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Original poster

2 kids in private school, sending 3rd child to state. Thoughts please.

444 replies

ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 08:29

Hi, I’m interested in opinions please about this. I have 2 children in private secondary school and our 3rd child is approaching the end of primary state school.
With the increase in VAT, it’s just much more of a financial stretch now. We could just about afford to send DC3 but would come at a cost to lifestyle. Also DC3 is more self motivated than her siblings and is less likely to need the individual attention that the older 2 get in private school. Our local state school has its issues with behaviour but is overall pretty good and friends’ kids have done well there.
But I’m struggling with the idea of not treating them equally and it becoming a source of contention in the future.
Has anyone else done similar?
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Sherararara · 15/06/2025 08:58

MellowPinkDeer · 15/06/2025 08:49

You hate your third child and it shows. What parent even considers this ??

But extreme but ok…

Hoppinggreen · 15/06/2025 08:59

I believe in trying to send each child to the school that suits them best BUT in your case you are doing it for financial reasons and so I don't think you can

Original poster
ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 09:00

I’m pretty sure she’d be fine in state as would the other two have been. I don’t think state schools are as terrible and such a huge difference as some people here are making out tbh.
Where we live, we’re not talking Eton/ St Paul’s level of elitism. Of course the private school is elite but nothing like the top London schools. Both my elder 2 children have stayed friends with their primary friends and there’s no difference in confidence/ accent that I can detect.
We sent the older 2 for all the little added extras. I liked the facilities and sports provision and clubs. I didn’t think for one second I was buying them connections or grades.
I think DC 3 will end up in private probably; just exploring possibilities that balance everyone’s needs.

OP posts:

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ButteredRadishes · 15/06/2025 09:01

Why can't the older two be removed from the school and only send DC3?

Nightshadesdown · 15/06/2025 09:01

It was always going to cost a lot with 3. As pp have said, sadly I think you are committed now to this path - or you take everyone out.

Selling the house and buying a smaller one is extreme though - do all your dc know that things are this tight? They are old enough to be part of these decisions. They must know given your lifestyle that there is very little money as its all going on school fees.

Genevieva · 15/06/2025 09:01

Circumstances change and you do what you have to do. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how good the state provision is.

Moonshine86 · 15/06/2025 09:02

Where does your child want to go to school? Do they have a preference?

justkeepswimingswiming · 15/06/2025 09:02

You cant do that. A family member of mine did this with her kids sent one to private and the other two to state schools - and guess what? The two that went to state schools resent their brother who went to private.

MoistVonL · 15/06/2025 09:02

I know two adults whose parents sent siblings to private school but them to state school. It massively affected how each of felt about their families in later life and drove a real wedge between them and their siblings.

Not just for her education, but do that she knows she’s equally valued you must send her to the same school.

SocksAreNice · 15/06/2025 09:02

@ThirstyMeeples This is a really hard situation. I sent my DS to our local outstanding state secondary and he had a nervous breakdown because it was so awful there. After a year of recovery at home I took him to see a private secondary school last week and he thought he was in heaven. I think you need to look really carefully at what a mainstream state secondary is actually like just now.

Particularly ask things like, how many classes per week have kids working in silence with a cover teacher? How much of the teaching is done entirely by screens without teachers (e.g. blooket, seneca etc) How many classes routinely have 38 kids in them? Has the science class had more than 5 changes of named teacher in one term? Do maths and computer science classes have a qualified teacher at all? Do the kids have time to eat at lunch? What do the kids have do to end up in isolation/detention (probably not much)

This stuff matters.

dudsville · 15/06/2025 09:03

It's ok to downsize a home and not go on holidays in order to be able to manage providing for each of your children equally. That sends a strong positive message about the importance of family and how to prioritise the wellbeing of one's children. It's not OK to let the bright one just get on with it. It will set her apart from her siblings and gives the negative impression of the child, rather than the parents, having to make the sacrifices.

Boohoo76 · 15/06/2025 09:03

I have one in private and one in state and it’s actually really common for parents to do this at the schools in question. However, the state school in a very high performing grammar (one of the top in the country). I wouldn’t send one private and one to a mediocre comp except if the child in question was having serious issues at their comp in which case I would pull them out and use a private school if their was no reasonable state alternative.

PopperBo · 15/06/2025 09:04

Whilst she may do well in state due to her own motivation she may well thrive in an independent setting, this being the difference in university choice and/or later job choice. You can’t punish her because she is motivated, you would be saying if you put less effort in we will bail you out as parents.

30inaclass · 15/06/2025 09:04

So definitely two boys and a girl or did I miss otherwise?

Is this a pride issue with you hoping to say DD wanted state?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 15/06/2025 09:04

You could consider gifting your third child the equivalent sum in cash when she's 18 (in stages perhaps) to fund uni, house purchase deposit etc instead. You would have time to save for this. I know which I'd prefer!

Sparkle123r · 15/06/2025 09:04

Unbelievable that you have even considered not sending her. You either send them all, or none. Your child may not see it now, but in years to come the resentment will be there.

Why should your younger childs education be sacrificed so that nothing changes for the older two. They still get their schooling they still get their lifestyle and holidays. You will not be able to replicate the same opportunities. Tutoring will eat it into the child's personal time.

You knew you would have a third child to send, and you didn't think about it long term. Everyone knows things increase year on year. That's poor planning on your part as parents.

Stripeyanddotty · 15/06/2025 09:05

One of mine went private, one state.
No issues at all. Now adults and get on extremely well, no resentment.

MummaMummaMumma · 15/06/2025 09:05

You can't do this.

user1492757084 · 15/06/2025 09:06

At worst, let her start one year later.
Do forgo the holidays and send all of your children to private.

Are there any other options at other cheaper private or church schools where all three could attend?
Apply for scholarships for them all.

Zippp · 15/06/2025 09:07

I don’t see a problem with it. If (looking at the OP’s username) the family is in Oxford there are some amazing private schools and some pretty average ones. There’s a very good state school, a pretty good state school and some average ones. I’d educate a child at Cherwell over some of the private schools any day.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 15/06/2025 09:07

If your preference for private is heavily linked to the provision of activities/sports etc… then you REALLY don’t want to send your 3rd dc to state school.
Theres no way you’re going to be able to reproduce it.

My own dcs have been to both state and private. It’s not comparable.

aredcar · 15/06/2025 09:07

what school year are they all in currently? Would you have 3 at private for long? IMO you have to treat them equally

Original poster
ThirstyMeeples · 15/06/2025 09:08

Thanks. Some really good points to consider. Thanks to the poster who gave me some things to consider about state school which I hadn’t thought of. I really didn’t think of state school as the booby prize hence why I’m a little surprised at some of the responses . But I’ve found them super helpful so thanks.
I also agree about taking what my 10 yr old says with a pinch of salt. She can’t be responsible for her future education and all the possible consequences.
I honestly don’t care about getting a smaller house etc. I’m not materialistic and as long as I have a little garden, I’m happy.
Im not pleading poverty; we’re so lucky to have choices. I do think the older 2 realise we’re not a wealthy as some of their friends. But there’s also a cohort like us who aren’t super rich and have to make compromises in order to attend.

OP posts:
Tubs11 · 15/06/2025 09:09

Or send the 3DC to state school and put those fees (minus VAT) in a trust fund for their university. My 12 year old self would welcome that if I was a bright and well adjusted kid.

Blarn · 15/06/2025 09:11

No, that is awful and your dc3 would probably feel upset about their lost opportunities for the rest of their life.

Dd1 is going to sit the 11+, dd2 has already firmly said she has no desire to do that whatsoever. They are very different children academically but I already feel guilty about the prospect of one going to grammar school and one not. How you can seriously consider not sending one of your dc so you don't lose your current lifestyle is beyond me.