I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

They do blow up world's, and very few people care. I had a parent at school say to me that she didn't want to be involved. What she really meant was that she wanted her 2 kids to continue to be invited to parties regardless whether I or ex-h was hosting, that she never reciprocated. I don't see her any more and I ofren wonder how she's getting on not being married. It was the only thing that saved me financially in my divorce as ex wanted everything. So good friends who know the relationships and support are very valuable.

How would he feel if it was the other way around. Would he go for dinner with your friend’s new bf and tell his mate to suck it up? I doubt it very much.

Reverse the situation; imagine it was his best friend who was the injured party and it was his wife, your friend, who had cheated. Then you decided that the two of you would go out with the wife and her new man. Would he do this to his best mate? Doubtful.

Tell him what you EXPECT. That he respects your decision. That you do not wish to socialise with this woman and you might be tempted to give his friend a piece of your mind so it's safest all round that you don't go.

You are a good friend. Your h is asking you to override your own values which is an outrageous ask of another adult.

If your friend had been the one to cheat and leave her DH for a new man, would your husband be ready to go out for dinner with the new man and invite him into the friendship group?! I highly doubt it.

You’re absolutely right to stick to your guns OP. Hell would freeze over before I’d be at that dinner.

His chat about loyalty is a load of shit. Tell him he should be giving his friend a lesson on loyalty 🙄

Who made him your fucking lord and master? He can expect all he wants. He doesn't get to demand you go.

You're a fab and loyal friend, OP. Good on you.

Exactly this.

However my extremely pissed off streak would suggest to your DH that he take his BF's dumped wife as his plus one instead of you.

You're right. He can't actually make you go so it's tough on him really. He can go on his own.

Demanding blind loyalty is unreasonable.

Why does 'loyalty' to your DH mean going out with someone you don't want to? I could understand if it was his MIL perhaps but loyalty to DH doesn't mean loyalty to anyone he decides... does he think that it does?

I would be telling him he can 'expect' whatever he likes but he's going to be disappointed! If he raises it again he would get 'nope, not happening' and absolutely no further discussion. Ultimately he can't make you go and eventually he will just have to accept that.

I had confided in a good friend about all the awful things my then H had done (serial adultery, barely seeing the children), so I was very hurt when I found out that she and her partner had him to stay over. I ended the friendship over it.
I think that if you were to socialise with them as a foursome, you would lose your friend for ever.

@DancingDucks your DH is being a real dickhead over this.
He doesn't get to issue these sorts of ultimatum over your friendships, particularly when it is his friend who caused this mess.

Although this situation is not great, it's not unique. For the time being your DH still sees his friend and you see you yours. That's the new normal.
Could you show him this thread?

I think it’s really weird that an otherwise decent bloke could be this dense. And why is it so hugely important to him? Does he genuinely want you to go or is he just annoyed that you aren’t doing as he demands?

The loyalty stuff is fucking bonkers. Why is this even a loyalty issue? He can go, you don’t want to. It’s a difference in morals and opinions nothing to do with loyalty. I think he’s behaving very oddly and I’d want to get to the bottom of why this incredibly unreasonable request is so bloody important that he’s allowing it to cause issues in your marriage.

I think at best you could “expected” to be civil if you bumped into them in the street or something.

But arranging a “double date”? it was a hard no from me before I read the post about them shagging in your friend’s bed with the children at home. Now it is an absolutely fuck no not under any circumstances.

Echoing many here but absolutely not

Loyalty to him doesn't override being true to your own values though, I think he needs reminding that you're a person in your own right, not just an extension of him.

Hmm…it sounds like his friends disrespectful behaviour is rubbing off on him.

He’s being massively Unreasonable and selfish too. YANBU at all. I’d be the same.

Massive respect to you.

Exactly that would be piling betrayal upon betrayal.
Op friend has enough to contend with.

Ugh he’s very manipulative. You are not in any way being disloyal.

Imagine if you turned it around and said “out of loyalty to me I want you to end your friendship with him”.

Well done on sticking to your guns.

I'd tell him I will go, but only if I can tell them exactly what I think about them.

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order

You've shown him loyalty during those awful times. I would tell him that. This isn't about him, this is about picking his friend as priority over your friend. Point out that the equivalent is you saying he can't see his friend anymore, and then making that out to be about loyalty to you. You haven't done that. So he can back off.

Not a bleeding chance would I have anything to do with either of them and tell your husband if he wants to go he can go alone.

Point out your respect for him has taken a dive seeing as he now condones cheating it seems.