I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

[DancingDucks]

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

I’d be concerned he had similar morals and it would definitely have me questioning whether he’s been guilty of this in the past and that’s why he feels he has no choice but to back his friend up (cos his friend did the same thing).

You could also say he should be loyal to you and your friendship and how you feel.

Ive recently been in the reverse situation where one of my best friends cheated and ended her marriage. Her exh and my dh got on really well and we did a lot with them as a 4. But then we lived apart and Covid etc. I was recently going to meet up with her and this new guy, they were visiting. My husband didn’t feel comfortable with it, was fine for me to go but he said he would just feel awkward. I didn’t end up going, I am really hurt by what my friend did but I wanted to put it behind us. I was initially upset with my dh as I missed friend, but after a little time I understood completely where he was coming from. I think it would be horrible for you to go on your friend, you’ve definitely done the right thing.

NO NO NO WAY can you do this OP you are totally right and if I was your friend and you did this I would disown you on the spot. Stick to your guns.

Your DH is being an absolute arsehole and I'm astonished he can't see how reasonable you've been throughout all this and understanding that he would still want to see his best friend. How would your DH have felt if, after your friends' marriage breakdown, you'd told him you "expected" him to stop seeing his best friend out of loyalty to you? This is the equivalent of what he's demanding of you and if I were you, I would ask him this question because it lays out how illogical his "loyalty" theory is. His expectation is totally unreasonable and in your shoes I would resolutely refuse to ever meet his best friend again, much less the OW.

If it carries on with your husband insisting, I would agree to go to the dinner (with friend knowing about it and blessing) and enjoy winding up your DH’s friend and the OW

Not mature I know but would love nothing more than making it awkward for them, letting them know exactly what I thought of both of them and what they both did and saying this will be the one and only time I will be in their company

I have no issues calling cheaters what they are if pushed to do so

Wow. If my OH spoke to me like this I would literally never so much as be in the same building as the woman until they day I died. Purely to make the point that he is not the boss of me and never will be.

I’m just rewatching mad men and all the appalling misogyny and infantilising behaviour displayed towards women. Your DH will be telling you to get back in the kitchen next.

Exactly this. 👆

You are not being disloyal to him by refusing to spend time with the cheating piece of shit. You are not being disloyal to your friend.

You owe no loyalty at all the the cheating cunt and his bit on the side.

I see no conflict of loyalties here on your part. Plenty on his though.

Ugh I had similar. Close friend with a tiny baby - her partner turned out to have been having an affair all through her pregnancy. Apparently he 'had to' as she wasn't offering him enough sex while pregnant. Then he dumped her for the affair partner (who was two decades younger - 18 - for extra grimness) two weeks after the baby was born - presumably lots of sex with a teenager was more appealing than a newborn and his partner of around 15 years.

He'd invite me and others of our friends out regularly to socialise with him and his teenage gf while his long term (ex) partner looked after their baby.

Yeah, no.

Be strong OP, your friend would be devastated if she found out and she's the wronged party!

He thinks he is your boss.

His friendship is more important than your friendship.

His opinion about how you should spend your time is more important than your opinion about how you should spend your time.

If you & he disagree, the default should be that his view takes precedent.

He’s being a total knob. If my DH told me he “expects” me to betray my good friend and do things to please him at my own expense, not only would I tell him to do one but I would expect a grovelling apology before we could even start to talk about anything else.

I would ask him outright “Do you think you have a right to decide who I spend time with? Do you think you have a right to ruin my friendship to prop up yours? Do you think you have a right to pressure me to do things I don’t want to do? Do you think you can control who I socialise with? Do you consider your needs more important than mine?” Make him defend himself.

He can 'expect' all he wants. He's not the boss of you. You get to make your own decisions over friendships, and you find his friend morally repugnant for his behaviour (as you should) and you will not be joining them as you're friends with his hard done by wife. End of.

Absolutely this ^
I also would expect my DH to change his views about this friend significantly and distance himself at least a bit.
Does this friend have some sort of influence over your DH? Or does your DH need this friend somehow e.g for work ? Im just wondering because if it’s nothing like this, “birds of a feather flocks together” does come to mind as @WhereYouLeftIt suggested

You are absolutely right op, I would be having nothing to do with the OW.
i think your DH’s friend, who obviously can’t see he’s done anything wrong, wants your DH to show the OW that all is ok with what they’ve done and is probably guilt tripping him in to attending and now he feels under pressure to keep his friend happy. I’d imagine he thinks he’s easier to argue with you than the dick of a friend.
Stand your ground op, if he goes so be it but he’ll be the one making your excuses, whatever excuse your husband gives the friend and ow they will see through it, but that’s the 3 of them issue

He has not thought this through properly.

You should point out that your friend would be absolutely devastated, and you would lose your best friend over a stupid dinner.
You are not willing to lose such a precious friendship and that is that.
He needs to see it from HER perspective.

You’re a great friend❤

You know you’re not being unreasonable.

Please don’t let your husband gaslight you into thinking you should be okay with this.

I would argue that he should be loyal to you, especially as your friend is the wronged party and by wanting you both to see them as a couple you would be 'laundering' them and making them more socially acceptable.

He is speaking to you as if you are a chattel. Tell him it's not 1833.

Your DH should be distancing himself, at least for a decent amount of time, not creating a confrontational situation with this mans disloyalty at the heart of it all.

His mate and your DH are rubbing your nose in it. I don't blame you for not allowing that.

Your DH is sending the signal that wives are replaceable and interchangeable.

Yanbu at all. Befriending this man's new girlfriend or interacting with her in any way that can reasonably be avoided would be a betrayal of your friend. You are being hugely magnanimous to tolerate that your DH wants to maintain his friendship with the cad. But the desire to do so does show evidence of an unfortunate misogyny streak that I would find disappointing. Your DH can respect your loyalty to your friend and and accept that you will have nothing to do with this chum, or if he has so little respect for you that this is a problem then maybe best to call it quits and let him fuck off and find a nice compliant girlfriend of his own while you maintain some sensible boundaries and sort yourself out with an appropriately talented divorce lawyer.

Your husband 100% knew about the affair.

I agree with you op. Your DH is an idiot on this (imo).

I've been the woman left for someone else and have cut friends off for far less than what your H is asking of you.

I'd give him 2 options:

Option 1 - you don't go and he shuts up
Option 2 - you go as he 'expects' but you'll be telling both of them exactly what you think of them with zero filter.

His choice.

You know you are right @PeapodMcgee

Something for you both to ponder - From the outside, it sounds like you're both more invested in another couples relationship than in your own.

I wouldn't go and I would think less of him for asking, let alone insisting! Does he condone his friend's behaviour?