2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Don’t expect that in future saying that your 11 year old said she wanted state school will stop any hurt about being treated differently. She will see that you as adults knew the greater opportunities and chose state school. Unless there was something specific such as grammar school then a self motivated child will do even better at private.

Have you asked your child what they want? My brother went to private school after primary and I didn’t. I wanted to stay with my friends and did really well at state school. No issues here 🤷🏼‍♀️

All these people saying ask the child.....which I am not saying is wrong.....what should the oarents say/do if the child says. "Id like private school like my siblings"?

Quite! Or "I'd like to go to Disneyland and be home schooled"

So if two children are at a private school and the third has said they are quite happy to go to the state school then they must be forced to go to the school they don't wish to attend for the sake of "fairness". Okay then.

Honestly, people in the UK are obsessed with private schools and how they are so superior to state schools. Here it doesn't matter which you went to, you can do well coming from either system.

The OP has already written "She does want to go to state school as her friends are going".

She has also written that her older children also said this, but she told them the private school was better.

Jesus, how undervalued is your child going to feel about this? Understand it might be a financial stretch but that could cause untold hurt and resentment and jeopardise any relationship with C3. Awful that you’re even considering it

Yes, because fairness is important. No, millions of people aren't "obsessed" with private schools. The OP has asked a question, many of us have responded. From this you extrapolate some collective obsession of a nation?
It's about treating siblings equally, or at least giving them equality of opportunity..

The OP has also written elsewhere that her son is receiving tutoring, for which she pays £45 / hour, and that they employ a window cleaner. Frugal life???

Sounds like her DD is making sacrifices for her older brothers without really consenting to do so.

And what child, knowing that her parents are feeling the pinch, would say they want to go to an expensive school? Most children at the age of 10 or 11 (especially girls) try to do what they think their parents want. It's not a free choice.

I’m not necessarily meaning Oxbridge or professional role, rather the opportunity to try a wider range of subjects and sports with a more available teaching staff to notice interests earlier and encourage these. A 12-1 ratio vs a 30-1 ratio will always allow for more input from teaching staff and expression from the young person themselves. I never played golf, used a climbing wall or rowed/sailed whilst in mainstream state school and that was when there were better resources. Children that can coast do currently in state provision as teaching resources have to be spent where it is needed the most.

That’s all very lovely but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. And sounds like op can’t if she needs to sell her sodding house!

I know numerous families with a mix of state and private for various good reasons not favouritism usually due to a need or vulnerability in one child or change in financial circumstances of parents or seeing by the third child the huge painful outlay isn’t actually worth it. . The parents are all great parents and have explained clearly their reasoning to the kids involved.

The first two were, other own “benefit” . So why not the third?

Because they can’t afford it.

It doesn’t sound as if they’re on the bones of their arse atm though.

Stopping tutoring at £45 an hour for a child already receiving a private education would be an obvious start.

If they have a window cleaner, what else is being outsourced?

Where do they shop?

What holidays would have to be reviewed?

How much is the school in question? Are there less expensive alternatives that one or all 3 could go to?

My PIL did this to my SIL. DH was at private school, while SIL went to the local secondary school, which was also the school both her parents taught at. She has resented it for years. She thinks they did it for convenience rather than financial reasons, because DH’s school was boys only, and it would have meant organising travel to three different schools.

Again you cannot move a child going into Y11.

Why does everyone who think it would be unfair to send DC 3 to state seem to think it’s fine to move DC1 in exam year?

I’d not twigged that one was in year 11. If that’s now then exams will pretty much be over so I hope applications to state sixth form options have gone in. If they’re just at the end of year 10, then research about state options for years 12 and 13 should be in full swing.

The only way I could see this being ok would be if one kid got into a super selective state that was better than the private school, and the others didn't. We have a state school near us like that, head and shoulders better, in every aspect, than all the local (some very highly regarded) private schools locally.

OP has already said that they plan to move DC1 and DC2 to state for 6th form.

DC1 will be Y11 in September, DC2 will be Y10 (or Y9) and DC3 will be Y6 from what I could work out.

Maybe she doesn’t think it would be a good thing for the family as a whole to be on the bones of their arse. You might think differently, of course.

Not sure the advice of someone who thinks moving two settled children, one in the middle of her GCSEs, just to be “fair” is advice worth listening to.

No, one is in Year 10.

My daughter is in Year 10. My research about sixth forms isn’t “in full swing”. I’ve had a vague look, and we’ll go to open days next term.

But I’ll sure the OP is aware of the process.

@Ddakji tbh i’d commented towards the start of this thread, and not read the 8 pages in between where op has obviously provided more information- my bad!

If there will just be 2 years with the middle and youngest both in private secondary school that completely changes things - they’ve obviously managed this for 4 years for the older 2.

I’m not saying that living on the bones of your arse is desirable - but that there are obvious non essential outgoings that could be trimmed.

As an aside, is it common for children in private schools to need tutoring outside of school too? I would have thought that this type of education would negate the need for this.

We know people going the opposite way this year. Older kids got into state grammars, younger ones didn’t and are going private. Because the competition was greater this year due to private school VAT. I fully expect a lot of DCs in state schools not to make GCSE grades either for sought after Sixth Forms. So what exactly are parents meant to do in this scenario? There will be kids up and down the country not making the grades this year. Those parents may decide to pay up for 2 years and then what? Are they obliged to pay for all younger siblings too? I don’t think so. Parents have to adapt to the circumstances, including the political situation.

I think going to state is ok IF you could possibly promise that she could move to private in year9. By then your eldest will move to state 6th and second will have only 1 year left. You could leave the youngest in private until year13 to even up the 5 year period.

it’s a middle ground that could can see everyone winning.