What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

I was raped when I was ten by someone my parents knew and were fine with me being around. 'Already knowing' the parents is no real safeguard.

I can only speak for myself but the testing the waters thing wouldn't have worked in our situation. A much trusted friends husband was arrested for the unthinkable.. he was a teacher and well respected member of our community. She continued to allow him access to her children while investigations were ongoing and hosted playdates before the news became general knowledge.
I was anti sleepover before this event but it cemented that decision for me. I'm used to the horrified "your poor children" responses now. Water off a ducks back.

I won't allow my DC to have sleepovers. 1, until they can fully communicate with me then they are not safe, so age 0-4 minimum is definitely a no. If something happens they don't have the ability to tell me about it. 2, when I was younger I was groomed by my best friends uncle and he would take advantage of me at sleepovers but I didn't speak up or say anything because I thought it was normal, happened over a 3 year period. And 3, people often don't stick to my boundaries, for example, my DP want my DS to sleep there because my DNieces do, but they ply him with juice and crap and they drink alcohol and smoke weed. You can't control what others do in their home, but I can control whether my DC go there 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want all my kids under one roof at night, particularly when they were as young as 6 years old. Why do they have to sleep over? What's wrong with going over to play for a few hours, having tea and coming home?

My mum never let me go to sleepovers, at the time I never understood and used to get annoyed about it. I later found out her own father used to sexually abuse her. This is the case for many, many families and I often hear of it happening to the children’s friends at sleepovers by their father, brother, uncle etc. There was also a case where a single mums ex came and sexually abused and killed her, her child and her child’s friend having a sleepover. The world is not safe and you will never truly know if someone is capable of that, majority of the time the mother doesn’t even know her husbands doing it. It’s not worth the risk.

My mum let me go to sleepovers to about three families homes. Now I'm a DSL and the things I hear (older siblings/ friends mainly) really does fill me with dread.
It's sad because I agree, sleepovers are great fun.

I let my DC have them but at secondary, reluctantly . at primary we had a much better feel for the other parents but at secondary I've only met a few parents and even then it was the women not the men.
My DD went for one a few week's ago and only because I know the girl who also went with her. Unfortunately because these are new friends at secondary I don't know the parents so essentially I'm sending my DD into an unknown house with people I don't know from Adam.

I've also hosted DC here from abroad, myself and DH need DBs checks but that's not infallible is it and what about our family friends?

I've come from a safeguarding back ground so my awareness is higher but I have male family friend's and I still understand I have to remain alert around my DC because we just can't ever know anyone completely .

Meaning I trust them and I believe they are good people but I'm still alert and always will be.
And I will be around everyone around my DC.

So I do let my DD do sleepovers but I'm not happy about it and I've armed her with some knowledge and what to try and do if someone uncle or brother it dad tried something untoward and what they may say to keep her quiet.

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. It's for this reason I will never allow my children to go on sleepovers. You can't undo something like this so I would rather never put my children in a position whereby it can happen.

You might know the parents and be comfortable with them but you don’t know who else might be in the house on the night of a sleepover. There could be cousins, step children, uncles, aunts, neighbours etc and these people might pose a threat

One of mine had zero interest in going to or having sleepovers.
The second one did but only started at 10. No way would it have been happening before that.

I was always surprised by parents who let their young children have sleepovers when they had only known the parents for a short time and only to speak to briefly at the school gates. There were 2 ‘incidents’ that I knew of arising from them, one an allegation of abuse against the mums boyfriend and one when a child was ill and needed to go home but the parent was drunk.

Our children had sleepovers with our friends children, friends we had known for years, from about aged 8 and with friends that we didn’t know the parents so well, when they were older. I know a few women my age, and one man, who were abused at sleepovers when they were children, so I was definitely cautious with my own children. It’s a shame we have to think like this because in most cases sleepovers will just be fun.

Trust.

I noticed that people seemed happier for their children to have sleepovers at my house,linked to both DH and I being Svout leaders. While I appreciate the vote of confidence in us, I'm slightly worried that some people equate DBS as being safe instead of just No Evidence. Which is why there are strict rules at Scouts for overnights etc.

I used to find it odd, but it makes sense as people become wiser. Sexual abuse normally takes place by someone you know. 12 seems a good age as anything younger could be easily groomed and coerced, I don't really understand why anyone under 8 would want or need a sleepover. I myself was abused by a neighbour when I was around 6/7, my sister was molested by an uncle (and ironically we were never allowed sleepovers, yet it still happened). It is very common and you never can know who it might be.

Dear God. Okay, I get it. I am so, so sorry to hear about those of you who suffered such horrific experiences. I wouldn't contemplate it either from that perspective.

Guess I have just been very sheltered. Mine didn't go until school age (so they were old enough to communicate clearly) and knew what were right/wrong things for people to do. I knew the families very well. My concerns were more for things like not brushing teeth before bed or playing with screens all night.

I totally understand the point that even close friends/family can turn out to pose a risk. @SweetSound sums it up perfectly It’s a shame we have to think like this because in most cases sleepovers will just be fun.

@InvasiveSpecies dreadful, we can't ever know and unfortunately I think some people are blind to dangers around them like the people who truly believe Kimber related pit bulls are gorgeous sweet nanny dog's.

DT’s did sleepovers from age 8 onwards at their friends. From 11+ we regularly had a houseful of DD’s friends staying at weekends or she was at their homes. DS was less interested and more likely to be away at sports events. They enjoyed staying at friends and I loved having a houseful of teenagers.

How many children come to more harm with new partners/step parents more than sleepovers?

@TheNightingalesStarling agree and whilst I'm sure you and your DH are trust worthy I think recent news has informed us that predators deliberately work with children in such roles.

I'm admittedly not there yet but I plan to allow sleepovers when my daughter is older (if she wants them, of course). It's balancing the risk against wanting them to have a full social life, independence and fun.

Like others on this thread I work in child protection. There are things you can do to reduce the risk as many predators will target children they know to be vulnerable e.g. those who don't have a trusted adult they could disclose to. Education and openness can reduce the risk of grooming.

Of can there's no guarantee of safety but that is true of many things we permit our children to do. Anecdotally I've come across children abused at sleepovers, but far far more who were abused by family members, close family friends or (next most common) adults they know through clubs and hobbies

Exactly. Abusers will try to gain the trust of children and get into positions where they have access. Youth organisations, schools, relationships with parents... DBS is one tool in keeping them safe, but all the other procedures and educating children are also extremely important.

Yes, two of the adults I know that were abused at sleepovers when they were children, were abused by a teacher and a scout leader. Their parents thought they could definitely trust them because of this. It’s good that parents are more cautious of others, regardless of their jobs now.

Lots, so why would you go to a further remove and trust someone else’s choice of partner? Or are you saying the chances are your kids are at risk in your own home so might as well let them go to an almost-strangers? In for a penny kind of thing?

Also sibling on sibling sexual abuse is one of the more common categories but it’s rarely talked about.

Look up the ratio of children who are sexually abused.
On sleepovers I was sent to, I saw the men in the houses assault their kids, many times.

The greatest risk to a child is an unrelated male.

Oh I was just about to say I would only approve sleepovers with GPs but your third point reminded me why I haven't done that already.