Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

From another perspective, I had my DD at 41 and it’s been a total joy. Prior to her I really focused on travel, socialising and building my career. So now I’m established and financially secure. And I’m happy to stay in on a Saturday night which I would not have been in my 30s. So I don’t know - it can work brilliantly and if you’re your going to live a low key life then pottering around the garden,
pool, park etc is ideal.

YANBU OP

I had mine in my 20s and 30s and definitely had far more energy than I do now in my 50s.

I’m 41 and my youngest is 4. Exhausted. Can’t imagine doing it any older.

Will you really still be school running and have kids at home in your 70s? Most kids get themselves to school from age 11, when you would be in your 60s for the youngest? And they might move out at 18, you never know.

Tbh shes financially better off than us.
She down sized home cheaper bills less to pay for.

I don’t regret having children late at all. It’s not a given that adult children will be independent and some fail to launch. It’s not the same as being childfree.
Before I had kids I was able to establish a very solid career that didn’t suffer at all from maternity leave, plus I could pay off my mortgage before they were born. I have way more patience now and don’t mind being home a lot. My energy levels depend on the exercise I do, not my age.

I waited to have children when I was older. By then I realised that it looked like really hard work at any age so didn't bother.

I dont blame you.

I had ds at 45. I've loved every minute of it.

I worked full time all the way through, became a single mum when ds was 2, bought our home, we've had a good time. I'm now 62, ds is 17, 6' tall and a bit uncommunicative but generally lovely. I don't feel particularly tired.

Maybe sticking to one was what made the difference. Or being single. .

After 40 and youngest child at 48 are quite different things.

My sister had her first at 19 and her last at 45. Now I think that is crazy, but she doesn't feel like you I guess because she has never been child free in her adult life.

I had mine young, and in some ways I do feel I missed out, so hopefully you don't feel that, but I can't imagine running after a toddler now.

Mine and my mum's did too, except she had me in her mid-20s and had an early menopause. Never easy, I think!

I think it's definite swings and roundabouts OP! I had my first at 26 and my second at 33 (which I thought then was leaving it a bit late for me). I ended up getting earlyish menopause (mid/late 30's)...so I'm very lucky I have my DC, but also very glad that at 44, I'm not having to deal with a toddler/preschooler. I was looked down on for having my first in my mid 20s....but I definitely had more energy then! You had your house/marriage/career sorted by the time your first DC was born....I had a career but retrained when my eldest was little and it took me longer to work my way up in new career due to wrangling two DC.

Being single probably 😂

Not every parent is going to say yes to doing child care i know i wont be.

I had mine in my 20's and am nearly 50 so now both adults, I couldn't do it now, my body is falling apart, but that may be due to bringing up 2 kids!! 😂

You’re very lucky.
I think the bottom line is that having enough energy at 50yo to deal with young children is simply that. Luck.

I love having teenagers in my 60s. An unexpected joy. (Dc at 41 and 43, 61 now).

I had kids in my late teens and then had 2 at 40 and 43, I had a lot more patience with the last 2 but physically and mentally it was exhausting, I definitely wouldn't recommend having them later on!

Yep! I’m the youngest in this scenario and I’ll never, ever forgive my parents for it. 40 they were and bloody knackered before we even started primary. Now I’m an adult and neurologically disabled (apparently very likely because of my mum’s age!) and in desperate need of support but everyone is dead except one of my parents who is far too old for any real support of any kind. Thankfully I don’t need childcare as that would’ve been impossible.
So incredibly selfish

Had mine at 25 and 30. I think my career would suffer much more now than it did when I was younger - it would be very hard to cover my maternity leave looking after a large team, I would feel far more stressed and guilty that I ever did taking leave with decent cover at a more junior level.

That said, I think 3-6 were the most exhausting ages by far - they need constant mental and physical attention. It’s so so much easier now! You might get a lovely second wind in a few years time.

I am 54 with a 6 year old granddaughter. I love her to bits and spend loads of time with her, but my goodness, I could not have dealt with the toddler years in my 50's. I do all the best bits, but don't have any of the parenting load and everything that comes with it.

Had my children at 23 and 30. No regrets whatsoever. You must be utterly shattered.

It does get better. Wishing you all the best.

There's a heck of a lot difference between 41 and 48/9. I'm 50 and have a 3 year old granddaughter...

41-45, all good, I'm working, I'm walking 10 miles a day - Daughter born at 33 so she's off up to Secondary school (covid allowing)

In the last 3 years I have had to have bowel investigation, colonoscopy plus a CT.
I had melanoma skin cancer removed from my foot. Walking wasn't exactly easy.
I have been haemorrhaging blood and clots for over 6 months now. I've had an MRI and next week is hysteroscopy and biopsy.
I've developed neuropathy
I'm only 8 or 9 years older than you. These things hit me like a brick.

I can only wish you good health, honestly. 41 isn't so bad but I can see why @menopausepluskids is knackered with kids in her 50s.

Unfortunately our health does take a turn and I couldnt be meno with 2 young kids and a husband. I just couldn't do it.

Another one of those threads..it feels like every few months there is one of these.😫

Had my first at 19 and all four by the time I was 27. I’m 40 now and the idea of babies/toddlers makes me shudder. I’m on the home stretch to independence (another 5 years and they’ll all be adults) and boy am I glad I had them young.