always selfish and nasty?

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 15/06/2025 23:08

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Loyalty to your DH doesn’t come into it, the only loyalty required is to your friend and that’s who is important in this scenario.

I would sit him down and calmly tell him that you have no intention of going along with this charade, that that is your final word on the subject and he needs to respect that. If the shoe was on the other foot he would be supporting his friend no doubt. You are obviously a very good friend.

Notonthestairs · 15/06/2025 23:08

This isn’t about disloyalty. It’s about disobedience. He’s making choices and expecting you to fall in line behind him.

There is no reason why he can’t socialise with his friend without your involvement. Sure, he can prefer to have you there but he can’t insist.

Endofyear · 15/06/2025 23:08

I'd be telling him to stick it up his arse and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is! In 35 years of marriage, my DH has not once told me he 'expects' me to do anything, nor have I told him.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 15/06/2025 23:09

Yanbu. You absolutely should not go and have dinner with the other woman out of loyalty to your friend, and your husband needs to realise that’s a firm boundary for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2025 23:09

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Well that cuts both ways - his loyalty should be to you and not his friend. And if he can't see that, he is indeed a stranger to you.

I'd be pointing out the old maxim - "a man is known by the company he keeps". And he is keeping company with a man who has shown the utmost disloyalty to his wife. Another maxim is "birds of a feather flock together" - so what does that say about his attitude to loyalty to you?

He's angry? He has no right to be. What he should feel is a good old-fashioned dose of shame.

InjuryMyArse · 15/06/2025 23:11

Well, it's pretty unanimous.

I actually think people are giving your DH an easy time. I'd be really disappointed if my DH didn't have a completely different attitude to his friend in those circumstances.

ThankULord · 15/06/2025 23:12

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

But this applies to him too, surely?
What about his loyalty to you ????