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Original poster

2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

444 replies

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:29

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
MinistryofThyme · 15/06/2025 08:29

You cannot do this.

Kelim · 15/06/2025 08:30

You can't do that to your child.

Overthebow · 15/06/2025 08:30

No that would be really unfair.put them all in state school or send your DC3 to private.

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Cam1981 · 15/06/2025 08:31

Take the hit to your lifestyle you can’t treat your 3rd differently.

MidnightPatrol · 15/06/2025 08:31

IMO outrageous to exclude the third because it will ‘impact your lifestyle’ while funding it for the older two.

RobinHeartella · 15/06/2025 08:31

I wouldn't do this. Is there any way you can increase your income and/or reduce other outgoings? Get a job as support staff at the private school for a staff discount? Borrow off grandparents?

Zippidydoodah · 15/06/2025 08:31

No way. Either take the older two out, or take the hit to your lifestyle (FFS).

Satisfiedkitty · 15/06/2025 08:32

You can't do that. I know two families who did this, and it affected relationships with and between the children decades later.

McDonaldMcRon · 15/06/2025 08:32

Can you stretch to it until the eldest hits sixth form and transfer them to state then? That would be fairer IMO.

SoManyDandelions · 15/06/2025 08:32

You can't do that. You'll need to take the hit to your lifestyle.

SonnyBoy76 · 15/06/2025 08:33

I couldn't! She'll never forgive you.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/06/2025 08:33

This will definitely have lasting negative effects on your 3rd. What ages are they all?

Are there cheaper schools that you could afford for all 3 to go to? State grammar schools for secondary?

In a nutshell they all should definitely get the same chances.

Tafal · 15/06/2025 08:34

You cannot do that, so unfair. Either take the hit or put all three in state.

RedToothBrush · 15/06/2025 08:35

So you CAN afford it but you don't want to take a hit to your lifestyle. Meanwhile you are happy to sacrifice your daughter's potential lifestyle to accommodate this. And to risk your daughter's lifelong resent so you can maintain your current level of lifestyle. Your daughter will feel that she was unwanted and unplanned for and isn't as important as her elderly siblings (Both boys? That's even worse if it is. That reeks of sexism and valuing girls left).

Read what you are actually saying back to yourself.

No it's not ok. Not for lifestyle preferences.

Lifeisinteresting · 15/06/2025 08:35

@ThirstyMeeples some children do better in state (I did) as I was very self motivated and independent. My husband (a boarder since he was 6), honestly I think would have benefited more from a state education than his expensive private. Out of our friendship group a mix of us went to state, others Eton and Harrow. The ones who earn the most, with the most successful (and I don't mean burning bridges at both ends) and most adaptable all went to state school. We have friends who have one in state and one in private because of where the kids will naturally do better.

SonnyBoy76 · 15/06/2025 08:35

Surely you can cut costs elsewhere? What lifestyle sacrifices might you have to make? Less holidays or something?

Original poster
ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:35

when I see it will affect lifestyle, I don’t mean shopping and luxuries. We are already very frugal. I mean things like never being able to take a holiday, having to downsize our house (which isn’t massive anyway)
There are not many more corners we can cut.
The situation has changed so massively from when we decided to send our 1st. The money we had saved to use is being now used by the increase in VAT.
I’m not saying we will send 3rd child to state, just considering the options.

OP posts:
ButteredRadishes · 15/06/2025 08:35

OP; hello darling child 1, here's lots of money spent on you to further yourself...and ahhhh Darling Child 2, of course here's more.... Oh...number 3.... Fuck off.

RobinHeartella · 15/06/2025 08:36

We will be sending both ours to private and our "lifestyle" is very much affected and that's the choice we are happily making. For example max one holiday per year except for visiting family in the uk. I never buy expensive clothes and we rarely eat out any more. For us, a good education is worth more than those things.

If I were you I'd be thinking to myself about every spend "is this handbag/Michelin meal/concert ticket really worth treating dc3 so differently"

Edit, cross posted about the luxuries. Still, stop the holidays if you have to.

Dearg · 15/06/2025 08:36

Totally agree with previous posters. You cannot do this. As one of three siblings, trust me, every difference is noted.

Original poster
ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:36

We are already withdrawing the other 2 when they reach the next natural exit point (sixth form)

OP posts:
TwitchyNibbles · 15/06/2025 08:36

Agree with all other posters. That would be horrendously unfair to DC3 and will likely ruin your relationship with them in the long term. If you can afford to send them all then you should and just be grateful that you are in that position.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 15/06/2025 08:37

How many years will you have 3 DC at private school? Therfore a slight dip in lifestyle.

Personally I wouldn't do it. You are creating resentment for the rest of DC'S life.

RedToothBrush · 15/06/2025 08:37

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:35

when I see it will affect lifestyle, I don’t mean shopping and luxuries. We are already very frugal. I mean things like never being able to take a holiday, having to downsize our house (which isn’t massive anyway)
There are not many more corners we can cut.
The situation has changed so massively from when we decided to send our 1st. The money we had saved to use is being now used by the increase in VAT.
I’m not saying we will send 3rd child to state, just considering the options.

The same applies. You CAN afford it. You are just choosing not to.

ButteredRadishes · 15/06/2025 08:37

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:35

when I see it will affect lifestyle, I don’t mean shopping and luxuries. We are already very frugal. I mean things like never being able to take a holiday, having to downsize our house (which isn’t massive anyway)
There are not many more corners we can cut.
The situation has changed so massively from when we decided to send our 1st. The money we had saved to use is being now used by the increase in VAT.
I’m not saying we will send 3rd child to state, just considering the options.

But it isn't a surprise that the third child would need to go to school? They VAT Increases aside, it sounds like you couldn't afford the third child regardless??

You have to treat them all the same and suck it up, or send them all to a cheaper school, all state etc.