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Original poster

What's wrong with sleepovers?

311 replies

PeatandDieselfan · 28/05/2025 11:06

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

OP posts:
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vinavine · 28/05/2025 17:45

@Profpudding outrageous

Casperroonie · 28/05/2025 17:45

PeatandDieselfan · 28/05/2025 11:06

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

I have been a safeguarding lead at primary schools for 8 years. There is no way on Earth I'd let my children have a sleepover. I remember being notified of a child's grandfather who did the unthinkable and he used to do pick up regularly (and look after the children) before being banned.same with one of the fathers of one of our kids.

Nope. No way my kids are staying over anywhere apart from home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
vinavine · 28/05/2025 17:48

I work in education, lots of teacher and DSL friends and sibling is a DI (sex crimes). We all have sleepovers.

Justgoodforthegetting · 28/05/2025 17:51

PotolKimchi · 28/05/2025 16:31

A lot of the messaging about those who oppose sleepovers is that it is seen as parents holding on to the proverbial apron strings and baby-ing them. My kids go on residentials. From age 8 both of mine have done week long orchestral residentials as they are both musicians. The almost 14 year old has toured Europe with his orchestra.

I am bringing up both boys to be independent and responsible. The teenager can cook several meals. He can hoover. Both can do the recycling, empty the dishwasher, make their beds and put away laundry. And they do these jobs regularly. We also do have conversations about consent and bodily autonomy.

I am just not comfortable with sleepovers and I am happy to hold that line though. (When my niece was 8 her best friend and neighbour’s father molested her on a sleepover. We did not find out for another decade when he was jailed and she admitted what happened.)

Yes this!! I’m a fairly relaxed parent, I like my child to feel as free and carefree as possible, and I want him to feel comfortable with his independence. I’m far from a smothering parent, as you say though, I just have certain boundaries that for whatever reason I’m not prepared to move on.

We still enjoy play dates, go to the park, ride bikes at breakneck speed, swim in the sea, ride horses, eat mud…tons of stuff that carries risk. But there are certain risks that are essential for normal human development and social development. Some are not.

SaveAndEarnMoreMoney · 28/05/2025 17:52

BadSkiingMum · 28/05/2025 17:18

One point which doesn’t always get aired on these threads is that it can also be due to medical reasons that a sleepover is not a good idea. And no, parents won’t necessarily want to share this information with all and sundry.

For example, a child who has epilepsy really needs a good night’s sleep to reduce the risk of seizures. A fun night really isn’t worth a seizure the next day. Other factors might include migraine, bed wetting, sleep walking or night terrors.

Also ADHD, they are much much more prone to meltdowns and feeling low if they are tired!

SaveAndEarnMoreMoney · 28/05/2025 17:59

curlywurlymum · 28/05/2025 16:28

She suffers with depression and anxiety, unsurprisingly.

My mum doesn’t do confrontation, so she also didn’t do anything at all about my teacher who was touching me up and whispering dirty rubbish in my ear.

We confronted my mum about what happened at our aunt’s house years later and she turned bright red and started shouting that we’re talking absolute rubbish and that never happened. So there’s that.

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Oh my god, that’s awful, when they gaslight you and try to tell you that nothing happened! I’m so sorry! Hugs

VikingLady · 28/05/2025 18:43

Delphigirl · 28/05/2025 15:04

That’s interesting because someone being a scout leader (or youth group leader, or Sunday school teacher) would be a red flag for me.

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Likewise. I always find myself questioning why exactly they want to do that, for free, when it takes up so much time and appears largely thankless.

Though I do have a friend who ran GG groups because her family were all heavily involved and it just followed on from being a guide etc herself. And a mum who wanted to run her own pack that would be SEN friendly for her DD.

MrsSunshine2b · 28/05/2025 18:51

Riaanna · 28/05/2025 14:46

There is but it is also often the starting point for grooming. Which is the pre cursor for the majority of sexual abuse. One of the five leaves the room for a snack. Or some quiet time. Man in the home spots her. Starts a chat. And so it goes.

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I forgot that Mumsnetters seem to all live in vast stately homes. Like most homes in the UK, our home has one reception room which is the only place a sleepover for 5 could feasibly happen. The kitchen is directly attached to the reception room. Any child wanting quiet time would need to go home. Any adult walking into a room of over-excited sugar-crazed tween girls for any reason other than to see if anyone needs more drinks is braver than me.

TheNightingalesStarling · 28/05/2025 18:53

VikingLady · 28/05/2025 18:43

Likewise. I always find myself questioning why exactly they want to do that, for free, when it takes up so much time and appears largely thankless.

Though I do have a friend who ran GG groups because her family were all heavily involved and it just followed on from being a guide etc herself. And a mum who wanted to run her own pack that would be SEN friendly for her DD.

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In the case of DH, he's a Scout leader as his experiences as a Scout led to his career as an Army officer (he got all the way to Queens Scout) . He genuinely enjoys giving children the experiences he got.

sarah419 · 28/05/2025 19:05

the question should be why sleepovers? they can spend whole day together / long play date etc and everyone goes home to sleep. majority of sexual abuse cases happen at sleepovers.

bakingmad123 · 28/05/2025 19:06

Really odd feeling responding to this… as I was reading the OP I thought - absolutely! Kids should have sleepovers! It’s fun!

…then I remembered…when I was 11 I was sexually assaulted by a friends brothers’s friend ( who was also having a sleepover) in the middle of the night. Turns out he’d been doing it to my friend on a regular basis and she thought having me there would scare him off. Took us both about 6 months to have the courage to tell our parents. In the meantime I committed to regular sleepovers as it took the onus on only her being abused. Really weird that I have never thought of sleepovers as dangerous until reading this post, and yet this happened to me.

sorry but this has been a bit of a revelation for me. Granted this was the 90’s and kids might be more aware now but still…

bakingmad123 · 28/05/2025 19:08

PeatandDieselfan · 28/05/2025 11:30

Dear God. Okay, I get it. I am so, so sorry to hear about those of you who suffered such horrific experiences. I wouldn't contemplate it either from that perspective.

Guess I have just been very sheltered. Mine didn't go until school age (so they were old enough to communicate clearly) and knew what were right/wrong things for people to do. I knew the families very well. My concerns were more for things like not brushing teeth before bed or playing with screens all night.

I totally understand the point that even close friends/family can turn out to pose a risk. @SweetSound sums it up perfectly It’s a shame we have to think like this because in most cases sleepovers will just be fun.

Given my other post (which you will have seen) I did allow my daughter (now late teens) lots of sleepovers and never even occurred to me to associate my experience with the potential for hers. That might make me a terrible mum but luckily she’s only had good experiences.

Iloveyoubut · 28/05/2025 19:18

Gloriia · 28/05/2025 17:17

Apologies @iloveyoubut I was focusing more on the situations and not your emotions. I've asked to withdraw that comment, sorry again Flowers.

Oh it’s completely fine, that’s so, so kind of you, I totally understand how easy it is to get focused on the matter at hand. Not a problem and thank you, that’s really nice of you. ❤️

Youbutterbelieve · 28/05/2025 19:26

sarah419 · 28/05/2025 19:05

the question should be why sleepovers? they can spend whole day together / long play date etc and everyone goes home to sleep. majority of sexual abuse cases happen at sleepovers.

Sorry, that isn't true. The majority of sexual abuse happens in the family home and is perpetrated by a once removed family member, most commonly a step parent.

Chipsahoy · 28/05/2025 19:51

MrsB74 · 28/05/2025 17:09

Whilst I understand that some people have first hand experience of abuse, I honestly believe being too overprotective can seriously backfire on you as well. Everything in life is a calculated risk and from what I have heard (I worked in that area previously) family/organised groups are a much bigger risk. Children need to experience life and not be over protected; it causes more anxiety if you hold on too tightly. Some of my best childhood experiences involved giggling all night at friends’ houses.
I’ve always been very open with my children so that they come to me with any concerns and friendly with all the other parents, so that they don’t view my children as in any way vulnerable. There are some houses I have not felt happy with them going to, so they didn’t. This has been very rare.

I don’t equate the two. I am not over protective. I’d say that the abuse I suffered actually made me the yes mum. I was stifled by a mum who did like you say and was very over protective after her own abuse but actually further put me at risk by being so damn controlling and shaming me into behaving. It had the opposite affect.

I am not a strict parent at all, the idea of punishment or controlling my kids makes me feel ill. I talk to my kids and educate them, like I wish my mum had.

However, no sleep overs was one of the few rules I had, not until teens. Fortunately mine haven’t wanted them until teens anyway.

tripleginandtonic · 28/05/2025 19:52

My dc had and went to sleepovers ages 6 +. All was well and they are nice memories to have.

Riaanna · 28/05/2025 19:53

MrsSunshine2b · 28/05/2025 18:51

I forgot that Mumsnetters seem to all live in vast stately homes. Like most homes in the UK, our home has one reception room which is the only place a sleepover for 5 could feasibly happen. The kitchen is directly attached to the reception room. Any child wanting quiet time would need to go home. Any adult walking into a room of over-excited sugar-crazed tween girls for any reason other than to see if anyone needs more drinks is braver than me.

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Of course because in the world of mumsnet you either live in a 2 up or a palace.

Ifpicklesweretickles · 28/05/2025 20:07

SlashBeef · 28/05/2025 11:09

I can only speak for myself but the testing the waters thing wouldn't have worked in our situation. A much trusted friends husband was arrested for the unthinkable.. he was a teacher and well respected member of our community. She continued to allow him access to her children while investigations were ongoing and hosted playdates before the news became general knowledge.
I was anti sleepover before this event but it cemented that decision for me. I'm used to the horrified "your poor children" responses now. Water off a ducks back.

Aren't they often.

MaisieMouse87 · 28/05/2025 20:09

Youbutterbelieve · 28/05/2025 19:26

Sorry, that isn't true. The majority of sexual abuse happens in the family home and is perpetrated by a once removed family member, most commonly a step parent.

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Statistically yes but I assume you trust you and your DH not to abuse your children. You might not necessarily know who is spending the night in the same house as your child. And if that's your argument then you could say the child holding the sleepover is at risk of their own family memeber and then so would be your child.

Ifpicklesweretickles · 28/05/2025 20:10

Why the actual hell would anyone host a sleepover for a child that young. Many still don't even sleep by themselves at home, coming into parents bed. It's odd that someone would initiate it at with kids that age.
The ones I've seen have it in common that they are often odd, mean unpleasant people in many ways.

Gymsharkathlete · 28/05/2025 20:16

InvasiveSpecies · 28/05/2025 11:09

I was raped when I was ten by someone my parents knew and were fine with me being around. 'Already knowing' the parents is no real safeguard.

Edited

This. It didn’t happen to me but it did to my sister. Flat out no. Our grandad is now serving a 10 year jail sentence. My children will not be sleeping anywhere

Ifpicklesweretickles · 28/05/2025 20:18

vinavine · 28/05/2025 13:55

@HazelNewt The gov don't record those statistics but googling brings up plenty of prosecutions against nursery workers.

If you believe your child is actually safer in someone else’s home than their own then that’s a bit of a problem isn’t it?

This is the bit you are not understanding.

Statistically a dc is more at risk in their home because their family members live with them...young dc are also more at risk of an accident at home.

And the bit you don't understand that though it's more likely to happen by someone who knows the child (stepdad, cousins, Removed relatives etc, Not birth mum and dad), it doesn't mean it doesn't happen outside or your child is at less risk at night asleep in someone's house.
Who would choose to host sleepovers for young children? Just the amount of help and care they would need...
Hosting sleepovers while not allowing playdates untill 8, staying with 9 year olds at birthday parties and coming along on playdates with them aged 7 or 8..
Think about it. It makes no sense. What is their motive. Weird all around. And often such people are yescheds, hosting dad is often involved in some sort of working witb children.

Ifpicklesweretickles · 28/05/2025 20:29

ExercicenformedeZ · 28/05/2025 13:37

Agreed.

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Yes because girl guide leaders aren't known to be predators not do they have a means to rape for instance. You are surrounded by a group of people with other adults overlooking.
Not in someone's house where anything can be given to you and with no witnesses.
Who can be this dim🙄

Ifpicklesweretickles · 28/05/2025 22:28

vinavine · 28/05/2025 12:19

There was also a case where a single mums ex came and sexually abused and killed her, her child and her child’s friend having a sleepover.

A horrific case but unusual. Lots of children are physically or sexually abused by nursery workers but people still use them.

Is childminder safer? How woulld you know what happens there since the childminder themself is unlikely to tell you?