What's wrong with sleepovers?

[PeatandDieselfan]

Accidentally watched a reel on Facebook the other day with an "influencer mommy" holding her PFB and boasting about all the things her baby will not be allowed to do over the next couple of decades, which included sleepovers (cue left-right wagging of perfectly manicured finger.) I didn't understand what she was on about, and obviously dismissed it as nonsense and gave my head a little wobble for even losing time to watching said nonsense, and went about my day.

Since then, I have noticed a few mentions on here of people not allowing their children to have sleepovers, or not before secondary school. I am genuinely interested why? Because, in my experience, sleepovers are a huge thrill for 6-11 year olds, mine loved it at that age, but now they teenagers/almost teenagers sleepovers aren't really "a thing" any more - they do different things with friends.

So why are parents anti-sleepover? I mean, I know it can be a pain to host them (sometimes) and kids are like zombies the next day, but they have a lot of fun, and it's a pretty short phase in the greater scheme of things, so why not? If it's a safeguarding thing, surely you could just have a rule about only with friends where you already know the parents/ have had a few successful playdates first, rather than a blanket (see what I did there!) ban?

Whilst I do allow sleepovers with families I trust, I'm conscious that many don't.

So that means, for one of mine, making sure that not everything is centered around sleepovers so as not to exclude those who I know wont be attending- eg birthday parties. ..

Do you have the same rules for play dates? I am thinking of banning play dates and sleep overs.

This was debated very recently on another thread. I decided I am OK with them many years ago. Yes I understand there are some risks, but in my view this is like anything else, you need to weigh up the risks. I think a decision has to be made to trust people, much easier of course for some people to do this. I decide to trust people and while this may increase certain risks, it also makes for happier well rounded children. If I were to not trust my child at their friends parents house then it would follow I would not trust them during the day with those parents or with family members at night or with coaches teachers babysitters etc etc. How far would my suspcions go? I would be reducing their circle so small it would impact their social experiences. The whole point is predators are not known to me and anyone could be one, so I have to either trust everyone or noone. Why should i think uncles and grandads are ok but friends fathers are not, or that all women are automatically 'safe'. I also believe a child that is always protected by their parents is ultimately more vulnerable when the moment comes and the parent isn't around.

I also found parents were very happy for children to sleep over at our house. I also assumed me being a dbs checked guide leader played a part. A child with a severe allergy had first sleepover at secondary age with us as mum trusted me.

What kinds of things do you do to reduce the risk?

* I also believe a child that is always protected by their parents is ultimately more vulnerable when the moment comes and the parent isn't around.

I grew up in an (then) fairly shady part of London. Quite normal to see prostitutes, customers, pimps, junkies, dealers etc on my school run. Apart from that it was quite idyllic really (lots of playing out, etc) but it taught me to read situations & people from an early age & when to keep my head down, go a different route etc.

The potential is for abuse by a member of host family,and I really cannot understand why any parent would allow their children to stay in someone else's house even if they think they know them! Its simply not necessary when the child has a home.

My children only ever had friends to stay because the children’s parents were stuck for a baby sitter so that was just two occasions for us as a family. Personally, I would sooner stick pins in my eyes than have anyone to stay overnight………if that makes me a grump, so be it. I like my space, in my home and cannot be arsed with other people’s bodily functions, special diets, likes and dislikes, morning breath……….YUK!

Read the stories on here. It does happen. It takes a trip to the toilet or a single moment in the kitchen. You shouldn’t minimise people wanting to protect their children. Whilst we are at it, the likelihood is it wouldn’t be the mother.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/damien-bendall-murder-derbyshire-killamarsh-b2249171.html

Very tragic case of a girl killed on a sleepover. Obviously extremely rare. But why take the risk. The mum and children probably seemed fine and I'm sure the girl who went for a sleepover had parents who had met the mum and had no concerns.

It takes a trip to the toilet or a single moment in the kitchen.

While it can happen, that is not generally how a child abuser behaves eg waiting to jump on a child they don't know or had much interaction with on the way to the loo. Think about it, if they don't know that child how do they know the child won't tell?
Most CSA involves grooming and the related secrecy and children who are scared of the fallout. A child staying over at their friend's house whose dad they don't really know is far more likely to tell their parents and not worry about the fallout.
Similarly as a woman I am far more likely to get raped by someone I know as opposed to a stranger who grabs me off the street.

Mine are 18 and 19 and I never allowed sleepovers. I was always gobsmacked if my kids asked and their friends said it’s ok with my mum/dad you can phone them to check. Kids whose parents id never met. I can’t fathom why anyone would allow their kids to stay at the house of a stranger.

Because for most people it’s a totally normal thing. I appreciate things are different if you’ve had bad experiences but most people don’t think like that.

These stories are so, so tragic. For the children abused, for their families, the lack of trust we can reasonably have in the people around us. The fun our kids could be having that has been taken by monsters.

One of my children has been to sleepovers, they are old enough to speak out, but probably not confident. The sleepovers have been parties though, I would hope with 10 children sleeping in a room they were safe. But now I see you never really know.

I can’t fathom why anyone would allow their kids to stay at the house of a stranger.

During my A-levels and uni I often stayed at friends houses that my parents had never met, I don't think it's unusual for parents to not know their children's friends families at those ages. At 17 upwards my friends often came on holiday with me to my parents home abroad without their parents meeting mine. Some of my uni friends lived in different parts of the country for one.

I heard this one :(

My mum let me sleepover at my cousins’ house when I was 15ish. My cousin’s mum was not related and my mum didn’t know her well. Well my mum would have been horrified!!

One night her ex boyfriend kicked the door in and did god knows what to her. Thank god he didn’t come upstairs but it was terrifying.

'Very tragic case of a girl killed on a sleepover. Obviously extremely rare. But why take the risk.'

Because as you've just said it is extremely rare. Dc get killed in cars every day but i presume you still allow yours in a car?

I had a conveyor belt of different children sleeping over at my house for the best part of a decade. Our house was deemed the best because DD is an only child, and I was a very performative mother. Setting up a cinema in the living room, midnight snack trays, French toast buffet in the morning and all the other Pinterest shit 😂

That’s awful! No words! I’m so so sorry that happened to you!

My DD was fortunately only invited to one when at primary. They seemed a nice family but that on it's own wasn't enough for me, what made me say yes was that they had adopted a child. This meant that as well as being older and wiser, I knew that they were highly likely to have had all sorts of interviews and background checks for the adoption, so although not a failsafe, I felt more comfortable allowing it. Also, there were several classmates going and 'safety in numbers' as they say.

Whaat?? Really?? I have a sister so this never even occurred to me as an option!

You can’t communicate clearly though as children, even as a teenager sometimes you can’t. I was sexually assaulted at a sleep over with relatives and I was raped at 7 by a workman in the hospital I was recovering from a physical illness. I never told anyone because I didn’t know how to say it or what to say and I was scared. Never think that just because I child can communicate that they actually can. Sorry OP that’s not directed at you at all… it’s just a point to know, you can think you’ve drummed it into a child’s head it really doesn’t mean they can ever find a way to tell you,

My view on it is:

My daughter complaining that she never got to go to sleepovers / I sheltered her when she was young - that I can live with.

Putting her in the vicinity of someone who MAY sexually or physically assault her because you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors - that I cannot live with.

Omg that’s absolutely horrific!!! Poor parents if the little girl staying for the sleepover, and poor lady and her children! This is heartbreaking! 💔