What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

The number 1 risk of sexual abuse to a child is a step parent. It's the biggest risk by far, but rarely talked about or acknowledge. After that it's once removed relations - uncles, grandparents, cousins.

Huh? I’d say it’s the most talked about category by far. Some categories are also common but genuinely aren’t talked about such as older brothers sexually abusing sisters.
And it’s step fathers rather than step parents in general.

Most sexual abuse is by a father or step father so I'm not sure sleepovers are the protection people think they are...

And plenty of children are abused by people without having a sleepover but I guess some feel more secure if they say no sleepovers?

waiting till they can talk is fair enough although I still left them with family

@cherrycola66 but your mum was abused despite no sleepover?

I was sexually assaulted by a friends brother when I was 14. I pushed him away and stopped it, but it still happened

How many children come to more harm with new partners/step parents more than sleepovers?

the majority

There was also a case where a single mums ex came and sexually abused and killed her, her child and her child’s friend having a sleepover.

A horrific case but unusual. Lots of children are physically or sexually abused by nursery workers but people still use them.

As a pp said awareness & openness is key. Talk to your dc about it.

Sleepovers are fine if you trust the mother and there are sensible safeguards in place. If I ever host a sleepover for my DD's friends (too young atm), I'd make it clear what the arrangements were - the group sleeping in the lounge where they can all fit rather than separate rooms, one bathroom being the "girl's bathroom", close supervision and separation of older siblings, older siblings not allowed in the sleepover room and vice versa, and me sleeping separately in the spare room/children's room so the kids can come and get me at any time without coming into contact with my DH. And I'd be doing most of the organising and supervision for the sleepover, not DH.

It's not that I don't trust DH or my older boy but I wouldn't expect other parents to.

I get the anxiety but at the end of the day your child could be abused during a daytime playdate as easily as a sleepover and no matter how,well you think you know the parents you have no guarantees (even when they have a DBS!). My view is you canmot protect your child in every situation so it's important to equip your child with tools and understanding of what to do if they ever feel uncomfortable in a situation.

My kids have always known I will come and collect them at any time if they feel uncomfortable, and that they can ring me even if it's the middle of the night.

Ironically in the case where the mums ex killed them, the child would have been safer if they’d been on a sleepover and not in the house that night.

Mine have had sleepovers since they could communicate with me, they've also had dumb phones since then too that only have my number, their dad's number and a few other emergency numbers so could contact me at any point and knew I'd collect them.

I feel like as long as they know to tell you if there's anything they don't like then you're fine.

Also an interesting statistic is you're much more likely to suffer SB at the hands of your father or grandfather than a family friend

Other thsn family sleepovers (with aunts and u cles and granparents) and my one sons best friend, whose family are as close to family as you can possibly get without being blood related, I won't allow them because at night, when they're asleep, they're at their most vulnerable and I don't want them somewhere with people I might not know very well or may have visitors who I don't know at all when they're so vulnerable.

It’s a gamble, you just never know. I’ve had sleepovers as a child and never had any issues, but I’ve also had friends of my brother staying over who made me uncomfortable even though it was at our house.

In my family, the unthinkable happened within close family. If I had a baby again I wouldn’t even let them stay over with grandparents. It wasn’t outside danger, it was right there.

People are obsessed that everyone is a predator and that's why

Weird how they are absolutely fine for school trips and girl guide camps though

This was near me
me and absolutely rocked our community - you just don’t know what home situation you are sending your children into.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/23/stark-failures-by-probation-service-contributed-to-of-derbyshire-family

I don’t understand the ‘you are more likely to be abused by x’ posts. Yes, and? Childcare is necessary for working parents, and nurseries have safeguards in place making instances of abuse extremely rare. Childcare is pretty unavoidable if you have to work. Having family members is sort of hard to avoid too, although at least you can ensure you remain under the same roof and may be able to say more confidently that your child is safe or take measures to ensure that (although sadly not in all cases).

The sad fact is that there are too many people with an unhealthy interest in children, and too many abused. Yes it tends to be someone they know, and parents, grandparents and siblings have the greatest access making them the greatest risk. It’s a matter of access though isn’t it? A sleepover can and will be used as a means to abuse children by these people, and there are sadly many people on this thread even who have experienced that.

A sleepover is not only an occasion where you have no oversight over what circumstances your child is in at their most vulnerable, it’s also entirely unnecessary and avoidable which is why people can avoid the risk. I think you can of course make whatever choices you like, but justifying it by saying ‘well my child’s dad is the biggest risk statistically’ is a ridiculous argument in favour of sleepovers!

My sister was raped by our cousin during a sleepover. She was so young she didn’t even understand what happened. Fun fact: my mum swiftly swept it under the rug so she didn’t ruin the relationship with her sister and her family.

The world is full of creeps and my children are not humans I will take any chances with.

I was allowed sleepovers from a young age but only with families that our family spent a lot of time with, went on holidays with, and two of the families lived on my street so they were safe. However, at one of the sleepovers my friend's dad had too much to drink, had a row with his wife and got a shotgun out and started thrashing the place. We fled back to my house and I was not allowed to have sleepovers there again. I must have been quite young as I can't remember much, but I would be terrified if DC had something like that happen.

I'm not against sleepovers as such, and we now have a few families I feel I know well enough that I could allow DC to go over, but there is no interest from any of the kids' part so I'm not going to force it.

This

This too. It does not cancel the other risk though. But you are absolutely right, the number 1 risk is from a step-parent.

I was never allowed to have sleepovers up until I was 18. I was so upset with my parents for that, but now looking back I totally understand why they were strict about it. Also, it hasn’t affected me one bit as an adult, nor do I feel I missed out.
I’m doing the same for my kids. They are only allowed at their grandparents.

A lot can happen overnight with no adult supervision. I was inappropriately touched by another child at a sleepover, was shown pornographic films and magazines from one girl’s dad’s collection and was given alcohol at thirteen. I remember we also had some highly inappropriate conversations in a chat room. I imagine the risk of exposure to inappropriate material online is much worse now with smartphones. I also remember another friend had a very troubling encounter with the father of a classmate. People make the point, rightly, that the highest risk of sexual abuse comes from people known to a child, often within the home. However, that still means you’re potentially sending your child off to a home where that is occurring.