2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

I don't think you should have sent any to private school, but now you have it would be awful not to do the same for the third.

Your youngest's lifestyle has already been affected by your choice to spend so much on her siblings education. Imagine the savings you could have had for her future, or the extra holidays. You can't then say that more sacrifice isn't worth it when it comes to her.

God this is awful. In my house one gets something they all get something. Withdrawing at the next natural exit point- 6th form? So they will have had a full education in private school. Not having a holiday ? Well mine are in public and I don’t get a holiday either so suck it up.

Maybe my husband is right that we shouldn't have a third child 🤔 😅

@ThirstyMeeples
I wouldn't rule out state for your 3rd yet.
My first thought was 'where are her friends going'.
Maybe prepare for financing the private school but apply for state and for bursaries.
Can you talk to the private school about a significant bursary until the oldest leaves? I don't know if the school will be full, but if it isn't this might be an option. Worth asking.
My kids would definitely choose state+holidays etc over private (they are state). They also get great opportunities because less kids seem to be interested in sports clubs etc, so they are in teams that they might not have been elsewhere. Got places on fab STEM events. Then fill their lives with extras with you involved - they gain that over doing all extra curriculars behind school walls.
Don't give them any suggestion that their school is any worse.
Teachers are teachers, you don't get better ones at state school it's all pot luck (you do get smaller classes though which in turn brings better behaviour).

My wife’s parents sent her two older brothers and then not her. Funnily enough they also chose to pull the brothers out at sixth form. It was definitely mainly financial, they were skint. But the older brothers definitely got a leg up.

They should have thought of that before they sent the first one. Costs are unpredictable. The only variable really is how many children you have. If you don’t know that you can afford to send them all then you send none.

I’m broadly against private school anyway, but we live 150m from one of the best in our region. In our current situation I am confident that we could fund one child comfortably, but we are going to try for a second child. I don’t think we could fund a second child comfortably, thus it won’t be on the table for either of them.

My older 2 are in year 10 and year 9. They are so settled and happy, I would be loathe to withdraw them now.
My thought was that I could enhance DC3 extracurricular outside of school.
I really hear what a lot of you are saying though about resentment down the line and this was my concern. I’m not so worried she won’t do well at state or enjoy it; it’s the consequences in the future that worry me that I can’t predict.
And hearing the mix of experiences shows it works okay for some families and not for others. Probably not a risk I should take!

It’s a hard one isn’t it :( we all expected fees to rise but not by such a crazy amount with salaries not matching the increase. Downsizing and not having a holiday will be detrimental to all your children. We send our eldest to private school for a number of reasons, the school she goes to won’t suit my youngest I don’t think so she will go to the state school which I think will be better for her. As long as you are considering everyone’s needs and discuss it with the ones who are old enough to understand I think it’s ok, withdrawing already established friendships etc isn’t fair but your youngest will be going with friends to the state school so that’s a much easier decision than moving 2 children from their current school.

Have a nice you asked your DC3 on their view?

A bright child will do well anywhere

i bloody hate this phrase. I WAS the bright child who did well at a rough comp but I was horrendously bullied and my mental health paid the price. Don’t deliberately create social
disparity between your DC.

I know a family who did what you are considering OP. More or less exactly the same. With 3 kids and in a similar situation. They had very good state schools local to them. Their decision was partly financial, but also partly a growing realisation that they what they were buying was not all it was cracked up to be (meaning that the part of private school education where you buy that your kids get to mix with other wealthy kids and not with oiks increasingly seemed to be not worth that much - and the kids felt this sentiment too).
The good news is: it's all worked out absolutely fine. The siblings, now in their 20s, have all done very well in different but equivalent ways in the world of work and they all get on great.

I don't think you have specified which year group you two eldest are in OP but unless they are twins currently both just finishing y10 and going into y11 (which would be an insane point to move schools) it is perfectly reasonable to move school at any other point in senior school. All schools have new starters every year up to and including the start of y10 (except the relatively small number who start the GCSE syllabus in y9 but a state school wouldn't be allowed to refuse a y10 start)

I suspect that if you wrote to the head of the school where your two eldest are and said that you are intending to give notice that you are withdrawing both of them, because you cannot afford the fees for their younger sister to join them.and it would be unreasonable and unfair to keep the elder two having a privilege that is denied to their sister, but if they would be able to offer financial assistance to enable all three of them to attend then you will reconsider. Depending on the school, many head teachers would say that for as long as all three of them are in attendance, they can give a bursary to each to reduce the total bill to be something more affordable. Presumably that won't be for more than 2 years?

If you're going to tell the youngest that state school is not any "worse", then you'll have to explain to her why you sent the eldest two to private schools.
That is definitely a privilege

My Dad would have paid for my DC to attend private but I'm more than happy for them to attend state school. He has subsequently offered to fund their uni years (tuition, accommodation etc). Which I am very grateful for and will set them up for life a lot better than ages 4-16 in an average private school.

I know someone who did this. Their older two were born in 1980 and 1983. The baby arrived in 1990. Private fees had risen too much and their income had risen less than inflation. It was necessity. The one who went to the state school earns the most, enjoyed school and has no chip on his shoulder about it. Don't bankrupt yourselves for school fees.

I have had to make this decision this year.

My DD is in private Y9, after applying for state schools and a whole lot of trauma on her part I decided to take a loan and pay for the further 3 years the day before the general election to avoid the VAT.

Now my son is due to start secondary in September and it's not even been a consideration. The VAT has just ruined it for so many parents that aren't "rich".

I do wish I could send him, but I can't afford it, it simple is what it is. He understands and is excited to go to the school with a few of his primary friends.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say it depends on the individual child. My sister went to private and I went to state and it didn’t occur to me (then or now) to feel that I was hard done by in any way. We have 3DC who are all at our (good but not brilliant) state secondary. There’s no way we could afford to send all 3 to private school, but I would consider it for one if they were struggling and it would meet their needs better. My eldest is doing GCSE’s and has thrived in her state school. My middle child has been more up and down and we have had the conversation as a family about swapping to private as an option, and my eldest sees no issue with it. What does your daughter want to do? Another option is for your daughter to go to private school for sixth form, once the other two have finished and money is freed up?

Please don’t do that. You will regret it massively when you see the damage that you’ve done to her relationship with you (you are telling her she is not worth the effort/money) and the relationships between the siblings. What if she doesn’t achieve her goals and ambitions? How on earth would you square that with her and your conscience?

He says he understands now but he's 11. I wonder what his view will be at 16 or 18 or 21 or 45?

So, it sounds as if private schools have a lot of flexibility with fees?
Why have they increased them so much then, if they can afford to do this? Not being picky, just wondering.

I didn't go to private school so I'm unsure how it works but presumably if you're willing to pay it's easier for them to join at any point in their secondary education?

If so, and as your child is keen to go to state school, could you start with the state school topped up with paying for any extracurricular clubs and tutors that they would have got at private school and review how they're doing? If their grades start to suffer (or they hate the experience due to worse behaviour etc) you can look at moving them to the private school.

I don't think it's as awful / clear cut as others on this thread seem to.

Nothing wrong with State schools, but there is something wrong with choosing to treat one child differently especially when you can afford not to. Your lifestyle will take a hit because you will have 3 children in private school not because of 1.

I think fairness matters. No issue with DC3 going to state school, but send 1 and 2 with them too?

Thanks to all those sharing their experiences. It’s so hard trying to balance everyone’s needs and make the right choices. Sounds like some of you have had to make tough choices too.
Im hearing it works out fine for some families and not for others.
I’ve heard that phrase a lot ‘a bright child will do well anywhere’ but I wholly agree that’s without significant social and behavioural issues in the school setting and I’m sure involves a supportive and involved parent.

Isn’t this one of the reasons those two brothers on Race Across the World were estranged for most of their lives? One sent to private, one not, felt like it mapped out their life opportunities - which were poles apart - and meant they didn’t really speak til they were in their sixties. Don’t know what the thought process was behind it for their parents, but a decision maybe without thought, totally affected the rest of their lives.

Dont do what someone upthread has said (they said put all three in state school). If you can stretch to it then definitely send the third child to private school, but you really need to consider what might change in the medium to longer term. There’s already talk of more tax rises which will make things even more difficult for middle income families. Can you really afford it when you factor in the potential for higher taxes and mortgage rates? If the answer is no then you just tell the third child when they are older that it was thanks to the Labour government that they couldn’t go to private school. Why put the other two through the upheaval of taking them out of school away from their friends in the interests of fairness. That’s the whole reason why this policy is being introduced in the first place. To drag everyone down to the same level.