I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

This makes so much sense to me. I feel like DH is now condoning what his friend has done, which makes me feel like he could do it to me. That might sound like a stretch but I've always felt we were on the same page about something like this and he made all the right noises when it all came out last year. Now he's all for cosying up with this new woman and expects me to do the same.

Stand your ground OP, you can't compromise your principles. And you ARE right to feel this way. He's showing you who he has become, so believe him. Once words are spoken, they're out there. They can't be unsaid.

@HopingForTheBest25 Sometimes a seemingly random thing happens and it makes us see another person in a whole new light. Then we start to look back and things they said or did, that we minimised or made excuses for, become glaringly apparent.

This is so true! I experienced it recently, not with a man/DH/DP but a friend of many years. A seemingly minor incident that I'd usually not give much thought too but played on my mind for a couple of days when the sudden realisation dawned, my friend had deliberately made me feel pretty humiliated. It was then like scales falling from my eyes and realising the last few years had actually been full of bad behaviours that I'd let pass or minimised. It was such a strange feeling of realisation, joining dots up and realising she really wasn't the friend I had seen her as. Our brains are funny things sometimes.

OP - hope this isn't true for you and your DH comes to his senses pdq.

Have you tried putting it to your husband how it would feel the other way round - if your friend had left his mate in bits because she'd gone off with a younger man, and you were now expecting him to have a cosy dinner with your mate and her new bloke? I suspect he would claim to be cool about it, but would he really be if he knew that his friend would feel that it was like a great big slap in the face for him?

@DancingDucks

TBH at this point I don't think it's about 'supporting his friend' or 'getting over it' or whatever bullshit he's spouting. I'm sure he's already told his mate that the four of you will all be best buddies and OW will slide right in to your friend's place.

It's about the fact that he's now having to tell his friend that you refuse to associate with OW. So it's actually now about him not wanting to 'lose face' with his friend because you won't do what he's telling you to do. And again, it's not because he thinks it's the 'right thing to do', it is about his male ego.

This. Spot on.

Sometimes seeing your dh in a new light is the opportunity for you to find a new life for yourself.
In 4 years my exh was quite controlling but never violent. When he shut a door on my arm I saw the real him.
And divorced him.
The black cloud I had lived under lifted.

It's shocking that he sees you as an extension of himself rather than a person with agency in their own right.

The doubling down would give me the ick and I would be putting a time limit on my expectation of an apology and an actual understanding of my support for a friend like yours. At the end, I'd be out the door.

You’re a great friend OP and you obviously have solid values and morals. This man and woman were not only shagging each other behind your friend’s back but also in her bed, when her children were sleeping. As affairs go, that is pretty low.

I wouldn’t be able to be in their company either and would never accept this woman. It’s one thing to have an affair with a married man, it’s another to go into a woman’s home and fuck her husband in her bed while her children lie sleeping in the next room… they are both vile human beings.

Your husbands behaviour is also vile. How does he think you will just accept this betrayal of your friend of 30years? Maybe he is hoping this will cause issues in your marriage and he can swan off with a younger woman too? Maybe he is embarrassed that his wife won’t just ‘do as she’s told’? Who knows…

Have you had a proper conversation since outlining your stance? ‘I will never socialise with this woman. I will never welcome her into my home. I will never celebrate their relationship in anyway, including attending a wedding if it happens. I want nothing more to do with them. If you want to socialise with them, fine. But you will do it without me present and outside of our home. That is last thing I have to say on it and the end of the discussion.’

@DancingDucks Don't be shocked if your "DH" decides to bring them over for a visit without warning you. That happened to a friend of mine (she left when they showed up, but they had no small children). Your DH might think if he forces the issue, you will capitulate.

If he does do that, are you prepared to ask them to leave?

I don’t know if OP should have to be confronting the guests who are only there because her husband is inviting them and may not even know Op doesn’t want them there.

As vile as I think the couple sounds I don’t think that’s fair on either OP or the couple if Op has to ask them to leave.

She should speak to her husband about her feelings if she objects to having them in her home, and then immediately remove herself. Go for a walk or coffee or whatever. She certainly doesn’t have to play host but I think asking invited guests to leave is a step too far.

How are things @DancingDucks ? Hope you’re ok x