Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

If it makes you feel any better, my mum had me at 24 but her menopause and my adolescence definitely clashed! Early menopause!

I had my second (and last) on my 30th birthday. I am 45 now and when I see women my age pushing prams it gives me the shudders. I could not think of anything worse.

Pros and Cons. Yes it's knackering, but... once you have kids, you always have kids. Even when they are grown ups you still feel that bond and worry if they are not happy/ill/in danger etc. I am SO glad I lived a huge part of my life before having them. Travelled, had jobs that are totally incompatible with child-rearing. If I'd had them younger, I'd have survived the sleepless nights more easily and may have had more energy for life once they'd grown, but that wouldn't replace the extra decades of having no one else to really worry about while you live your life.

Yep maybe the older mum hype is calming down now some are speaking up about it.

I had my first and second at 19 and 25, planned to enjoy my freedom in my 40’s….then I had my third and fourth at 37 and 39, I’m 40 now and exhausted 🥴. Very very fortunate however to get to do it all again.

Gosh, I agree with you - I'm 54 and cannot even imagine having little ones now. I had my first baby at 19 and last at 29 (5 babies in 10 years!) I didn't struggle with the lack of sleep and had plenty of energy back then but I was still tired at the end of the day once I'd got them all fed, bathed and into bed!

Can't offer much in the way of advice except maybe getting an au pair/home help? If you can outsource some of the physical hard work of looking after them, I definitely would! As long as you're available for cuddles and bedtime stories, they will still feel the love and better for them to have a rested mum than an exhausted one.

I am so glad I married and had kids youngish! By 48 both kids will be 18… I’m enjoying them so much right now but (all being well 🙏🤞) my husband and I will have some freedom back before we are too old to properly enjoy it. Classic rally across Europe - see you in 2035 😂

I just hate this kind of response. We can’t possibly moan about things we have just in case there may be someone out there who is worse off 🙄

Of course it’s bloody exhausting at any age but more so when you are older yourself. I was an older mum for my second one and they have soooooo much energy. It’s literally “mum play with me” alllllll the time. And I just want to chill. Or hide. I also wish I could have done it earlier but circumstances didn’t allow that.

So we get on with it. We do our best. And we hide when we can. I’ve found tag teaming with DH at the weekend helped. One lie in each. A few hours to ourselves, taking it in turn to be on duty. And lowering my expectations of what I can achieve. And not comparing myself to the other mums on the school run. Do whatever it takes to survive the day with your mental health in tact.

Yup, I was 20&22 when I had my 2. Not a chance would I have another now I'm 28 🤣

This is painfully familiar 🫠 but I do feel like I've been able to enjoy parenting more at this age.

But it’s swings and roundabouts isn’t it. Bet you had a ball in your 20s/30s. Lie ins, holidays, money to spend on yourself, while your sister was probably tired and broke.

Same - I’ll be 42 late this year and I have a 16 year old and 13 year old. I love them fiercely but I have to admit, I’m looking forward to a bit of midlife freedom. And rest! 😮‍💨 However I did miss out in my twenties and thirties on all the lovely social activities, weekends completely “off”, and holidays my peers were having then.

It's just so boring.. and frankly no one else's business what age you have children. As long as you take good care of your children. And people seem to forget it's simply not always a choice what age you have your children. Some people aren't that blessed to get pregnant that easily - it can take years.

I may have missed the freedom but didn’t feel like I was missing out. Basically, the kids came along at the right stage in life for me.

You can disagree as much as you like but given you have no experience of being a young mother you’re not in a position to say it’s not a young woman’s game. I completely agree that it is. It was bad enough dealing with teenage in my late 30s, absolutely horrific in your 60s.

I truly believe you have more patience, empathy and wisdom having kids later. You have had time to establish a career and a home. Having a baby at 23 I had no patience and was such a stress head. Trying to balance building a career, and keeping a roof over our heads while having no sleep is not easy. Having kids at any age is hard. your body can cope better when your younger, but your mind can cope better older.

Nonsense, OP. Spend your twenties and thirties doing just what you please, then take some time out to have a child after — no FOMO, enjoyable change of pace etc, and you’re in a way better work situation because you’re senior enough to be flexible.

Absolutely not a cats chance in hell would I have a baby in my 40’s!
I have 2 kids. My eldest has just turned 18, youngest is 15.
I am 41, husband is 43 and life is good. Kids are pretty much self sufficient, we can go out where we want, when we want.
There is no way I’d even have the energy or inclination to go through it all at my age now.
We’ve done it all, working, training, bringing up kids over the last 20 years and now it’s time to reap the benefits of being younger parents!

Not for everybody, I had my first at 16 and honestly think I was a more patient person back then than I am now

In an ideal world I'd have had both my children in my 30s but my fertility (or lack of) put paid to that! Had my 2nd at 40 and am loving life.

I may be weird but I miss all the kids telly and activities! I would consider another, but then, I'm lucky enough to own my property outright and also more importantly have two older kids, including one who had delays, so I roughly know what to expect. With my first I couldn't imagine an end to all the crying and night waking- now I'd take it in my stride as I've been through it and know it does end!
It helps that I did so much wining/travelling/dining when I was young that it holds little appeal!

Had my one and only at 28 and thought I was going to die of exhaustion during the early baby months, it was if my blood was too tired to go round my veins. I used to think i was going to pass out with tiredness. Looking back there may have been something wrong with me as it took me months to recover from the birth. That was back in the days when you just got told "it's all part of the joys of motherhood" when I tried to speak to the doctor about it. But i digress, personally it would have been my ideas of hell to have a baby in my 40's but I do know a couple of women who did and they both seemed so much more relaxed but it was a second child in a new relationship for both of them so maybe there is a difference when you are a first time mum in your 40's. I also think there is huge difference in energy levels between early 40's and age 48. Babies are lovely, but oh they need so much from you.

The older ive got the less patients i have.

I think there is a really small window that is the ideal age and the chances of everything coming together at that exact time is unrealistic for so many women. In an ideal world I would have mine at 32 and 34. Not too young, not too old. But to have all your shit together with Mr Right and your job and everything else is where timings go wayward. By the time I married and then fell pregnant after IVF, we lost three years. So I was 35 and 38, which isn’t ancient but fuck me, I’m in my mid forties now and knackered and will have strong willed teenage girls in my mid fifties.

BUT of my friends that did have babies in their 20s, all have split up with their husbands and are on to the next ones with teenage kids and stepfamily dramas to navigate.

Me too. My tolerance for everything has decreased with age.