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Original poster

I actually think this may be a deal breaker for me.

363 replies

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 20:16

My closest friend of 30 years split up with her DH about a year ago. Her DH is my husband's best friend, also if around 30 years. He left my friend and their children for another woman and she was left heartbroken. I've supported my friend through this, DH is also fond of her, well I thought he was, and although he says he doesn't agree with what he did, still sees her DH.

I don't really have an issue with that, they've been through a lot together and are very close. Here is my issue. DH wants to go out for dinner with him and his new girlfriend as a four. I have said absolutely not. I feel like he just wants to replace my friend with this new woman and it would break my friends heart if I suddenly buddied up with her, plus, I really don't want to.

I accept he wants to see his friend, but I absolutely will not sit and pretend that it's lovely and cosy with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep. I have no interest in seeing either of them.

DH says that I need to 'get over it' and he 'expects' me to do this. I absolutely will not. We've been together 25 years and married for 22, mostly all good but I can't believe he won't respect how I feel about this, or that he would put me in this position. He's so angry that I won't and I'm so angry that he expects me to. It feels like I'm talking to someone I don't know.

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 16/06/2025 00:06

That would be such a shit move if you did go. It would cause your friend further heartache and you would definitely lose her.
How on earth does he expect you to go along and spend time with someone who has part in turning your friends life upside down.

He’s a thoughtless dick. Stick to your guns. Not in a million years would I even consider it.

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2025 00:07

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Well, he should be loyal to you and have nothing to do with a cheater

But he isn't, is he?

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 00:09

Fine for him to still see his friend, shitbag or not.

But to "expect" you to? He can fuck right off.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
luckycat888 · 16/06/2025 00:18

Don’t mess your marriage for someone else’s problem. Your husband should put your feelings before theirs.

Devianinc · 16/06/2025 00:18

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2025 00:07

Well, he should be loyal to you and have nothing to do with a cheater

But he isn't, is he?

Show quote history

And visa versa

Summercocktailsgalore · 16/06/2025 00:19

A shame his friend could not be loyal to his wife.

your DH seems to consider affairs acceptable I take it.

BanditsWife · 16/06/2025 00:21

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:23

I've not seen her DH since he left. I don't want any drama but I just don't want to see him, or her.

I love my friend and I will stand by her 100%. DH is asking me to choose between being her friend and doing what he 'expects' me to do. He can piss right off with that chat.

Surely all of this works in reverse too though? Where is his respect for your friendship? Where would he stand if you expected him to fuck off his cheating friend, never mind the woman he did it with?

As far as I can see, you and your friend have the moral high ground and you have been very accommodating of his continued friendship with a cruel cheat. For him to demand more of you is completely out of order.

Ringthebell26 · 16/06/2025 00:24

with him and the woman he was shagging in my friends bed, when their children were asleep.

This is gross I could not ever be civil or socialise with either of them - not now, not ever

Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun · 16/06/2025 00:26

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

Turning that around, you could say that his loyalty should be to you and he should be supporting your friend.

I completely agree with you, I would never do that to my best friend. Stick to your guns on this.

VoltaireMittyDream · 16/06/2025 00:29

It’s mental though that he can’t just see his friend on his own. Why do you need to be involved at all?

whynotwhatknot · 16/06/2025 00:37

absolyuterly not who does he th8ink he is ordering you to go and play happy families with someone who cheated on your best friend

Nicebrightday · 16/06/2025 00:43

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him.

That’s a strange way of thinking.

Because an equally valid way of looking at this is that his loyalty should be to you and that neither of you should go.

Has he considered not going to the dinner out of loyalty to you?

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 00:50

Nicebrightday · 16/06/2025 00:43

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him.

That’s a strange way of thinking.

Because an equally valid way of looking at this is that his loyalty should be to you and that neither of you should go.

Has he considered not going to the dinner out of loyalty to you?

Show quote history

I don't think its a "strange" way of thinking.

I think its a misogynistic way of thinking.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/06/2025 00:53

I am probably going to get shit for this but.....this would be the point where I would be looking at him differently and wondering what else he thinks is ok. As a PP said, he clearly sees wives as replaceable.

It really is true that you should "Judge a man by the company he keeps". If he is more concerned about his mate and his side piece than you and the cheated on ex, well what does that say about his morals?

Hulabalu · 16/06/2025 00:53

DancingDucks · 15/06/2025 21:51

He said to me that my loyalty should be to him. I have supported him through some awful times over the years, but he cannot expect me to just be 'loyal' about something I find so out of order. I feel that's really disrespectful to me and he shouldn't be putting me in this situation. I've told him I'm not going and he can do what he wants with that info, I'm just not going.

DH is asking you to be loyal to his friend. A person that wrecked your friends life & left you to pick up the pieces. Ridiculous he expects this. You’re right not to go OP. Your friend’s ex has made his bed and can lie in it. Your DH can see his friend if he wants but he isn’t to go to dinner with them as a couple otherwise that’s kind of your DH being disloyal to you …

YourFairPlumPeer · 16/06/2025 01:00

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/06/2025 00:53

I am probably going to get shit for this but.....this would be the point where I would be looking at him differently and wondering what else he thinks is ok. As a PP said, he clearly sees wives as replaceable.

It really is true that you should "Judge a man by the company he keeps". If he is more concerned about his mate and his side piece than you and the cheated on ex, well what does that say about his morals?

I don't think its wrong for him to maintain the friendship and that, on its own, is not an endorsement of the behavior.

Particularly where its a close friendship of several decades, I dont think you automatically pull the plug when your friend does something wrong. I would most likely not cut off one of my friends in similar circumstances to these.

But his "expectation" and reaction to it not being met is a different kettle of fish.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/06/2025 01:01

I'd tell him that you expect him to prioritise your marriage by not playing happy couples with 2 cheaters. That you are known by the company you keep and that's not the kind of company that you want to be with.

That the best you can do is to ring his friend, explain that DH accepted the invitation before consulting with you and that you are unable to attend. And that if this changes in the future that you will let him know but in the meantime there's no point in extending further invitations. Tell DH that in order to prioritise your marriage that you will do this in a nice way, although you cannot be held responsible for how his friend takes it. He is welcome to be there when you make the call.

I'd also make it clear how incredibly disappointed you are in him.

NigellaWannabe1 · 16/06/2025 01:09

It’s odd he feels so strongly about it… I would be wondering why.

Pollntyme · 16/06/2025 01:09

VoltaireMittyDream · 16/06/2025 00:29

It’s mental though that he can’t just see his friend on his own. Why do you need to be involved at all?

I think it’s a control /macho thing. He wants to show his friend, who sounds like a misogynist, that he too has his woman “under control”. He feels he will look foolish if he has to say she’s refused the invite.

When he is saying to OP you need to be loyal to me it feels like he’s meaning you need to submit to me but isn’t using that word. He knows full well that marriage vows of loyalty are nothing to do with scenarios like this. He’s asking for unquestioning obedience from her.

He isn’t caring about her feelings at all, let alone her friends. What a shame. I’d be so disappointed.

I’d also be worried that he was more similar to his friend than I’d realised in terms of his values and attitude towards women.

NeedToAskPlease · 16/06/2025 01:19

I was in this situation and l just want to say that you're a fantastic friend.

DH left me for OW and within 4 months mutual friends were socialising with them like we used too.

I was absolutely devastated. More so than my husband actually leaving me as the betrayal cut so so deep.

We now do speak and see each other again (many years have passed since the divorce) and l value her friendship, but l will never forget her disloyalty.

2021x · 16/06/2025 01:38

In 2-minds.

  1. I would absolutely not be supporting the relationship over my friends
  2. But you could go, look his friend up and down tell him what a piece of shit he is, and then leave.

Honestly why does it matter if you go with your DH, can't he cut up his meat if your are not there? But seriously don't go, keep responding with no and he will soon get tired of it.

You can't stop people acting like twats, but you don't have to pretend you are OK with it.

user1492757084 · 16/06/2025 01:39

Just reiterate that you are happy with DH meeting his mate, though his mate is no where near as trustworthy as himself; but you will not be meeting the cheating man nor his new girlfriend.
If DH doesn't value you as a loyal friend and a loyal partner then he can be alone with his tantrums and threats.

CRCGran · 16/06/2025 01:46

I'd be furious with my husband so quickly and readily accepting the betrayal of our friend. I'd be asking him why he's OK with the cheating and lying. And if the female friend had had the affair would he be so keen to accept that and go out with her and the new man, or would that be disloyal to his male friend??

outerspacepotato · 16/06/2025 01:54

How odd for your husband to make this dinner a loyalty test for you when his best friend is so lacking in loyalty.

I would just look him in the eye and tell him you don't want me to go because you will not collude in supporting friend's adultery and ignore how much he harmed your best friend and their children. You will not play nice and rugsweep what they've done.

Your husband has got a lotta fucking nerve.

Devianinc · 16/06/2025 01:58

This is the man you married. Think about it.

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