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Original poster

I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

363 replies

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:16

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

OP posts:
BethanyMac85 · 15/06/2025 20:48

I'm on a different side to same coin...me and dh and our best mates were a 4some for over 20 years
She left her dh for another man so my best friend left my dh best friend for another man.

I've actually really struggled to try and do any sort of couple things with the new parter and my "bf" and i say "bf" because we've definitely pulled apart as im not gushing over including her new man.

So I completely see where your coming from and if I was trying to engage my friend and her new man into a new four then id completely get if it dh would be annoyed

Pipsquiggle · 15/06/2025 21:09

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/06/2025 20:36

I agree with you. He has every right to maintain the friendship with his best friend. But he needs to accept that his friend's choices have changed things, including destroying the friendship with you.

Completely agree with @ManchesterGirl2

His choices have wider ramifications than just his marriage.
Isn't it a well known saying that when you get divorced you also lose 50% of your friends as well

Middlemarch123 · 15/06/2025 21:14

I had similar OP, my ex of over twenty years left me, well I threw him out, because he was having an affair. One of my friends was married to ex’s friend for nearly as long as us. She wasn’t a particularly close friend, but we’d been to each other’s homes for dinners, bbqs, parties etc. I didn’t expect our mutual friends to take sides, but I was hurt when I saw photos on SM of the four of them out at a restaurant we used to go together. I wouldn’t have done that to her if it had been the other way around.

So stick to your guns here. My friend was very sheepish with me after, and I gradually faded her out.

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Relationship problems
Goldfish93 · 15/06/2025 21:17

Notquitegrownup2 · 15/06/2025 20:33

I think his irrational answer is because his friend has put him under pressure to go out as a foursome, to make his new woman feel welcome. His friend wants to play happy families and your dh feels trapped because he didnt think and agreed without checking with you. He's now doubling down because he can't think how to explain it to his mate, without offending him . . .

This! Hes agreed without thinking and now he's putting the pressure on you rather than having to explain to his mate that there are people out there who don't think that highly of him anymore!

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 15/06/2025 21:17

Tell him he can go alone.
He isn't your keeper.
He decides where his loyalty is or fucks off.. For good.

Original poster
DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:23

I've not seen her DH since he left. I don't want any drama but I just don't want to see him, or her.

I love my friend and I will stand by her 100%. DH is asking me to choose between being her friend and doing what he 'expects' me to do. He can piss right off with that chat.

OP posts:
Goodlorditssummer · 15/06/2025 21:24

He can “expect” all he wants. In the same way that you “expect” him not to be such an arrogant arsehole. Seems neither of you are getting what you want but hell would freeze over before I had dinner with the OW in this situation. I would never do that to a friend and my DH wouldn’t ever expect me to.

PullTheBricksDown · 15/06/2025 21:24

Channel Rachel's energy here. I actually think she handles this really well. Your husband's 'expectation' is completely wrong

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Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 15/06/2025 21:28

You're obviously your own person and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
Your loyalty to your friend is commendable
As pp said your Dh can expect all he wants..not happening matey.

MammaRoly · 15/06/2025 21:30

I had a very similar situation with DH and my oldest friends who were married and then split up. I made it very clear to DH that I wasn't happy to go out as a foursome and I didn't appreciate the Christmas presents for my kids signed by DH friend and his OW within 6 months of him splitting with my friend. It was at least 2 years before we all met up and DH supported me in this.

tara66 · 15/06/2025 21:31

Neither your DH nor his friend can ''read the room'' - both completely socially inept at very least.

Tiswa · 15/06/2025 21:36

I would make it very clear that you are on her side and whilst you have no expectations that even though he was the one who left and went off with another woman your DH would stop seeing him because you respect their friendship, you will not condone it by going for a dinner with them.
if you can respect his choice to stick by his best friend he needs to respect yours.
and the next time he expects you to do something he can expect divorce papers

you aren’t saying never but the timescale will be when you are ready and not him

AuntMarch · 15/06/2025 21:39

I wouldn't let him bully me into this either.
"You expected me to go, but I expected you to be able to see why I wouldn't want to do that. It isn't going to happen." 🤷‍♀️

You aren't making a fuss about him seeing his friend, rightly so, but he's an idiot to even think you'd be ok with playing best buddies with your best friends ex and his girlfriend. And there's absolutely no good reason why you should need to.

Zanatdy · 15/06/2025 21:43

Absolutely no way i’d even consider it.

londongirl12 · 15/06/2025 21:46

Good for you, I wouldn’t go either. He can if he wants, but I’d stay at home.

IsThisLifeNow · 15/06/2025 21:48

You sound like a good friend, stick to your guns, I'd be devastated in your friends position if you did that.

PinkPonyClutz · 15/06/2025 21:48

‘I respect your decision to stand by your friend, you need to respect my decision to do the same. I will not be socialising with him and OW, but in time I might be prepared to review this, but that time is not now’

Original poster
DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 15/06/2025 21:53

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this.

And what about your expectation to not be bullied by him and his morally bankrupt friends?

Uberella · 15/06/2025 21:53

I don’t think I’d want to continue a friendship with a friend with the morals of an alley cat much less also want to strike up a friendship with the woman who’s moral compass is as as his is too.

It makes laugh that these men blow up their wives and kids lives then expect everyone to act as though all is fine.

YesHonestly · 15/06/2025 21:55

I would be FUMING at him saying he “expects” you to do this. Who the hell does he think he is?

You are absolutely right not to go, what a lovely friend you are.

If he continues being a dick, I’d show him the unanimous responses you’ve received on this thread.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/06/2025 21:57

Tell your dh if he’s so keen on loyalty he should discuss the concept with his mate, as his understanding is clearly lacking.

TheSlantedOwl · 15/06/2025 21:58

You are a person with morals and ethics. Tell him you wouldn’t steal money out of a pensioners purse either, even if he expected you to. That some things are core to who you are and cannot be betrayed.

TheSlantedOwl · 15/06/2025 21:59

And it’s a total joke he’s got the nerve to talk about loyalty.

Scooby2024 · 15/06/2025 22:01

The 'expects me' and that you should have 'loyalty to him' makes him a dick tbh. I 💯 stand with you and would not see your DH friend again.

he's likely told him you are all cool with it and now has to go back and retract that statement.

hes out of order putting you in this situation. You sound like a brilliant loyal friend and your friend is lucky to have you in her corner.