2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

you said your dc3 is a girl, are your older two also girls? (Just there does seem to be a trend to “only send the child who needs it” to private school - often because they are lazy /unmotivated etc and it’s often the one who “needs” expensive education is a boy and the one who doesn’t is a girl.)

Anyway, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. If you can, but would have to have a lower standard of living, then you should treat them all the same. Have you investigated if there’s cheaper private schools nearby? You might have to tell the older ones you can’t do private for 6th form for them. (So everyone gets y7-11). Have you asked about discounts / help if you have more than one dc in the same school?

You'll have to sell the house to afford sending the third to private? If things this hard up i'd send them all to state.

My friend has this him and his brother were at a rough state his much younger sister at private. He’s such a lovely easy going successful guy but still mentions this in a wtf way! They are a lovely close family though.

Are your first two boys and your third a girl by any chance?

So unacceptable

This is really unfair to your 3rd DC.
Private school really excel at extra curricular and soft skills. How are you going to replicate that?

It won't be that long until one of them is out of secondary so you will only have a crossover if a year or two.
Are the other two boys? If so this will make the upset even worse.
I would do anything not to have this happen.

How much are these holidays you're going on?

If any thing, I actually see it as a waste to send the lazy unmotivated one to a private school. The brighr child will get far more from it and appreciate it. The lazy bum kid will always need spoonfeeding.

I am very opposed to private education-but even I don’t think you can do this.

How long have they both got to go? To be honest I’d withdraw them now and send all 3 to state school if you can’t afford to send the third.

All of them go or none of them go . Your instincts about future conflicts are right .

This is tricky, because you're clearly treating your youngest dc differently from the older two. It therefore has the potential to cause resentment, particularly if you could make lifestyle changes to be able to afford private education for the third child but choose not to do so.

That said, it isn't inevitably a disaster. One of dd's close friends is a third child who went to a state comprehensive after his two siblings attended selective private schools. His parents could have sent him private as well, but they had growing doubts about whether it was actually worth it. They agreed to try him in state and see how things went. He thrived. Developed much better social skills than his older brother and outperformed both of his older siblings academically. He doesn't resent his parents' decision because he doesn't feel that he missed out.

But obviously, it's one of those situations that could easily go either way.

Where does she want to go?

If the older two are years 7-9, I'd pull them both out now when state school places come up. Obviously trickier if GCSE years.

Have you looked at your 6th form options? Locally to me, they don't take many external students.

Thanks for the input. It’s pretty unanimous I think.
I’m not someone who thinks state school is an awful option. I actually don’t think there’s a huge difference in grades really. A bright kid will do well anywhere with interested, supportive parents. And the local state school is good.
we sent the older 2 (one boy, one girl for the poster who thought I might be being sexist!) because of the extra curricular- lots of art clubs, climbing, sports teams. And I liked their school day and variety. I still do.
But I was contemplating how we could enrich DC3 life without private school.
For context, the fees have gone up over 50% due to yearly increases and VAT since DC1 started.

I don’t think you should do this. One other question - does DC3 have a view on where she wants to go?

See if you can negotiate with the school, I did get a three for two offer

My friends had one at private and one on state at secondary level. The state school was selective and the other child wasn't as academic, so they justified it that way.

If you feel you can justify it due to the nature of your child, then that's ok. But did you not see this coming?

ive only read the first few comments where people were shocked at the idea. I personally know a family who’s first two dc when private boarding and third cc went local state school. All lovely. I don’t know the reason. But you can’t stretch yourself financially if you can’t afford it with the vat

But you chose private education knowing that fees can rise or schools may close. Couple of recent cases of schools closing due to falling numbers and increasing costs. You have to take the hit I'm afraid. If nothing else you would be comparing the private education to the state and if one is better than the other will you voice your opinions openly?
Where does your 3rd want to go?

This. Plus, please listen to pp. You have 3 children and cannot treat the youngest one differently. You are either going to have to transfer the older 2, or find the money for the youngest. This hasn't happened instantly, to be fair you have had time to plan.

If not yet in y10 then withdraw the others.
It would be very unfair for them to continue for years depleting family funds.

Though by not making tough decisions by Easter you are already committed to autumn term fees.

Obviously the final decision is yours because DC3 will be 11 not 16, but has she expressed a preference? What will her friends likely be doing? Thinking back, I cared more about what my friends Beth and Lisa were doing than where I would be educated. But as PPs have said, it could cause resentment in adulthood when they look back - you’d be banking on DC3’s lifestyle/opportunities/career being as rewarding as those of the other two - which is perfectly possible if they’re clever and studious, but it’s a gamble.

Two question Op

First, are pp right, dc3 is a girl and the other two are boys?
If so, you may well give her the message that girl’s education matters less than boys…is that what you want her to grow up thinking?
But also, have you talked to her about what she wants?
She may not actually want to go to Private school and might want to try State school along with her friends.

I actually dont think this is that bad. You can explain it’s because of the VAT - circumstances have changed not of your making.

Dd1 best friend has a sister at private she doesn’t give two hoots. She prefers the state and her sister has had health and friendship issues and is more vulnerable somehow so it seemed right for their family. Parents do give her extra funding boosts to make up for it. It’s a case by case basis I think.