Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

Im 43 and I am much more exhausted than I have ever been. I am not sure why really. I do a lot but I have always done a lot. There is. No way in the world I could handle a toddler now. My mum had my half sister when she was 42 so it’s been on my mind. I physically couldn’t do it now and I spent many years desperate for another baby as I lost my third baby boy (Sids) and I had always wanted to bring up 3 children. My 3 remaining children are teenagers now and I do a lot for them, which keeps me busy but I went on a weekend away with my sister and her 3 year old recently. Never again. She was an absolute nightmare and I was exhausted for days afterwards.
Im a single parent as well so I think I’m just completely worn out and as my youngest is 16 I think my body is just telling me I’m absolutely done and need a rest now!

Good luck to anyone who does have one later but it’s not for me.

That was meant to say my 2 children. I have 2 teenage children.
I always wanted to bring up 3/4.

Do not tell your children this... tell them you love them! End of...

They will know you find parenting exhausting... but don't make them think you regret having them..

My daughter asked me the other day if I was glad the baby phase was over.. I said no... I loved being a Mum when they were little and I still love being a Mum. It's different, there are good things and challenging things with every stage.

My daughter can read me like a book... I don't lie to her.. but there are some thoughts I keep to myself.. I know they could have a lasting effect when the thought itself is a thought but not the whole truth, but if it is taken by her mean more, then it may change the way she thinks about her childhood.

We assign a lot of blame to our parents for all sorts of things.. no one is perfect... but we don't need to give them things to hang a future narrative on... make them feel loved.. that is enough. Save the rest for friends, Mumsnet, late night chats with your partner..

Same. I was in my early 20s.

💐

I agree with your mother. Early 30s is the cut off and even then I was knackered compared to the 20s

Thanks for your honesty OP
Take good care of yourselves

I had my first dc at 32, second at 40. I love having an 11 year old at 51 and enjoyed their toddler years more, being older.

I think 40 and 48 is quite different though OP. Among my own social circle, having kids around 40 was common. I do have one friend who had her one and only at 47, and whilst tired at 50, she is loving it - as she never imagined it would ever happen.

I do think there are many variables that make it harder or easier, but 40 nowadays isn't old to have a baby. 48 is. I don't want to minimise your feelings, but you are extremely lucky to have had 2 after age 45 - said, assuming you chose to.

Er @TheBig50I had my daughter at 41 and I’m in my 50s now! Thankfully I’m in great health.

I think this every time one of those threads comes up saying, ‘am I too old I try for a baby at 45?’ And there are a bunch of replies with uplifting stories of how it’s never too late, there’s no age limit on love, their mate had triplets at 60 and still runs ultra-marathons, etc.

I had mine at 40 and I am done the fuck in trying to balance DCs considerable needs (SEN) & a parent with early stage dementia. And too many pets who are now all elderly. I love them all. But it’s a lot.

If I had my time again I’d budget my love more carefully, between fewer creatures and on a different timescale. I’d still choose to have my DC, but ten years earlier. And I’d stick to one cat. And I’d have the good sense to sacrifice intellectual fulfilment and sense of higher purpose to pursue a desperately well-paid career so I could set my mum up in a luxury old folks’ home and afford plenty of help so I didn’t end up a cranky overstretched mess of a parent for my DC.

I'm 35 and couldn't imagine doing it all again now. There would be not a chance in hell. Mine are almost 14 and 12!

Is it a surprise? I had DD at 40. DM is 83. I travelled in my youth- I lived life, fit and healthy. I’m now old and not so fit 🤣 Life choices and all.

If you pictured leisure time, wine, sun, lying on a sun bed at this age - it was a bad choice! What had you imagined it would be like?

Things will calm down I promise, but you chose this and yes it is hard. It’ll be okay though! Hang in there!

I say this to my friends all the time especially the ones dawdling under the guise of “living life”: you are never going to regret having kids, but you might regret waiting too long. Every year you delay is a year your future children don’t get with you and a year less you get with them.

This is exactly why I started young-ish and had three kids in four years. I had my third just before my 33rd birthday. By the time I’m 43, I’ll have a 13-, 11-, and 10-year-old and will be through the baby and toddler phase.

Our parents are still young and able to help, and by our 40s, my husband and I will have the freedom to enjoy adult life again—with older, more independent kids and our energy still intact.

Here (sp)

It's exhausting. I delayed having them due to an all consuming teaching job and didn't have any maternal instinct but when my mum died for some reason I changed my mind. I'm now 58. I had them at 38 and 41 and loved it when they were younger but the teenage years have been relentless and now going through gcse and a levels at the same time with them both has nearly finished me off. Older son has severe anxiety and mental health issues and cant see him ever holding down a job or being independent. The younger one is considerably more mature than him but is probably neurodivergent so has some issues. Add to that the menopause and a really stressful year at work (also working with children)
I'm done. I think having them younger would have been better as more energy maybe and more in common with them. . Everyone else I know the same age as me or younger has them off their hands now.

I'm sure if you'd had kids in your twenties or thirties you'd have been feeling broke and nackered back then,.
Obviously being older makes it harder, but it sounds like you are doing your best, so don't beat yourself up about anything, everyone has good and bad days, I'm sure you are doing a great job, and if anyone tells you differently, tell them to F off xx

I think we can see there are as many opinions here as there are parents! None of us can claim that one age or the other is 'best' (other than for us personally) because we are all different and so are our kids. For my part, lots of you sound much older than I feel. I'm 48 and had my one and only daughter at 40. For my husband and me it's been great and, I think, for her too. We're a happy little unit. I'd have been a disastrous mother (and wife) any younger. Sure, I'm quite tired, but so is everyone I know! I don't think it's being an older parent, particularly. But it's different for different people. I'm also quite lively, and I'm lucky to have good health. The one thing I would say is that I'm very, very glad we didn't have a second! But I'm not convinced that's just because of my age - I'm not sure I'd have done well with two at any age.

To be honest it sounds like having children wasn’t the right thing for you at all. But too late to realise that. So you will just have to make the most of it.

Don’t blame your sister to throw back that you were prepared to help her when she had wee ones. You reap what you sow.

A very wise post @ChateauMargaux.Today my oldest sons partner announced to me and DH that she is 13 weeks pregnant she is early 40's? and I worry for her and all the comments on this thread haven't helped.
The age of the couple, in this instance, becoming first time parents is not through choice its down to not finding that right person that you want to have a child with until slightly later in life!

I disagree.

I think of course you can embrace life and have the time of your life in your 40s and beyond, of course you can.
But there's nothing like feeling young while you are actually being and looking young. I think your 20s and 30s are great for being footloose and fancy free and then have your kids afterwards. You get to the point where when you've had two decades of randomness, fun and uncertainty, having kids (while obviously hard) can seem like a welcome anchoring for your 'second youth'.

I didn’t meet DH until 28 so married in 2001. Took a year to have DD1 then a MC then DD2. Had DS at 40 and now 55 and I’m back running and doing my hobbies now they are older. You can’t help what age you meet your other half.

My health is utterly f*cked at 42. There's no way I would cope having two DC in my 50s. I am exhausted most days. Had mine 24, 27, 32 and 34.

Of course the people that have already had the children they want are going to say they can't imagine it. Because you had them when you wanted to, good for you.
I guess it depends on your lifestyle. We are pretty chilled as a family, 2nd child was a breeze as a baby and toddler. I think I am more chilled because I was eventually able to have her, before then I had an empty space in my heart and even though I had one child I didn't feel complete.
I'm in a job I've been in a long time so I have the flexibility to give them my time and have the headspace for them. Both kids love their beds so there's never been any of this early start nonsense. We have great family support and for both of us our priority is very much our children so there is never any wishing we were doing other things.

But for some women, having had kids earlier contributes directly or indirectly to their health being fucked. Most of the childless/childfree women i know in their 40s and 50s are in fighting form because they've been able to dedicate time and effort to their fitness and health, which means they would probably be better equipped physically to have a kid in their 40s than the average woman already with children in their 40s

Early 40s is probably fine - OP is in her 50s, which is a totally different kettle of fish.