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Original poster

2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

444 replies

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:29

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
treesfalling · 15/06/2025 08:47

Seriously, you can't do this.

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 15/06/2025 08:47

Terrible idea. My friend did this and her son has been resentful all the way through because his sister went to private and he didn't.

Corinthiana · 15/06/2025 08:47

A child cannot be expected to have an overview about their education. Her friends may go to the local state school and she may well thrive there. However, for obvious reasons, she won't have as many opportunities nor as many doors open to her. The bottom line is that you found the money to pay for older siblings, but not her.
That's the issue.

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TheaBrandt1 · 15/06/2025 08:48

Honestly the difference between state and private isn’t huge where I live. It won’t affect your life chances those days are gone.

DamsonIcecream · 15/06/2025 08:48

What does the child think?

Having honest conversations is important in all relationships, and it could be a lesson in navigating the vicissitudes of life. I frequently tell my three kids life isn’t fair -we just try to make it as fair as possible.

If your third is dead-set on following their siblings then you’ll need to find a way to pay. However if they’re diffident but hate the idea of moving house or leaving their existing friendship group, you might have an opening into other options. Perhaps you could save to give them extra help with university so they end up with less debt than their siblings instead.

MellowPinkDeer · 15/06/2025 08:49

You hate your third child and it shows. What parent even considers this ??

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 15/06/2025 08:50

Sorry but you cannot sned 2 and not the third to private school. Talk about a fast way to create sibling issues. You shouldn't have had a third or snet the other 2 to a private school if you couldn't afford it.

Fees go up every year. It's a well.known fact so you should have factored that into your decision process at the start.

Corinthiana · 15/06/2025 08:50

MellowPinkDeer · 15/06/2025 08:49

You hate your third child and it shows. What parent even considers this ??

I think that's the danger of putting personal finances ahead of family needs, or perhaps bad planning?

DarkForces · 15/06/2025 08:51

What does dd want to do? I tried to involve dd with choosing her high school and gave her the option of looking around different private/state schools. She wasn't interested and just wanted to go to local high school. I still say if she wants to change I'll support her decision as far as possible

treesfalling · 15/06/2025 08:51

For context, the fees have gone up over 50% due to yearly increases and VAT since DC1 started.

Annual fee increases have been massive even before VAT in recent years

Bloozie · 15/06/2025 08:51

How does the third child feel about it?

i tend to agree with other posters that it’s wildly unfair but her views should count too. Maybe she’d like to attend a state school?

Dstoat · 15/06/2025 08:51

If anything I’d withdraw the elder ones and the younger one should get the same number of years in private.

Mischance · 15/06/2025 08:52

It depends what her needs and wishes are. Does she have friends going to the state school? - would that be her preferred option?

I had 3 children and they dipped in and out of the two systems depending on their individual need.

Talk about it as a family - it needs to be out in the open.

Pedallleur · 15/06/2025 08:53

treesfalling · 15/06/2025 08:51

For context, the fees have gone up over 50% due to yearly increases and VAT since DC1 started.

Annual fee increases have been massive even before VAT in recent years

That's the risk you take tho. If the school raised its fees by 15% a year can you afford it all the way through school.

Original poster
ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:53

She does want to go to state school as her friends are going. However, the other 2 also expressed this opinion and I reassured them they’d make new friends which of course they did.
There's definitely no sexism involved. It was purely a financial consideration. We would of course support her with enrichment trips, increased extra curricular and tutors.
Im grateful for opinions though; seems a big no no on the whole. Just something I’m considering, trying to balance everyone’s needs including being able to take a cheap holiday that we all enjoy as a family.
We are miles away from the Range Rover/ handbag/ shopping type people that some people are implying when I mentioned lifestyle earlier.
We saved so hard during the primary years to build up school fees as we can’t afford it from our monthly salaries alone.
I will speak to school when the time comes re: sibling discount and there’s a chance DC3 might get a scholarship as she’s bright but we’ll see.
Thanks for input

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 15/06/2025 08:53

This happened to me - my older sister went to a private school and I didn’t. It was 55 years ago and I still can’t forgive my parents. I felt neglected, unloved, resentful (it did untold damage to my relationship with my sister) and worthless.
Dont do this to your child.

moondip · 15/06/2025 08:54

If it was SO important to send the first two to private school, why isn’t it SO important to send the third…?

WithOnlyTheMemories · 15/06/2025 08:54

I think I would discuss it with the child. She might be happy enough going to the local secondary with her friends, or she may have the expectation/hope of being with her siblings. That would sway me.

I'm not really of the view that private school is better and wouldn't send my children in any event so I don't see it as some huge disadvantage if she doesn't go, but she may perceive it differently.

McSpoot · 15/06/2025 08:55

How old are all the kids? At what age did the others move to private?

cheezncrackers · 15/06/2025 08:55

Wow - really surprised at all the replies so far.

OP I know several families that have had this dilemma and many more are doing so now, thanks to VAT on school fees.

What the families I know have done is to only have one or two DC in private at a time and the others have stayed in state. How do they decide which ones get the private? It's largely based on need. Some DC just need more input. So what you could do is keep your older ones in private until after GCSE and then they go state for sixth form so you younger one can go to private. It's a juggle and it's really about trying to get the best outcomes for each DC.

One other thing - not all DC want to go private. My niece was given the option and chose to stay at her state school with her friends.

Corinthiana · 15/06/2025 08:56

You managed to fund 2 children through private school. I think you weren't frugal, just less well off than some of the private school parents.
These schools are businesses and will increase fees as and when.

HelloVeritas · 15/06/2025 08:56

If you choose state OP, could you invest additional funds for her into things like private tuition, extra curricular stuff. To enhance her state school experience?

ZImono · 15/06/2025 08:57

We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle

If its so tight (it doesnt sound it)
I'd move the oldest 2 (or just middle child if oldest has done ASs) to state 6th form and that will cover a large part of 3rds fee

You have to send all 3 really unless you want to breed SEVERE resentment.
Also telling an adult "oh but darling you wanted to be with your friends at the comp" won't wash. She's 11 she doesnt have capacity to make decisions like this. You are the adult and parent. You do.

its not like there's a 16 yr gap between 2 and 3.

Ineffable23 · 15/06/2025 08:57

What years are your older children in? I think if they're literally in GCSE years then it may make sense. Otherwise I would take them out pre-GCSEs and put them all in state.

ButteredRadishes · 15/06/2025 08:58

A guy I knew had 2 kids, one went to dance school in Tring at huge cost and sacrifices... The youngest went to state. There was HUGE resentment that the money was being spent in the Tring kid, and they couldn't do x,y,z.
And then when it came to 2nd child going to university, and 1st went off to dance. The parents refused to fund uni,as "they couldn't afford it"

Child No. 2 doesn't speak to the family!