2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

[ThirstyMeeples]

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

Im going to go against the grain and say if you explain that financial circumstances have changed there's no good reason for the youngest to be resentful.
Circumstances change for whatever reason (divorce, government policy, war etc) and sometimes siblings end up having different childhood experiences, that's life

It’s diabolical. Don’t do it.

If you don’t think state is ‘a booby prize’ why are you paying for private for the eldest?
You can’t do this to a child unless you want tests or resentment.

Enriching with clubs etc is not equivalent no matter how much you try and kid yourself and you’ll know that if your eldest are at private.

If your eldest is already Y10 then you only have one more year before he moves to 6th form. Assuming your youngest isn’t going this September, then how will you have 3 lots of fees? If he goes into Y10 in September, it’s still only 1yr of the extra squeeze and the year after that, both your older two will have left so you’ll drop to one set (youngest). 🤷‍♀️

My DH went to private school on a scholarship, his brother didn’t get a scholarship, so went to state school. It has created a terrible dynamic in his family. I absolutely would not consider doing this

If there were no financial issues which school would #3 go to? That's the simple answer.

This.

Going against the grain here - as you’ve said the older one will be leaving private at the end of next year for sixth form (followed a year later by the next one) I think sending the youngest a year ahead of that (if I have the timings right) is probably fine - they’ll all end up in state anyway.

The other way to think about it is that you’ll only have one year with all 3 in private and then you’ll be back to two, so it might not mean such a drastic change (like moving house) as you think?

I'm definitely not going to remove the other 2. That would be very hard for them.
There is no discrepancy in my desire for the children to do as well as they can and achieve their potential but the reality for us is that the financial landscape has shifted hugely for us (and many others) in the last 5 years. So despite intense saving and spreadsheets and planning, things are not the same as they were.
I think you’ve all definitely edged me towards sending her privately though. They will all now come out for state sixth form as we have an excellent one locally.

But if you can’t afford it, you can’t. It’s only going to get more and more expensive.

I think your problem is, you clearly like the private school, your children are happy there (I assume), but you feel none of your children actually “need it.” You would therefore be choosing not to give your youngest dd something nice that you chose to give to your older children. Of course that will cause resentment in the long term, as would saving up the money you would have spent on your youngest dd’s education pre-VAT and then giving it only to her as a huge lump sum in the future. To send your dd to state, now, you would also be using state education at a time when morale is low in the sector, behaviour issues have been increasing in all types of school since covid, and school finances are severely strained, so you can’t guarantee the local state school will be what you expect it to be like when your dd goes there.

How old are your eldest two?

We won’t ever have 3 sets of fees thankfully (now we made the decision to withdraw after GCSE) but we are relying on savings, as well as some income, and that’s the bit that now won’t sustain us the whole time. So we’ll need to rely more on income which is where the lifestyle takes a hit.

I can’t for the life of me understand having 3 children and sending them to fee paying school when you can’t easily afford it, it’s such a huge financial commitment over such a long time, there was always the risk you’d have to pull them out or not be able to afford for one to go.

walkaround
Thanks, yes this sums up my position I think and is good for thought.
im trying to quote people and respond but thread is moving quite quickly sorry!

You can do it. Be prepared for it to come back and bite you on the arse in time though.

You can't do that. All children should be treated the same regarding their education.

I have a friend who's 2 older siblings went to state school and she was sent to private school. So much angst and resentment between the siblings and it's broken the siblings relationships due to how differently they were treated.

The youngest has been ostracised from family events and has a fraught relationship with their parents too.

If my parents sent two of my siblings to a private school and not me, i would be so angry about it.
she might not realise at the time, but when she grows up there will definitely be resentment, she will always feel like the less favourite

Dp has 4 cousins-2 went to state and 2 went to private

They are all adults now and on the surface,they are all super close

Scratch the surface though and the resentment is real between the state siblings and the private pair

The state pair feel they where not worth as much as the private pair and because they went to a (lovely) state school,they had to work a lot harder than the pair who had it all handed to them

In their case,the state pair are super hard working and the private pair seem to think that mum will fund them forever (dad died just after covid)

The parents (well,just mum now) has spent years and a lot more money,trying to make it up to the state pair to 'even it up' but feelings don't go away just because your parents throw cash at you as an adult

I'd send them all-ive seen the resentment that bubbles under the surface (I admit that this is my very small sample as everyone I know was state)

I'm the oldest and was treated differently to my younger sister. They backed her in her education and not me. It's followed me all through life. In fact they still support her financially now. Please don't do it.

Agree fully with the consensus that you absolutely cannot do this unless it means your family otherwise being on the streets.

@ThirstyMeeples

withdraw the other two now?

I know someone this happened to, now in his 50s. He was the one they didn't bother to send to private school, and it has massively affected him hid whole life. Earns much less than his sibling, low self worth, which has manifested in quite unpleasant personality traits. Real "needing to keep up with the Jones's" mentality... but without the capacity to actually compete! So makes his wife feel inadequate about herself / their life together. Terrible relationship with both of his now adult children. Could have happened anyway, but the sibling who did go, hasn't had any of these problems.

Worst part? The brother they did send, was an identical twin!

My parents did this to my youngest DB - he's nearly 50 and still has a massive (and completely legitimate) chip on his shoulder about it. He's done perfectly well in his life, and much better than our other brother who was at private school, which is how my mother justifies her decision. Fact is he still feels like he was seen at not good enough to have his schooling paid for. I loathed my school but I'm supposed to be grateful to my mother for paying for me to go. It's one of the many reasons my family is completely fucked up.

Would it be possible to send her to state then shift to private for year 9? In time for GCSEs, and in the meantime inrich her education through tution, after school clubs etc. Because if you are struggling now, the fees are only going to increase, so can you sustain three dcs in private education?