Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

This is such tosh! As with everything there are positives and negatives to doing them at different times of life. You don’t - save very rarely - have all the good and none of the bad.

I can imagine age can make it slightly harder but I will put my money on your sister having the same thoughts when her kids were little. For me this is very telling when you asked for help.

You are in the trenches it will get easier.

I’m 51 and DD is 9 and it’s great. I
don’t think I have less energy than my friends 10 years younger or than I did with the older two DC who are now grown up. It’s pretty much the same.

Do you think this dynamic might change? Might the feeling of being ‘over’ parenting be connected to hormonal change and something which could pass?
I am quite lucky because although I know what you mean by ‘mental load’ of parenting, my younger teenagers are always easy to spend time with. They are cool people, fundamentally. Maybe others are harder to like and hang out with and even tolerate.

Wow. 48 and pregnant sounds like hell to me. Absolute hell.

It's not helpful advice OP.

We don't always have a choice of when to have children. Relationships can come and go, many of us didn't find a stable partner until later in our reproductive life.

I am really glad I waited though, looking back.
I had much less patience and wisdom in my 20s, I think my children have had a better version of me as an older mother.

Being an older parent has also allowed me to examine my health and fitness, I wanted to keep up, to have stamina, so I live a very healthy lifestyle. No booze, no smoking, good diet, and as a result I feel fitter and stronger in my 60s than when I was younger.

Goodness, I’m coming up to 51 and mine are 16 and 14. I couldn’t imagine having a 6 and 4 year old.

Hats off to you - I’m sure you’re great parents and doing your best like we all are

Did you not help your sister op? Ever? But you want your sister to help with your children?

So did and do I, and I had my children in my thirties. I don’t think that mindset around health is age related, necessarily.

I'm 62 my child is 20. Would I have been a better mum in my 20s probably not. I'm not saying it wasn't tiring /exhausting (thyroid/ menopause, worked night and had a mother with dementia) but we had great fun. The only thing I regret is leaving it too late to have a second child, I guess when you know you only have one shot at parenting a little one you just go for it. He lives at home with me and I'm about to retire 😂 so having had a blast pre child in my 20s and 30s, I'm now looking forward again to some me time. If you're feeling exhausted it's worth getting your thyroid checked. Happy parenting they're only little for such a short time x

Also lots of my friends in their 40s would love to have kids and are so sad it may not happen

So true. I've a couple of friends who, like a lot of people, waited until mid thirties to start ttc. After a couple of years failure to conceive, then investigations, then taking the IVF route they both became pregnant and both had babies over 40 - and they're both absolutely delighted, obviously. One of them is anticipating her third at 45, so she obviously feels equal to it. She's not actually pregnant yet, but the disappointment of failure is not half so bad when you have 2 children already.

At 40 is very different from 48. Personally I find it unfair on the child, if not straight up selfish, but to each their own.

Theres positives and negatives at any age. However I would expect the older you get, the more level headed you’d be when deciding to have children.

Hire help instead of asking relatives like your sister. I would expect after such a long childfree adulthood, it should be affordable.

I 100% do not want more children but love being an aunt and I’m sure I’ll also love being a grandma.

I'm the complete opposite i have endless patience now im that much older, i thought it was everyone !! but i stand corrected

I'll be 48 when my DC is 10. You're post is making me scared for the future!

I found being a teenage mum harder than I did at 40. At 18 I wanted to lie in bed not get up at 6 am. I'm a gran now and I quite happily get up at 6 am even if GC aren't here, I just wake up at 6 am, I think the natural time when I was 18 was more like 10 am.

Nah mate. I do not agree. I had my kids late and I’m bloody knackered now with a baby and pre-schooler. But I wouldn’t trade my child free 30s for anything. I was gorgeous, slim, confident, had a great job, had fuck loads of disposable income, flew the world first class dating hot rich men 😜. I am now chubby, tired and peri-menopausal but those memories mean I don’t regret a bloody thing! I’ll be telling my kids to live their life to the fullest before starting a family.

Fair enough.

It's just me that's falling apart then!

Give me some hints and tips. Elixir will do.

Definitely. Most people are still pretty youthful at 40, some still are in late forties of course and some not especially fit and well in their thirties, but the longer people leave having children, the higher the chances of you feeling tired and developing health problems.

Op, I do understand you didn't want to have kids very young, you had other things to do, but I would have thought mid-thirties was OK. It's not nice that you looked down on your sister for having them when she was young.

However it is what it is and you have to make the best of it. Don't be grouchy with your kids, it's not their fault, be nice with them and don't mention age, it's not relevant to them at the moment.

If you can afford paid help in the house, that makes a big difference and if you are very perimenopausal at 51, that won't last. Pamper yourself as much as you can, do what you like doing and allow yourself to be spoiled. Eat healthily, plan a good, relaxing family holiday. When 'perimen' is all over you'll feel better, renewed and be ready for your second wind.

Good luck.

Don't worry we aren't all the same. I had a ten year old when I was 48, I also had a 12 year old, 2 at university, a busy job and I was my husband's carer. You find the energy you need.

I'm a GP now at 57 and I love looking after my DGCs often - we do quite a lot of childcare which we love but it is so physically demanding. My body is sadly not as willing as my heart and mind! I cannot imagine having young kids now. I had mine at 25 and 30 so am now retired and financially secure. I definitely feel that is the best way round rather than doing all the travel and having kids in your 40s. I'd say 40 latest really!

Had my youngest at 36 and I feel it !

We are playing the same game as the media and pretending it all happens in a vacuum. What if you don’t have enough money to save up or any bank of Mum and Dad to rely on for financial security in your 20s and you think it’s unfair to bring kids into a financially precarious situation? It is all so difficult.

No way on gods green earth was I ready in my 20’s to Habe kids. Far too busy going on holidays, eating in restaurants and renovating my lovely house!
30’s I was ready and at 33 had my first. Perfect!

Then for around 8 years we tried and failed to have a full term healthy pregnancy.

Purely by accident at 42 I found I was pregnant. Years and years of many many miscarriages and long periods of infertility, I could not believe how lucky we were to actually have a healthy baby in our arms.

It was a miracle.

Now mid 50’s still doing school runs, heading into teenage years again, bloody love it.
Still cannot believe how lucky we are having our fabulous miracle!

I love every minute of it.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes op.
I was 31 with Ds1 and, for me, it was the right age.

I was 34 and 37. I'm now 43 and wake up in a sweaty panic after I've dreamed I'm pregnant. Absolutely not. My idea of hell.
I'm exhausted now and my kids are pretty easy.
We were some of the last of our group to have kind. We are at the wedding if the firsts in the summer. At one point my friends daughter taught my son! I do envy my friends with older kids as they have their lives back but then again I enjoyed my 20's when they were tied down.