Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

Exactly, The very idea of having a baby at 53 is ludicrous. There are some utterly ridiculous posts on here honestly. Even suggesting trying to conceive or have IVF at 45-48 is bad enough, but 53? Come on! And I extend this to men too!

I was actively TTC at 45 (saw it as my last throw of the dice after multiple miscarriages). Got pregnant the first month of trying, no IVF etc. It can happen.

But many women CAN get pregnant - the danger is also wrongly assuming for no good reason that you can't (you still have periods, you can...), not taking normal precautions and falling pregnant.

I am not saying you should get pregnant at 53, but you most certainly can. *edited: SOME / MANY women can. It's not the age the factor.

In the same way as some girls believe they can't get pregnant they first time they had sex (why?), women should be not so silly and recognise they can still get pregnant until menopause, age is irrelevant.

I think there are pros and cons to having earlier or later… impact is still the same really just different life stages. For me at 47 I am thankful I had my babies at 29 and 34… because in my personal experience my body isn’t as resilient so I now have more time to take care of myself. My older dc will look the younger one due to age gap and will sometimes collect her from school, babysit if either parent is going out ( as we are divorced). She even took her sister to the optician off her own back. We will miss the help when she goes off to uni in Sept as she took a gap year!

@menopausepluskids If your child was struggling to conceive, heartbroken about this, and having fertility treatment, would you tell them not to bother to continue to try after 40?

I’m not sure if you deliberately planned to have children so late in life. I think that makes a difference, and is relevant to the advice you say you’ll give to your children on not having children past 40.

I'm intrigued (as well as being in awe - 5 in 10 years!) Do you now feel your life is your own or is there a part of your brain and your emotional resources that is always set aside, on alert for their well-being, so you never quite switch off from being their mum even though they are grown?

I do think a part of your brain is always thinking about your kids, even when they're grown! Luckily they all live nearby so they drop in often (usually raid my fridge for leftovers 😂) and we meet up for coffee or lunch too. I do feel that I have my freedom back mostly though. I did many years of being up at 6am and enjoy a lie in now ☺️

@Purplehat123

Every year you delay is a year your future children don’t get with you and a year less you get with them

I never gave it any thought at the time, but you're right of course. I had my children when I was in my early 20s. I'm now 67 and my "children" are in their early and mid 40s and my eldest grandchild is 14. I hope to live to see my grandchildren grow up and maybe even get to meet my great grandchildren (although that's rather unlikely, sadly, if current trends towards later motherhood continue).

Every year you delay is a year your future children don’t get with you and a year less you get with them

It doesn't work that way. DM was 23 when she had me and died when I was 15. Now statistically it's more likely that a woman who becomes a mother at 40 will die when their child is around that age but it's not a given by any means. Plus 40 years with your child/parent is enough. More might be better but it is enough.

Those of you who had children in your 20s/early 30s - how did you meet your partners?
Was it straight forward to progress to marriage and children (or just the commitment of children if marriage wasn’t for you)? I’m genuinely curious.

Usual really - fell in love, got married, had a baby. It’s pretty universal.

I had kids from 40. No issues with menopause. No issues with fatigue. No issues with menopause I take hrt. I am fairly wealthy and fit though.

That sounds really lovely. I do think you’ve been lucky.

Met when I was 19. I already worked full time and had my own rented flat. Had a 'scare' got used to the idea then lost it. So actually tried. The rest is history! Had DC1 when I was 21 and DC2 when I was 23. We're still together nearly 16 years later, own our home now. Still aren't married.

@K0OLA1D Thanks for sharing your experience and sorry for your loss all those years ago.

OP I am with you. I’m 51 with a 8 yo and constantly frazzled, exhausted and looking with unveiled envy at everyone who did this earlier.

I wanted to start earlier but it just never happened that way. I am a bit surprised at all the people saying ‘I wanted them by X age’ as if things always go to plan. I had my first m/c at 33, a story that kept going until I was 41 (including being rushed to A and E with a particularly painful m/c on my 40th birthday, nice!). At 41 we decided to stop trying and to start the adoption process but that takes a while. And I finally became a mum to an 18 mo aged 44. I love my DS to bits and feel honoured to be his mum. But bloody hell is it HARD. Ive got absolutely zero family support, all my old friends have moved past this stage and are enjoying their lives again and I’m immersed in PTA and Cubs and swimming lessons with other women who are mostly 15 years younger than me.

OP, where abouts are you? I could do with another geriatric mum mate to whinge about all this with (no offence!)

Thank you. I still think what they'd have been like to this day.

All of us do. My second son would have been 48 last month, I often wonder what path his life would have taken.

I had my two at 17 and 42 - People thought I was crazy too! But I actually had nearly 10 years in between of my first born being pretty much independent (apart from needing help with general adult child stuff) and going on child-free holidays etc! I’ve enjoyed parenting at both ages (so far!) - I still can’t imagine looking after more than child at a time though!

This is how I felt too! I had my son young and so got my ‘freedom’ back when my son left home at 18 for uni (I was 35) and then I got kinda bored of it after a while, so I had my second (a girl) at 42! I feel like most things are actually more fun with a child to share them with! (Just don’t ask me to look
after two at the same time!)

How did your son feel about it? Mine would have been mortified.

@blossomtoes I thought my son would be and was actually quite worried about telling him but he was cool about it (albeit v surprised!) He always liked being an only child but said it was ok now he was an adult (and he wouldn’t have to be woken up by a baby too regularly)

How nice to hear a couple of you say things were nicer and more fun when there was a child around to share them with. Really nice.

@menopausepluskidssorry things are tough for you at the moment. I hope you get some rest. Hopefully things will feel like they’ve paid off a bit when you’re out of this stage and you can have some breathing space. But I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job, you did say your children are a joy most of the time. Also lovely to hear.

I’m sure you do. I think of the first I lost too. I had a few more losses since, but the first one stayed with me and left quite the emotional scar.