Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

With all due respect, you were mid to late 40's and there is a big difference between that and someone having a child around 40-42 which is the more usual age range. The challenges you've listed are just usual parental challenges.

Also confused as to how you're still going to have kids in your 70's....

It's a bit ott to assume your child will still be at home ages 28 no?

If you have one at 36 and they had kids at 36 you'd only be 72 and very likely to be alive and have time left ?

That's assuming the child wants a family.

OP what’s your relationship with your sister like? Because although I can easily believe parenting young children is knackering at this age, it sounds like some of what you are feeling is due to your relationship with her. You mentioned she didn’t babysit because you didn’t help her when she was a young mum so wondering how close you are.

Older age often comes with more patience, better financial security, further career progress, more varied life experience, etc, which can be an advantage before becoming a parent. Although the idea of being an empty nester by late 40s is appealing, I know that I would not have been the mum I want to be, or even much or a good mother, it I was a younger mother.

Also recommend connecting with other mums of a similar age as much as possible. Building community can help a lot.

Interesting because in my marriage, i'm the one with young parents and my husbands are older.

It's my in laws who help with childcare because mine are young and can't retire for quite some time.

So it's not as black and white as that.

I had one in my early 20s and one in my 30s and I can feel the difference. I think what made parenting easier in my 20s was a combination of naivety, family being very involved (mum was a young grandma) and the desperation to do something with my life meaning I pushed for a career etc and had the energy to run around - now I can’t Even afford a hangover! I’m now in my 30s I’ve caught up to a lot of my child free friends. But I don’t feel like I missed out on much as I love being at home.

I know 30 isn’t old, but the biggest challenge for me is that when you are older, you have your life, your set in your ways and whilst I’m grateful and love my kids, I have more to sacrifice - a little more to balance and a little less energy. But I am definitely more mature, more settled, I know myself and I feel like I am giving a better version of me to my second child.

I guess there will always be ups and downs regardles.

I know so many people in their early 70's who are in great health and living busy, full lives. The way people describe it on here is bizarre.

THIS 👏

Women love to tear each other down.

I dunno, I just see lots of women talking about their own different experiences. Only a few go out of their way to pick a fight - and that’s the internet for you, not women.

What this got to do with it? This situation is anticipatory and OP situation is reality. Please keep up

I think children are knackering at any age if your a solo family unit with no downtime it's relentless. My children are the same age and I'm close to 40 I'm still knackered OP.

I notice the difference with friends who have the regular downtime and others like me who don't. I also wouldn't want my mum having the kids regularly just because I think it's too much and she's been through enough last 5 years.

We found going on holidays with kids clubs to be the best thing so we do get a few hours to breathe helps.

I'm 42 and have a 5 and 3 year old. While I would have preferred to have children 5-10 years earlier, I was missing one crucial ingredient! Met DH at 33 and the rest followed.
I occasionally yearn for a lie in, or more importantly a night away together (my mum is 77 and we have no village so to speak) but I look at the beautiful family we've created and the yearning passes pretty quickly.
I certainly made the most of my 18-33 years with travelling, partying and generally doing whatever I liked. DC are growing like runner beans before my eyes so I'm sure it won't be long until they're self sufficient and I get that lie in. Not sure I'll celebrate it though 🥺

I think it’s swings and roundabouts - you had opportunities and experiences when you were young that young mothers didn’t. I had my kids late-ish (36 & 39) so perhaps I’d feel differently if I was 10 years older.

My youngest woke me up at 4am this morning so I’m not feeling a million dollars but I’m not sure being 25 would change that 😂

I'm a new mum and have never read judgemental comments about motherhood from a man yet ..

45 and 48 is amazing.
This has given me hope of having another child as I'm knocking on the door of forty and single I want another one so badly.
Did you have ivf or egg donor or conceive naturallly?

In your shoes all budget would go on childcare help. Can you get someone to do a couple hours in the morning school run etc?
Or to come with you on big days out to do the running around the playgrounds?
An au pair might be ideal? Or lodger that would have rent reduced for every hour of babysitting my friend has a nursery nurse lodger that does that and it's great

Could you pay your almost grown up niece or nephew to babysit?

I ponder how the OPs friends felt when she was living it up and they were dealing with nappies.

This is about the grass always being greener and not appreciating the life you have when you have it

Did you do donor IVF or were they naturally conceived? Is their Dad involved to share the load?

Why have 2 though? You should have stuck with one

This is spot on.

I’m in my 50s and have teenagers. It’s great.

A family member had her first at 47. The thought of having a toddler/ pre schooler as she hits the peri menopause fills me with fear. Not to mention the teenage years in her early 60s.

Yes, generations of women have had babies into their late 40s. But the difference was such babies tended to be the last. There were other siblings to help look after the little one. My mum was 17 when her youngest sibling was born and they all helped out.

@menopausepluskidsyou are definitely in a tricky position. The only thing you can do is screw your practical head on and crack on. GP appt to check thyroid levels, vit D etc. HRT? And pay for babysitting as and when you can.

Same happened here, it was pretty bad a times and poor Dh had us at one end of the spectrum and the other.
Other than that, no regrets, she's now at Uni and doing us proud.

I doubt there are threads after threads of men out there debating whether having kids when you're 20 or having them when you're 53 is better, they just have their kids and accept it as their life and live it, right?

How do women just decide to have a baby at 53 and just live it? Biology matters here. The vast majority of women simply cant "just" have a baby at 53 in the same way as a man can at 53. I'm still having regular periods at 51 so still ovulating. But my eggs are 53 years old. Dhs sperms are months old. To say I could leave having children until after 50 like dh could just isn't true ( unless I had thousands for donor eggs which isn't as simple as just buying them easily). Science matters still. How woman fall pregnant easily past 50? I know some do but they don't tend to be first time mums.

@Fragmentedbrain - not sure why you are still having a dig about my life choices. Of course women have needs after having kids but in my case I was happy to put the needs of my children above my own and I was lucky because we had the means to do so. I left my career which had fulfilled me for 20 years and became a sahm which I absolutely adored and I have no regrets. I admire people who manage to juggle childcare with full time jobs but that was not an option for us with no family nearby to help.

Also it’s the lack of havign a village which makes parenting hard at any age these days too tbf

Doesn't mean men don't make comments behind your back? 🙄