Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

Had DD just before my 42nd birthday. Her adolescence and my menopause clashing is great fun 🙄

I think there’s a big difference between having a baby at 40 and 48!

All the rest of it just sounds like normal parenting stuff that people are managing with at any age.

Regarding the chilled out retirement… yes true, but you got 18-45 to do whatever you wanted!

53 and dc is 10.

Shattered...

Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.

So you had your children a lot after 40, then. I do think there’s a difference between having kids in your early 40s and late 40s. Plus different people have different energy levels.

I had my kids in my 20s - I was absolutely petrified of having another, an unexpected late baby. It would be my idea of hell!

I could do preschoolers in my early 50s (age I am now) no way do I want to deal with teenager in my 60s though. Bloody exhausting mentally, emotionally & physically.

Sounds bloody terrible op!
It's a young woman's game

spot on.
It is exhausting.

I agree with you lol.

I disagree

Young woman's game my backside

Had my two lovely d d later In life and they are the greatest joy ever

Yes I'm tired but my gosh I count my blessings every day

Also lots of my friends in their 40s would love to have kids and are so sad it may not happen

Count your blessings

I agree. I'm the OP's age and I'm a granny. I do a lot. And It. Is. Knackering.

Love 'em to bits. But you can scrape me off the floor when they go home after a 12 hour day. When my DC were young? I'd go out in the evening after a day of work and childcare.

Our bodies are designed to reproduce at a certain age for a reason.

Bollocks...I had mine at 38 and 40 and am now coming up to 62. Far more patience, empathy and everything now. Love my husband and happy in my life and my grown up kids are great

Check hormone levels
Get all the help you can to combat exhaustion, HRT etc.

I was looked down on for having my son young.
Im now 38 and my son is 22 i dont recommend anyone to have a baby at my age back then,
But life dont always go to plan.
But i was pleased i had him when i did and would not change a thing.

He has moved out and has his own life and i have mine.
My sister had hers all in her 20s and she is now an empty nester.
My eldest sister had her second baby at 42 she has an older child 19 years.
She said its harder than what the first time was.
But rant away op.

I remember rocking DS2 to sleep at 41 and thinking I was too old for this sh**. 48 would have killed me. That said, we all living well for longer and so hopefully 70 for us won’t be the same as for our parents.

It's very difficult to say but I didn't really find pregnancy or having young DC physically hard. I had all 4 of them by the time I was 30. On the other hand by the time I am your age OP I will have had 30 years of parenting and all the emotional challenges and having to be selfless that that brings. A few of my friends are having first babies now in their late 30s / early 40s and while I agree it looks exhausting, they are starting off in overall better health and wealth than me, having built careers and so on without having to consider others' needs.

Swings and roundabouts if you ask me

It certainly wouldn’t be for me. My cut off was 35, had my first at 30 and my second at 34. I’m now 41. I reckon I could probably do pregnancy and the newborn stage again but the thought of a toddler is terrifying. The stage from 18mo to around 4 was the hardest for me, tantrums, meltdowns, no longer napping even though they needed it, doing anything was just hard work. I’m now laid in the conservatory on mumsnet with my feet up while the kids are playing around the house and garden. I totally understand the desire to be a parent and how people meet later in life, deal with infertility etc but it would not be for me at this stage. As it is I’ve still got probably another 2 school years of doing the school run and that’s enough. Life is pretty sweet right now before we start dealing with the teen years and whatever that’s going to bring.

@menopausepluskids I fully agree with you there.
I’ve always said my limit was 39yo.

Now I’m going to say you were very lucky to have your dcs so late. And I know people who ended up in that place due to fertility issues etc…. So it’s not clear cut.
But young children are exhausting. And yes it’s harder when you’re exhausted yourself (regardiess of the reason why).

🫂🫂 and plenty of support your way.

I'll admit I feel both very happy for and rather sorry for people over 45 with very young kids! Happy because evidently these are kids very much wanted and hoped for and I'm very glad they got to have them. But a bit sorry also because it must be fucking knackering unless you can afford lots of help (and I guess some people waited until they were older so they can afford the help).

Would you have wanted the day to day tedium that comes with having young children at any age, though? You say your sister is having lie ins and holidays now in her 40s but you had those in your 20s, 30s and the first part of your 40s. If your sister’s DC have children in their 20s, then your sister will no doubt be being asked to help out with childcare and things and I imagine it is harder to say no to your children than to your sister. I also suspect that you are financially in a better position than your sister.

My parents had me in their 40s it's always seemed unfair that others get two more decades with their parents (assuming everyone lives to a decent age) but that's life.
I had my first at 16 and will not be having any after 30

Had DD at 41. Managed and enjoyed having a baby and preschooler in my 40s and primary, secondary school and college in my 50s. I'm 62 now, working almost full time and DD is at university. Again all good. Most women don't have a terrible menopause and DD and I didn't clash during her teenage years.

I am a similar age to you OP and find grandparenting utterly exhausting, the idea I couldn't return them at the end of the is terrifying. I hope you had a blast in your 20s, 30s and early 40s and can now just totally give yourself over to them 😂

I'm almost 47 with two ND kids 8 and 5 and at times I hate my life. I would add I was desperate for my children and they were very much planned. I long for idle weekend brunches, leisurely Sunday lunches and a jaunt round the med to discover Italy. I have endless birthday parties, Cbeebies 6am start and bedtime screaming matches. I hear you op.