What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

What do you do about playdates, is she allowed to friends houses at all or do you think that if every friends house has a predator they only come out at night?

It's the isolated lonely kids who are probably more at risk.

first one I was with my cousins. Second one I was with in a children’s ward with out her children and surrounded by nurses. Thanks so much for your compassion, it was quite difficult to put that out there to help make a point. I will definitely think twice about doing it again. And actually, the point I was making was that despite thinking your children know to shout or scream or tell… often times they can’t find a way. I’m really upset by your response to my post. But I guess that’s just Mumsnet theses days.

Honestly same reason if me and DP split I wouldn’t had a step dad in the house… not worth the risk. Sleep overs are just not worth it imo.

They stay with my brother and SIL often, so they get to have the experience of sleep overs. My nieces and nephews also regularly stay here and we do fun sleep over activities. I know my SIL is on the same page about internet access/screen time/smart phones as well, so that makes me feel at ease. They get to go to their grandparents houses a lot as well, where they get spoiled rotten, so all in all they’re not really missing out.

I had sleep overs as a kid, there was only one incident that made me uncomfortable and it was someone’s weird cousin. I just left without telling anyone and went home which caused a big ruckus. My mum didn’t tell me off. I genuinely feel to this day that if I had stayed something bad would have happened. I hope my kids would have the confidence to follow their intuition and do the same, but I don’t know, and there’s no reason to risk it.

That’s heat wrenching!! I hope your sister is ok! No offence but your mum… Let’s just say I’ve no idea how she could do that!!

I think people who have been through something traumatic involving breach of trust, whether abuse or otherwise, are at risk of passing that to the next generation by their overprotective actions. I do not say that as a criticism because it's totally understandable and I've never been through it so I'm not trying to be judgemental, it's just an observation. By now allowing children do certain things it gives peace to the parent, whereas allowing them to go causes great anxiety. So the parent is happier when the child is always under their roof and they convince themselves that the child is safer but the truth is there are a million other risks they have not eliminated and no parent can 100% protect their children, not past a certain age anyhow.

my DD had one at ours when she was 8 she so happy but the friend was misery who went to sleep at 6.30 and told my DD off for wanting to chat.
First and last

As a child I had only had a handful of sleepovers at friends houses-
one was a single mum and there was about 7 of us 9yr old girls, her big sister and little brother there
another was 10 girls (I think I was about 7) with the mum, aunty and grandma (dad was working abroad)
friends have slept over at mine but again only when it was me and my mum in the house
i I used to go on caravan holidays with my dad and grandparents, asked a friend if she wanted to come and her mum said no to that (even though she’d spoken to my dad several times)
I think it is def a more safeguarding thing
my reasons too, no sleepovers until they are much older as I don’t even know my dc’s friends parents at all

That sounds like DD2 when she's gone on sleepovers - has taken herself off to bed at like 7pm!

Mine have them - DD1's off on one tonight. Largely they've been with kids of my friends but as secondary's come around it's a bit more of a leap of faith required - but so is most of life when it comes to letting them grow up. She takes her phone with her and they tend to have sleepovers as a trio which I think I'm happier with (unless they all fall out and bicker)

She suffers with depression and anxiety, unsurprisingly.

My mum doesn’t do confrontation, so she also didn’t do anything at all about my teacher who was touching me up and whispering dirty rubbish in my ear.

We confronted my mum about what happened at our aunt’s house years later and she turned bright red and started shouting that we’re talking absolute rubbish and that never happened. So there’s that.

That must be in incredibly difficult job, my hat off to you! I was sexually abused when I was 13, by the MP of my home town. He was 36. Until I was 33, I thought it was my fault. I felt ashamed and dirty. My mum knew about it and she called me a slut. My aunt and my German teacher knew about it and they never said that there would be an issue with a 13 year old girl hanging out with a 36 year old man! I had a difficult relationship with my parents, my father was physically abusive till I was 14, my mum was emotionally unavailable, cold and manipulative. I had a sister 1.5 years younger than me, but my father never hit her. Only me.
I thought this man loved me and I was happy that someone was finally giving me some affection.
I felt stupid for years for allowing this to happen!
In your experience, is there away to spot paedofiles? I’ve been talking to my daughter about private parts for years and she seems to understand (she is 11) and she’s aware of paedofiles, but I suspect she has ADHD like me (waiting to be diagnosed) which makes us more vulnerable to predators.
What can I do to protect her to my best ability?
she has had a few sleepovers with friends from her class and I know the dads quite well apart from 1.
I want to make sure she is safe! Thanks! 🙏🏼

A lot of the messaging about those who oppose sleepovers is that it is seen as parents holding on to the proverbial apron strings and baby-ing them. My kids go on residentials. From age 8 both of mine have done week long orchestral residentials as they are both musicians. The almost 14 year old has toured Europe with his orchestra.

I am bringing up both boys to be independent and responsible. The teenager can cook several meals. He can hoover. Both can do the recycling, empty the dishwasher, make their beds and put away laundry. And they do these jobs regularly. We also do have conversations about consent and bodily autonomy.

I am just not comfortable with sleepovers and I am happy to hold that line though. (When my niece was 8 her best friend and neighbour’s father molested her on a sleepover. We did not find out for another decade when he was jailed and she admitted what happened.)

I’ve had two experiences that have really freaked me out and now I’m reluctant. One, I found my 12 yo and friends extremely drunk in a field after going to a sleepover where the parents had neglected to mention that they themselves were spending the night away. (It was the parents who called me to invite my child and discuss arrangements. At no point did they mention this detail).
And secondly , parents that got so drunk that there was a major domestic that ended with one parent being arrested and held in a cell overnight.
So it’s just a no from me now .

I've so far allowed camps/residentials (Beavers/Cubs/Scouts) and a sleepover at our house with my DH (and DS) absent. I'd allow a sleepover by DD at a friend's house with only females present. This is for reasons related to what @Fourteenandahalf and @InvasiveSpecies said.

At Scouts there are many adults present and while some of them may be "men who just haven't been caught yet" the other adults are not their wives who can't possibly believe their DH can do such a thing (as might apply at a friend or relative's house).

What an awful thing for you to have gone through, I’m sorry you had to experience that kind of horror. Something that no child should ever have to go through.

Yeah it’s wearing, since I had DC of my own I find it increasingly more difficult as time passes. Certain things have much more of an effect on me now. I find I struggle to compartmentalise.

Honestly, in my experience you just can never tell, they don’t wear signs. They are often outwardly charming, attractive, have families and children, successful in their careers, not always the case obviously, there are some that you’d look at and not want your children to be within 100ft of them.
But you just can’t tell. It could be your neighbour, someone you work with and enjoy their company, your kids best mates dad at school…

I personally think the best way to protect children from predators is to always be open, no off limits (age appropriate) conversations, teach them to listen to their instincts and that their purpose isn’t to appease and please the adults in their lives, teach them the parts of their bodies where nobody should be touching them unless under very specific circumstances, that if they ever feel uncomfortable with any adult, they don’t have to endure it to be polite, they can be rude, they can say no, no to physical touch and kisses and cuddles they don’t want. Make sure they understand that their body is theirs, they get to decide who touches it and how.
Let them know you will always believe them and listen to them if they tell you things, let them know that no adult should ever ask them to keep secrets from you and if they do, they need to tell you, you will always keep them safe.
I think above all, make sure you foster the kind of relationship where your children feel connected to you, they know you will believe them and protect them if they come to you with anything that worries them.

I hope this answers your question a little. You sound like a caring parent.
I hope you come to understand that nothing that happened to you was your fault, you didn’t allow it, it was done to you. The fault and blame lies entirely with the abuser.

At Scouts there are many adults present and while some of them may be "men who just haven't been caught yet" the other adults are not their wives who can't possibly believe their DH can do such a thing (as might apply at a friend or relative's house).

Just because they are not wives doesn't mean they are clued up. Safeguarding policies are only as good as the integrity of the person implementing them.

CSA has been pretty prolific in the Scout movement unfortunately...

www.boltburdonkemp.co.uk/abuse-claims/where-does-abuse-happen/scouts/scouts-abuse-map/

@SaveAndEarnMoreMoney everyone can be an abuser, look at that French surgeon who abused hundreds of children. Teach your dc that but most importantly have an open, loving and trustworthy relationship with you so they know how to recognise stuff that is wrong. I can't believe so many family members failed you.

It’s if you have a friend who you trust but they have an older sibling. The older sibling is also having a sleepover and it’s a random friend.

How much do you trust and know every person in that house with your child’s life? That for me and the stories I’m aware of is why I’m anti sleepovers

The older sibling is also having a sleepover and it’s a random friend.

The random friend is rare though because again they have more to lose. Most CSA want to be able to get away with it hence why they groom people they have a relationship with.

I am not a bad person I have been brought up well I am a lovely person if you meet me very
empathetic and a lovely friend, I just have so much love to give

Whilst I understand that some people have first hand experience of abuse, I honestly believe being too overprotective can seriously backfire on you as well. Everything in life is a calculated risk and from what I have heard (I worked in that area previously) family/organised groups are a much bigger risk. Children need to experience life and not be over protected; it causes more anxiety if you hold on too tightly. Some of my best childhood experiences involved giggling all night at friends’ houses.
I’ve always been very open with my children so that they come to me with any concerns and friendly with all the other parents, so that they don’t view my children as in any way vulnerable. There are some houses I have not felt happy with them going to, so they didn’t. This has been very rare.

@Iloveyoubut I’m sorry that you received such a basic and nitpicking response to sharing something so deeply personal. Sometimes people can read the words but forget to engage any level of humanity when they write their response.

You can report your own post to Mumsnet and ask for it to be deleted if you prefer.

Apologies @iloveyoubut I was focusing more on the situations and not your emotions. I've asked to withdraw that comment, sorry again .

One point which doesn’t always get aired on these threads is that it can also be due to medical reasons that a sleepover is not a good idea. And no, parents won’t necessarily want to share this information with all and sundry.

For example, a child who has epilepsy really needs a good night’s sleep to reduce the risk of seizures. A fun night really isn’t worth a seizure the next day. Other factors might include migraine, bed wetting, sleep walking or night terrors.

https://theconversation.com/a-survey-found-1-in-6-men-admit-sexual-feelings-for-children-so-is-paedophilia-increasing-218124

Social services actually put the children in that house at one point. Whether they’re aware of him being present, I don’t know. But it seems highly likely that they are aware on the basis that he couldn’t live with his daughter until she was over 18.