What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

Do you really think the child is as vulnerable on a 2 hour playdate as when they are asleep at night with no witnesses?

See, that makes sense to me, and I’d be happy about that.

It’s not that it’s a red flag - nothing on that level. This thread is making me think about why I do have a wariness about it, where I wouldn’t about teachers. I think I may be paranoid after some very dodgy brown owls/guiders when I was a child. Adults who tried to (verbally) force us into letting them watch us wash on camp to make sure we’d done it thoroughly.

Back to sleepovers. My DCs are autistic and anxious and have selective mutism, so even though the eldest is in her teens I’d have to be cautious about any sleepover. That said, I’ve a bunch in mind for if they ever feel ready, when they’re able to tell me if they need help. But only people I know very, very well and whose parenting style meshes with my kids.

My mum sent me off to any friend AFAIK. The swingers on a houseboat (apparently they promised not to whilst I was there), the mansion where the DD was known to be neglected, the yuppies who forgot kids needed feeding so we had to munch a pack of raw spaghetti, the Gary Glitters fan who aimed his car at cats….

Yes and yet so many disbelievers and apologists on mumsnemt

Boys with inappropriate behavior in the playground towards girls in early primary are inmhe the ones who went on a lot of sleepovers from a young age.I suspect it's a combination of free access to poor content on devices during sleepovers as well as people keen to facilitate this at a young age have things wrong with them and who knows what their motivation is. And the same with the few girls, the ones who are precocious and inappropriate are the ones with early sleepovers.

Absolutely.

Female guide leader very different from a male scout leader.

It used to be that at 17 you could go on holiday with your friends yourself, move out of the house, join the army.

Well anecdotally I found the opposite. The dc with poor social skills were the ones whose parents hadn't encouraged socialising.

There is a happy medium here. Dc don't have to sleep at friends houses every week but an occasional treat at the house of parent that you know and trust is very enjoyable for kids and helps them bond with their group.

I think you have to have some faith in humanity and live life. You can't wrap your children up in cotton wool, if you know the parents and they are nice normal people you have to let your children have some freedom.

I actually allow my 11 year old to walk or ride his bike home in the dark, and have allowed his older brother to do the same for a couple of years. But we live in a very safe area, where it is common for kids that age to ride bikes/go out without adults, so maybe not completely relevant here. I also don't have any daughters.

Would you let a girl?

You know perfectly well why I said you were being glib, and most certainly not because you asked a question or disagreed with me.

But the point is, you really DON’T know what a child sex offender looks like do you? Nor do I, because they don’t all look the same, they don’t have signs attached.

I don’t think anyone on here is daft enough to think that because they don’t allow sleepovers they have completely eliminated the risk of their child being abused in all circumstances, that would be incredibly stupid, but they definitely have eliminated the risk of their child being abused…at sleepovers. Which is exactly the point. Come on, you know this.

You don’t need to defend the fact that you allow them, you’ve made a decision for your children that you’re happy with, and so have those of us that have decided on the alternative. It’s not really a matter of agreeing or disagreeing, just making different decisions as parents. There’s no right or wrong answer here.

I think I would, where we live. Because he has female friends the same age who do. And although the risks that pose girls are horrific, getting into trouble walking home is potentially more likely risky for boys (fights etc).

Simple answer its just not safe sadly 😔

But many of us are happy to allow our DC’s to enjoy sleepovers. Everything has a degree of risk - it’s all about managing it

Nope. Never. You are not there to protect your child from other adults that don't hold your child's welfare as important as their own children's. And let's be realistic. Most don't even know their own kids are being sexually abused never mind yours.
Also it's not just the adults. Or sexually. Older siblings taking it out on them etc. The list goes on.

My 9 year old son was fiddled with by a cubs leader at a camp. So called respectable person. You never really know people.

Speaking from experience I regret allowing my 12 year old daughter to go to a sleep over. Sadly she was abused by her friend at a sleep over which then went on for months and we are still dealing with the trauma and upset this has caused. I trusted the environment my daughter was in and have always been so over cautious, it just goes to show no matter how safe you think your child will be you never know. My mum never liked me sleeping out as a child and always preferred to have the sleep overs play our house. If there is ever a need to allow our daughters to have friends stay over there will be a rule of no body sharing a room.

Are sleepovers really that fun?
I went on an awful lot of sleepovers as a child and they seemed a great idea at the time but in reality I think I would’ve preferred to stay at home.
Whats wrong with a play date?

No sleepovers here. I don’t think you can trust anyone enough, adults nor other kids. The latter is the reason I wouldn’t allow my kids on a school residential either.

My DC’s loved hosting them and going on them. Lots of racing around the house screaming, junk food and little sleep! In the summer there would usually be a water fight and in the winter, s’mores outside wrapped up in blankets.

And there ends the argument in my mind. You don't really know anyone.

I am of the older generation I had friends sleepover when I was a child and I went to friend's for sleepovers, thought nothing of it.
I wouldn't let a child do this nowadays unless with a trusted family member.

Brothers, step-dads, uncles, grandads, dads, dad’s friends.

We were never big sleepover people when DC were little, but we did a house swap with a family from the US, and we all got on like a house on fire with the neighbours across the street. DD7 had a sleepover with them and still remembers it. We later found out that our house swap partners had met up with our friends from the next village (whom we had recommended) and their DD9 did a sleepover with them.

Apparently from this thread we were all quite mad, but everything comes down to your tolerance for the risk of unlikely events. I do wonder whether some of the PFB super-protectors are aware of the level of risk that they expose their DC to by putting them in a car and driving around.