Odd message from new piano teacher

[Plainplantain]

DD (7) has done a bit of piano at school for the last 2 years. We are not happy with her progress, she doesn't seem to be getting the full 30 mins and she misses different subjects at school to do her classes. So we gave her teacher her notice and started looking for someone else outside school.

We found someone who advertised locally in a shop window. We looked him up online and were happy. Spoke to him on the phone, he said he comes to pupils homes and that it's very important that I stay with them in the room. All good.

He came yesterday after DD's school. I let him in and he got on with the lesson, I sat in the living room with them but about 2 meters behind not interfering with the lesson. He turned to me very assertively and said I have to stay next to them and watch so I know how to help DD with her practice. I complied and moved next to them.

He worked with DD on a song that was a little challenging for her and he said for now she could just work on half of it. Then we had a discussion about the books we needed to buy and then he started packing away. So I said to him, would it be ok for him to play the song she needs to work on so she knows what it is supposed to sound like and what to aim for. He said, oh of course.. sat at the piano and played the song beautifully. DD was very inspired and after he left, she practiced and it sounded almost as it should so that was definitely worth it.

Today in the afternoon (24 hours later) I got this message from him saying very bluntly that I don't need to tell him that he has to play the song for DD. She will get plenty of opportunities to hear him play and that he is a qualified teacher and has been teaching for 32 years and knows what he's doing. My role is to just sit and watch so I know how to help DD. Then he said see you all next week at 4pm.

I'm perplexed. I couldn't have been more polite and accommodating, didn't ask many questions, I went along with everything he asked.. and I just find it rude and so unnecessary. I didn't want to interfere in the lesson at all and I was happy to sit back and watch from a distance. It just left a bad taste in my mouth and I wonder if its a red flag and there is more to come.

I have not replied as I found it so odd!

Can anyone offer some perspective?

Watched or gotten on with it? I dont know any parents who supervised lessons the way thus teacher is asking

Go with your gut instinct. He may not be dodgy but he has put you off and you’ll be wondering what else might offend him in future. If you think something is off, it probably is.

I know parents who stay during lessons so they can learn themselves but presumably they can already play. Surely a qualified music teacher can teach the child adequately without the parent participating.

Sounds very odd to me and I would look for another teacher.

I'm a piano teacher and to me it's really weird of him to send a stroppy message to you about something so innocuous. It's ideal if parents can be very involved in practice, but plenty can't be, and I'd never expect a parent to basically be in the whole lesson alongside their child.

I almost always have a parent in the room because I teach at my house and there's no other room. I encourage parents to be involved and do explain things when needed, but it doesn't sound like this guy is going to be a good fit for you.

He was pretty upfront about needing parents there before OP booked anything, presumably she could’ve backed out if she didn’t wish to be there.

He sounds very obnoxious. Some Music Teachers prefer the parent to be in the room but not breathing down the child’s neck. My son who played the piano would’ve hated that. I think I’d send him a polite email saying that you think his teaching style isn’t what you’re looking for and look for someone else.

He may just be a bit socially inept or have a very brusque communication style over written mediums or something. If your DD liked the lesson and felt inspired by it, I’d be inclined to give it another go and just not take it personally/shrug it off. It may just be the way he communicates generally, which you can perhaps separate from his actual teaching and rapport with your child.

It's not about being in the room, though - which is not unusual and could well be a safeguarding thing as pp have said, and op was fine with that.

It is really unusual to want the parent participating to that extent, but fine if it works for everyone.

What's weird here is that he sent a shitty message about OP asking him to play the song - the next day, so he'd clearly been ruminating about it. That's what feels off. Her daughter is a new pupil, it's not like mum has been chipping in more and more and causing difficulties for him.

My guess is that some of his other clients have previously asked him to stay longer/ play again when he was packing up to leave. A lot of people booking tutors assume they are fine to stay extra time when ususlly
its a case of booking in as many jobs as possible and then rushing to another booking. He could’ve gone about it in a more polite way (OP doesn’t show the full message) in the message itself but has to make it clear staying longer to replay the song is not something he will do. Ideally he should’ve said no at the time, but perhaps didn’t want to disappoint the pupil.

He could be trying to nip what he sees as interfering in the bud.

Telling him how to do his job on day one isn't going to go down well with most people. He may have been saving that for lesson 2 and getting to know her interpretation first.

You think he's U and he may well think you're U.

Best way forward is communication or finding a new teacher.

I think he felt worried and disrespected in a strange way. He could have thought that you wanted to check if he could play it himself.
However, for a student of your DD’s age, I would have played the piece all the way through as a first thing for her to hear and understand. It’s not like an older student who should have a substantial sight reading skill.

Please consider a different teacher. Firstly, he should have played it without being asked in my opinion. Secondly, it sounds like he has had a previous safeguarding issue (or he may be just worried/friends with those who have had complaints against them and is covering his back). And from what he wrote to you, he’s been ruminating on this for the full 24 hours. And there is nothing to ruminate on…it’s a perfectly valid request. 🚩🚩🚩There are so many wonderful piano teachers out there and to find one so odd, who may start being just as rude to your DD, could start to kill your daughter’s love for the piano.

sometimes they teach it piece by piece so child doesn’t get overwhelmed. A first lesson is normally just scales and seeing what they can do, and if there’s time a tiny bit of a song. Playing the full song the first time and saying this is what you’re going to learn sometimes can overwhelm the student.

Had piano lessons from age 6 until I was 21 with the same teacher. Grades 1-8 and 2 diplomas etc. My dad is also a peripatetic music teacher (didn’t teach me but worked at my school) so I have some experience in this area.

this is weird OP. I agree with you the fact that he felt the need to send that message 24 hours later is just odd. I have to say, I would bin him off for this and find someone else. Music teachers should really get on with their pupils (and parents too) and it should be an enjoyable experience for everyone. I think he sounds odd and just not a good fit for you as a family and I’d be worried he might put my child off the instrument altogether. I’m still friends with my piano teacher over 25 years after he began teaching me and he was such a great influence on my early life - so I’d pick wisely, wanting someone that really gets on with you and your daughter and I think your gut instinct here is that something is off.

Speaking as the wife of an instrument teacher, he's a bit officious to say the least. The first lesson is for you to see whether he is a good fit, not only for your dc but whether you are happy with his services, so for him to behave like this is really not on. Quite odd, actually.

Your dc is having the lesson, but the parent is the paying customer at the end of the day, and a private music teacher needs to keep the paying customer happy.

I will say that unless he was a family friend before he taught you, it’s quite unprofessional to be friends with your teacher, even just over social media.

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately I do already feel like I'm threading on eggshells so I can't see this relationship moving forward. Not sure I want to see him again but DH says we should give him another chance.

I would happily put his message on here but I don't want it ending up on social media or worse.

Crop out his name

What does your daughter think of his teaching?

100% I agree with this.

Time to find another piano teacher. Preferably by word of mouth. I would look for one that teaches from their home or at a centre (because a good teacher will be able to fill their schedule easily and won’t be wasting prime teaching time travelling between students’ houses).

I was a piano teacher before having DC. From what you’ve said, I’m not convinced by this teacher’s methods.

I think he has got it into his head that you are going to interfere in the lessons. I'm not really getting why people think he's some sort of safeguarding risk. he just wants you there to protect himself. Perfectly understandable for a male teacher. He has obviously interpreted your request as interference and is setting the ground rules. I feel as though he is wary about taking you and your DD on

Here we go

In my music school it was a given that at this age and a little older, our piano teachers would play through the piece (if it was short) to understand it. Same with cello. And if there was not enough time in the lesson then it was your responsibility to listen to the piece in full, many times before the next lesson. Wherever you found it. But yes, perhaps you’re right that it is a little overwhelming for the first lesson.

I would just reply to say that it's not a good fit and you're going to look for a different teacher. He sounds incredibly hard work. I also wouldn't expect to have to "practise" with my DD or watch her in lessons. He's meant to be the teacher, and she's the student, your role is just to be supportive and cheer her on.

DD hasn't started music lessons yet but when she does I'll be taking a book and if the teacher doesn't like it I'll get a different one!

I suspect he may be autistic, and I say that as someone on the spectrum. I think he came across rude and very blunt, but probably hasn’t realised it and thinks he’s just being a normal strict teacher. I have friends also on the spectrum who talk like this and it’s sometimes hard to not constantly be offended at their bluntness.

I don’t think I could help myself replying to ask why he was being so rude, not suggesting you do that though especially if you continue to employ him.

I am gonna do a u turn and say unless your daughter really likes him as a teacher, I would be stopping the lessons with him and leaving a low review warning people.