Hears why not to have kids past 40

[menopausepluskids]

Light hearted (not).

I`ll start by saying i adore my children love them very much they are a joy most times.
But i want a bit of a rant on why i shall tell my kids not to have kids after 40.
Im 51 i have a 3 and 6 year old and i really thought i could do this.
Love them but wish i had them younger.

My mum is to old to help with child care.
Im tired and just want to sit or potter about not have to deal with nappies and potty training.
My mother always said if you want kids have them before 35 so you have freedom back.
No i wanted to live and i did but now i want to go on holiday at my age in peace read books do paintings cant do that now.

My youngest sister has two kids that are adults now and shes living it up as i say shes just turned 40 and had amazing birthday in spain.
Yes i was jealous a bit.
I admit i did look down at her when the kids were young i looked down on a lot of younger mums and im sorry (i didnt know how hard it was).

My life is now tantrums toys schools mum mum mum crying and waking at no later than 6am every day.

My friends and my sister have the perfect lifes lay in on the week ends dont have to cook go away at the drop of a hat.
Always plaining something.
Me i have to deal with dinners bath times etc.
I asked my sister to babysit for me a few months back and she flat out said no her right followed with you didnt help me.

My husband is full on but we did agree with each other we did leave it late.
Now my friend have grown up kids and doing different things while im stuck skint and well alittle jealous.
I will be telling my kids if you want kids when your older dont have them past 40.

I sit and think fuck me im still going to be school running and still have kids at home in my 70s.
Given my time again i would not do it or at least had them in my 30s.
Mix it all up with peri menopause lovely.

This is my karma isn`t it.

I cannot disagree more with the majority of posters. I was a mum in my early 20s, stressed, impatient and poor. Now I have "chosen" to be mum again at 53 and it is a joy. More money, soooo much more patience. I am "giving" so much more than when my dc were young.
So much wisdom and have learnt to pick my battles with them.
Enjoy them op, they are a gift. Stop being envious of others. You had your time being footloose and fancy free.
Some people never get the chance xx

I was 40 when I had DS and don’t identify with much of your post. Sure other people are getting their lives back a bit at my age but they missed out on the years and years of carefree selfishness in their 20s and/or 30s that I had. Swings and roundabouts 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do agree with you op. I had my children later in life too. However I think parenthood is knackering however old you are. Young women in their 20s are also exhausted.

The main worry for me is dying and leaving my dc alone as I am a single parent. A family member younger than me recently died leaving a ten year old child and this is my dread. If I had had my child ten or fifteen years earlier that is more time they would have had me around as a parent.

I mean I'm sure your sister felt like this when hers were little and you were off living life. If you didn't help or empathise at the time you can hardly be surprised she's doing the same to you now?

I had mine in my twenties. I’m now in my forties and have grandchildren who I adore but it’s exhausting even for a night! I couldn’t do it, hats off to you!

I absolutely have my freedom back and my dc are great people. We go out together often for meals and shows etc. sorry

When mine reached 18 I was completely done with the mental labour of parenting. When my eldest comes home from uni we make each other miserable. Next 2 DDs are moved out permanently. 16 y o DSS is thankfully v easy. And desperate to move out. I’ll be helping him.

This is a helpful reframe. Also, as @HazelBite mentions, it’s not always a choice to wait so long. I tried for 7 years before DC was born. And if I’d had DC at 25 it would have been in the context of a fairly awful relationship.

But if anyone’s not 100% sure they want kids in the first place, and is thinking about giving it a go in their mid 40s, I’d advise them to think very pragmatically about demands of mid-life, their current energy levels (and their partner’s!), support network, financial situation, etc.

For some lucky people age is just a number, but for most of us it does come with increasing health issues, decreased energy, and a shit ton of complex caring responsibilities for elderly relatives.

I do understand that having such little ones at your age would be really exhausting and my personal cut off for having anymore children is 40. On the other hand I'm really glad I didn't have children in my 20s because I got to spend them doing what I wanted, growing, learning, figuring myself out etc.

I didn't have my first until 34 (im now 36) and although I find parenting tiring I also feel like iv not only had my 34 years of freedom, but I now get to relive all of the magical things I experienced as a child, with my own child. Yes it is very hard work but you are getting to see and do so many things with your little ones for the first time and experience those magical moments again through them. That's what I would focus on 😊

From the child’s perspective…….

I was born when my parents were 40, I was their pride and joy - my five sisters called me Golden Boy, and they still do to this day.

But I was an orphan at the age of 32, meaning that we missed so many big moments together.

I’ll never get over their loss.

Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐.

I'm a "mum" again at 53 and loving it. So much more money, patience and wisdom.
I didn't get to "enjoy" being a mum in my 20s, due to relationship difficulties, so stressed, poor and erm clueless.
Enjoy being a granny to this wee miracle ❤️ 💕

I’d have more sympathy for you if you hadn’t been so high and mighty over your sister having them young, and sounds like you wouldn’t baby sit for her or help her because she made her bed so you thought she should lie in it.
Now it’s your turn. You could do maths and knew you’d be 70 with kids in uni. But you’ve had a great younger life and your 30s were free. You’re just doing it in reverse.

You never know when your parents will die. My mum was 18 when she had me died before I got to 40... my sister wasn't even 30. So having them early does not necessarily mean you won't lose your parents early.

I do sympathise but try to enjoy these children of yours, OP. You must be wonderfully fertile!
Did you manage to get the mortgage paid off before starting a family at 45?

@

Had mine at 37 and 41. I hate my life right now, at 45, with a 3 and 7 year old.

I’m in Perimenopause and my hormones are not aligned with nurturing. I feel like a totally different person to who I used to be and I feel so guilty about how I feel - which is mainly like I want to run away and never come back.

When i had my kids in my late twenties the number of people who twittered 'oh gosh you're still so young' as if I was a teenage mum, was enormous!

Now early 40's with teenagers and it feels great and I'm so glad I got on with it. I still feel young and definitely feel I engage better with the kids and their friends than some of the mums who are in their 50's.

I honestly feel I had mine at the perfect time - I was married and had bought a home so we were secure financially, but we never got used to stuff like posh child free holidays so it didn't feel like we were giving stuff up. Now our careers are developing nicely at just the right time because the kids are old enough that childcare etc isn't a concern.

Completely agree. I was 41 and my Ds is the best thing I did. Only child. I wouldn’t recommend waiting if you are in your early to mid thirties fertility wise but no issue otherwise. My friends int heir twenties were equally knackered! It’s very child
dependent.

I had twins just after turning 42, peri and 2 year old twins was sheer hell

I had all 3 of mine by my early 20s.Now in my 50s and i am so glad i had them young. I don't know where i would have found the energy to go through the health issues that hit me in my 50s, put up with the menopause, look after my elderly dad when he was dying and have a child or a teenager. One of those is bad enough but all of them together is pure hell. Thank goodness i pushed for sterilisation at 23. I need a day of rest after i have my baby Granddaughter now. Leave childbearing to the young ones.

I'm mid-40s with a 9 year old and I feel like I 'lived it up' in my 20s in a way I wouldn't want to now. I'd rather be doing the school run now than then - I wouldn't be half the mum I am if I was even 10 years younger. I definitely done it the right way round.

A girl I went to school with was married straight out of school and both her kids are in their 20s now and she's travelling with her husband and seems to be having a great time.

I think the difference is having one child as opposed to more. Literally ten times as exhausting 😭

But maybe you find the GC exhausting not because you are in your forties, but because you depleted yourself birthing and raising children. I am late forties and reckon I would be quite energetic without having done the physical and mental labour of child rearing! (I have loved it all BTW, but it’s taken its toll)

👍

I’m so happy I had kids older (38 & 42), I had 18 yrs of adulthood, living my best life without a care in the world, travelling, going out at the drop of a hat and living in different countries. And now I get to live the next 18 yrs fully devoted to my DC’s. And I don’t feel any more exhausted than I did when I was hungover in my 20’s and 30’s! ;)